i hear voices
Master
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2023
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overI just turned 40, so I've been blackpilled for over half my life now. Never had sex with or kissed a woman. Never had a real job either. I want to talk about my life a little so younger Blackpillers know what mistakes to avoid. Please, change your life while you still can. You don't want to turn out like me. I cry every day because I'm so depressed. I hate myself. I wish I could have given a shit when I was younger.
It all started when I dropped out of high school. I was 17 then and had just one more year to go. I was being mercilessly bullied and started skipping school because of it, so I had to repeat a year. I lost all my motivation. I had a dream of being a scientist and I knew I needed a high school diploma for that, but I hated being made fun of and bullied so much I gave up on it.
That summer after dropping out I stayed in my room and got sucked into the internet. These were the early days of imageboards and BBSes and I spent alot of time talking to other Blackpillers on there. I got into Everquest and spent hundreds of hours in that game. I made a lot of friends online. For the first time it felt like I had a community.
I didn't really know what to do with my life. My mom wanted me to take a high school equivalency exam and go to college, and I continously lied to her that I would. 3 years passed, I was 20 and I still had no high school diploma or job. My mom was getting sick of me and threatened to kick me out unless I at least started looking for a job, so I started pretending to look for one. I didn't want to work in retail or a customer facing job cause I thought they were "below" me; in the back of my mind I still thought I could become a scientist if I just applied myself and took some tests to prove that I was a genius. I had all these crazy "chuunibyou" ideas about my own intellect and I believed I had a "hidden genius" of some kind, that other people could not see, but I was certain I had it within me. I believed I could do anything if I just stopped being lazy and set my mind to it. I even thought I was some kind of "chosen one" and that was why I was so different from others, never had friends, and was bullied and made fun of. Thinking back on it, I want to cry because I was so deluded.
After I couldn't get a job, because I never looked, my mom pulled some strings and got me a position as a cashier at a grocery store her friend was the manager of. I shouted at her that night and said the job was beneath me, but I still went. I was at the job for a week before I had a panic attack and broke down. After that I quit. I felt naked and afraid of other people, I could feel them glaring at me, they knew I was different, they were judging me, I could not even look them in the eye, I would get so scared if they tried to make small talk and I never knew what to say. I would go to the bathrooms to cry. I always had anxiety but 3 years of being a hikki Blackpiller had made it so much worse. I forgot how to talk to people.
Fast forward 3 more years. I got an official Asperger diagnosis. This was when I started becoming more aware of women and wanting a girlfriend. I was always attracted to girls but I never really felt lonely until this point. I thought when I became a mad scientist I would get a girlfriend easily, but by now I had accepted that was never going to happen. Because I still didn't have my high school degree. And also because as part of my diagnosis I had to take an IQ test and only got 121, which made me extremely depressed as I used to fantasize about my IQ being 160-180. I didn't know where to meet women. I didn't drink alcohol so I couldn't pick them up at bars, and I was too anxious to anyway.
I decided to find a girlfriend on the internet. Online dating wasn't as big as it is today then, so I usually met people on IRC. There was a girl on IRC that I was really good friends with and I had a feeling she liked me as more than a friend. We used to talk late into the night about games and anime. She wasn't bitchy like the girls I knew in high school and she actually shared my interests. I actually fell in love with her. I had seen her photo and she was cute, albeit in a handsome way (this detail is important). She thought I was cute too. One night I built up the courage to tell her my feelings. To my delight, she said she had feelings for me too. I was so happy. It felt like my heart was about to burst. I went and told my mom I got a girlfriend, and she was proud of me.
We ended up dating for a year. I offered many times to fly her out to my state, but she declined saying she wasn't ready yet. However, one night she said she wanted to meet me too. But she said there was something important I had to know. What is it, I asked her, you can tell me babe, I love you. She said she was transgender. She said she had a penis. I was shocked. I felt so betrayed. I broke up with her immediately and called her a sick perverted wierdo. I also used the "he" pronoun to refer to her. She said she was crying and she hated herself for not telling me. She said she was afraid she would never get a boyfriend if she was honest. I blocked her and told her to never contact me again. I was depressed and started drinking after this.
Looking back, I really regret the way I treated her. I regret it more than anything else in my life. I am so lonely these days I would gladly take her company. In fact I would worship her and treat her like a princess. I was so happy that year when I would stay up til 3 or 4 am to talk to her. I felt so warm when she told me she loved me. I would get butterflies in my stomach. It felt like I was in a romantic comedy. I have never experienced that feeling again.
Time started moving really fast after that. Subjectively, the next 5 years felt like 1 year, and I can't remember much about them. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I hired someone to take care of her because I was too busy drinking, gaming, and fapping, which is all I did. I was depressed and I used that as an excuse to never try to change. I would get up at 2 or 3 PM and stay up till 5 or 6 AM drinking, gaming, and fapping. Ironically I started getting into transgender porn. I think it's because I got so bored of normal porn it didn't arouse me anymore. My alcoholism kept getting worse.
At this point a distant uncle from my father's side of the family heard of me and paid for me to go into a special rehab program. Here I spent a year and a half getting sober. I made a few friends, but we weren't especially close. They had more interesting lives, and they all had gfs or wives. I had nothing going on. I had nothing to talk to them about except for alcoholism. By the way, I had fallen out of touch with my online friends many years ago. So these guys were my first friendly contact in years.
When I got out of rehab, I wanted to give myself another chance. To finally get a job and get my life together. I tried really hard. I used my savings to get a suit tailored. I had a professional review my resume (which had nothing on it except my basic details). Somehow, I actually got an interview. It was for a sales position at company that manufactured water coolers. When I showed up the guy interviewing my was a 25 year old who was the hiring manager for the whole firm in my state. He said he was intrigued by my unique background (instead of "work experience" my resume had a paragraph about how I got sober and was ready to reintegrate into society) and wanted to hear more. So I told him the story of my life. It became clear he wasn't taking any of it seriously and had only called me in for his own amusement. The whole time it looked like he was barely suppressing his laughter and when I concluded my tale he actually laughed for a good 30 or so seconds, in a clearly malicious, but weirdly jovial way so I couldn't be clear if he was just joking around or intentionally making me feel like shit. It was probably both. He said he would call me back if they decided I was a good fit. I never got a call back. And since then I've never tried to look for a job.
Years have passed. I'm 40. I'm living the same life, minus the alcohol. Even when I write out my life story, I don't know where I went wrong. Somehow it seems I went wrong everywhere. I don't even know if this will help anyone. I just wanted to get it out there. If it helps even one person I'll be glad. Please. Let me at least be an example of what not to do. Don't turn out like me. My life is hell. Change while you can.
