Sixatheconqueror
Bronze
- Joined
- May 9, 2025
- Posts
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It started as a joke.
My cat, “Sigma Whiskers,” had always been average — a 5/10 at best. Patchy fur. Lazy eye. A meow that sounded like a depressed foghorn. But one day, while browsing Looksmaxxing.org, I thought: Why not try some of these techniques… on the cat?
Phase 1: The Glow-Up Begins
First step? Fur care. I bought a bamboo brush, a grooming glove, and imported Japanese salmon oil. I started brushing him daily while playing ambient spa music and whispering affirmations like “you’re him” and “your jawline is emerging.”
Within a week, the fur was silkier than a K-Pop idol’s bangs. The neighborhood cats started watching from the windows. He walked like he knew.
Phase 2: Eye Area Enhancement
Whiskers had mild crusts near his eyes. Not very moggable. I wiped them daily with chamomile water. One day I looked into his eyes and saw what could only be described as smolder. Even I got intimidated. I had to break eye contact. I had created a problem.
Phase 3: Jawline Definition & Diet Maxxing
I switched him to high-protein, grain-free food. He went from chubby Garfield to angular predator. His neck fluff now framed a jawline that would make Henry Cavill blush. When he caught a bird mid-air, I clapped. Out of fear.
Phase 4: Cat Social Dynamics Shift
The cat who used to cry to be let out now ghosted me. I caught him sitting on the neighbor’s roof at 2AM, surrounded by three female cats. One had a collar; the others looked feral — he didn’t care. He was HIM now.
He used to knead my lap. Now he just nods when I walk in. My own mother said, “Whiskers looks... hot lately.” That’s when I knew I had gone too far.
Phase 5: Existential Crisis
I can’t compete with my cat. He gets more attention. He radiates more confidence. Last week, I tried taking a mirror selfie. He jumped in the frame, and the likes quadrupled.
He mogged me. My own pet mogged me.
Conclusion
Looksmaxxing is not a game. Handle it with care. I created a feline alpha so powerful he may start his own forum. If your cat ever starts grooming too confidently or refusing to cuddle because “it’s not high-value behavior,” you have already lost.
Let my story be a warning.
My cat, “Sigma Whiskers,” had always been average — a 5/10 at best. Patchy fur. Lazy eye. A meow that sounded like a depressed foghorn. But one day, while browsing Looksmaxxing.org, I thought: Why not try some of these techniques… on the cat?
Phase 1: The Glow-Up Begins
First step? Fur care. I bought a bamboo brush, a grooming glove, and imported Japanese salmon oil. I started brushing him daily while playing ambient spa music and whispering affirmations like “you’re him” and “your jawline is emerging.”
Within a week, the fur was silkier than a K-Pop idol’s bangs. The neighborhood cats started watching from the windows. He walked like he knew.
Phase 2: Eye Area Enhancement
Whiskers had mild crusts near his eyes. Not very moggable. I wiped them daily with chamomile water. One day I looked into his eyes and saw what could only be described as smolder. Even I got intimidated. I had to break eye contact. I had created a problem.
Phase 3: Jawline Definition & Diet Maxxing
I switched him to high-protein, grain-free food. He went from chubby Garfield to angular predator. His neck fluff now framed a jawline that would make Henry Cavill blush. When he caught a bird mid-air, I clapped. Out of fear.
Phase 4: Cat Social Dynamics Shift
The cat who used to cry to be let out now ghosted me. I caught him sitting on the neighbor’s roof at 2AM, surrounded by three female cats. One had a collar; the others looked feral — he didn’t care. He was HIM now.
He used to knead my lap. Now he just nods when I walk in. My own mother said, “Whiskers looks... hot lately.” That’s when I knew I had gone too far.
Phase 5: Existential Crisis
I can’t compete with my cat. He gets more attention. He radiates more confidence. Last week, I tried taking a mirror selfie. He jumped in the frame, and the likes quadrupled.
He mogged me. My own pet mogged me.
Conclusion
Looksmaxxing is not a game. Handle it with care. I created a feline alpha so powerful he may start his own forum. If your cat ever starts grooming too confidently or refusing to cuddle because “it’s not high-value behavior,” you have already lost.
Let my story be a warning.
