soutov
333 IQ Werewolf
- Joined
- Oct 1, 2026
- Posts
- 59
- Reputation
- 75
Quick note: I lost my old account, so this account is going to have a pretty bad join date. I figured I'd mention it since I know some people might see a grey account and immediately assume the thread is some low-effort shit. This isn't my first account here, I just lost access to the old one.
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My Personal Experience / Why I Made This
I've always found it interesting how some people can walk into a room and within 10 minutes they're already talking to everyone, while other people can look perfectly normal and still somehow make every interaction feel forced. I used to think it was mostly confidence or being naturally charismatic, but the more I looked into social psychology the more I realized there are a bunch of smaller things happening underneath that.
This isn't a "how to manipulate people into trusting you" thread and I'm not trying to turn social interaction into some pickup formula. If anything, I think a lot of the shit people call "game" is just learning how to make other people comfortable around you. If you're socially awkward, this should hopefully make conversations easier and, over time, make it less common that you're always the one who has to initiate everything. You obviously can't force random people to approach you, but people are much more likely to keep interacting with someone they already associate with positive and comfortable interactions.
It's also obviously useful with girls. You can be attractive and still be awkward to talk to. You can be funny and still be someone nobody wants to open up to. You can have confidence and still make people feel like they're being judged. If you actually want a relationship with someone rather than just getting an interaction and moving on, this shit matters a lot more than most pickup advice makes it seem.
I started looking into this because I wanted to understand what actually makes somebody trustworthy and easy to talk to instead of just repeating generic advice like "be confident bro". There is actually a decent amount of research on self-disclosure, responsiveness, listening and trust learning, so I decided to put the useful parts together here.
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1. ACTUALLY LISTEN TO PEOPLE
This is probably the most basic advice in the thread, but also one of the most important. Most people think being good socially means being interesting, but a huge part of it is making the other person feel like you're actually interested in them. If someone tells you about an exam they're nervous about, remember it. If they mention they're going somewhere on the weekend, ask them about it later. If they keep talking about some hobby they're obsessed with, you don't have to immediately bring up your own experience with it. Just let them talk about the thing they clearly care about. You don't need to ask 15 questions either, because then it starts feeling like an interview. Just respond to what they're actually giving you.
There's a concept in relationship psychology called perceived partner responsiveness, which is basically the feeling that another person understands you, cares about what you're saying and responds appropriately. Research on intimacy has repeatedly connected self-disclosure and perceived responsiveness with greater feelings of intimacy. Reis and Shaver's interpersonal model of intimacy specifically describes disclosure and responsiveness as important parts of how intimacy develops during interactions.
Remembering things is an easy practical example of this. Someone tells you something once and you bring it up again later. You're not doing some psychological trick, you're just demonstrating that you actually paid attention. That's also why being constantly distracted by your phone, thinking about what you're going to say next or trying to plan the "perfect" response makes you worse at socializing. You're focusing on yourself instead of the person you're talking to.
Active-empathic listening research also looks at listening as more than simply hearing somebody's words. It involves paying attention, understanding what the person is trying to communicate and responding to it appropriately.
Basically, if you want people to enjoy talking to you, stop treating every conversation like an opportunity to prove how interesting you are.
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2. LET PEOPLE OPEN UP WITHOUT MAKING IT WEIRD
This is where trust starts becoming more obvious. If someone tells you something personal, embarrassing or vulnerable, they're taking some kind of social risk because they don't completely know what you're going to do with that information. If you laugh at them, tell your friends, screenshot the conversation, bring it up later to embarrass them or use it against them in an argument, they're obviously going to learn that opening up to you was a mistake.
The opposite doesn't require some perfect response either. You don't have to suddenly become their therapist and give them a 20 minute speech about their childhood. Sometimes just taking them seriously and not judging them is enough. If somebody says something they're embarrassed about and you react normally, they now have a little more evidence that you're safe to talk to.
This is where self-disclosure comes in. Collins & Miller conducted a meta-analysis of the relationship between self-disclosure and liking and found evidence for several links between the two: people tend to disclose more to people they like, intimate disclosure can increase liking, and people can also come to like someone more after disclosing to them.
That doesn't mean you should walk around trying to make people tell you their deepest secrets. The useful part is understanding that closeness usually develops through reciprocal disclosure and good responses to it. If you never reveal anything about yourself, the interaction can feel one-sided, but if you immediately dump your entire life story on somebody you've known for five minutes, that's obviously not much better. Let it develop naturally.
And for the love of god, stop gossiping about everyone. If I tell you my friend's private shit and you immediately tell me all of his secrets, I now have a pretty obvious reason to assume you'll do the same thing to me. You don't have to become completely silent about other people, but repeatedly proving that you can't keep anything private is probably one of the fastest ways to make people keep you at arm's length.
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3. STOP TRYING TO WIN EVERY CONVERSATION
This is something I see all the time, especially with people who are insecure about how they're being perceived. Someone tells them something and instead of just talking about it, they immediately compare themselves.
"I've been lifting for two years."
"Same, I've been lifting for three."
"I went to Italy last year."
"Oh, I've been there twice."
"I got a really good grade."
"Yeah, I got an even higher one."
It doesn't necessarily mean the person is trying to be an asshole. Sometimes they're just trying to contribute to the conversation and don't realize how it comes across. But if literally everything someone says gets turned into a comparison, people eventually stop feeling like you're interested in them and start feeling like you're trying to establish yourself above them.
You also don't want to go completely in the opposite direction and become the guy who only asks questions. That's just an interview. If somebody tells you something personal, you can talk about your own experience too. If someone says they're nervous around new people and you also get nervous sometimes, just say that. You don't need to calculate exactly how much you're supposed to disclose.
The basic idea is reciprocity. Conversations work better when both people are contributing instead of one person performing for the other. The research on self-disclosure and intimacy fits this pretty well, but real conversations obviously aren't a mathematical exchange where one personal statement requires another personal statement in return.
The main thing I'd take from this is just stop trying so hard to impress people. If somebody tells you about something they're proud of, you don't need to prove you've done something more impressive. Sometimes just being genuinely happy for them is enough.
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4. TRUST IS BUILT THROUGH REPETITION
This is probably the biggest thing I wanted to include because people tend to think of trust as some personality trait. Like someone is either "trustworthy" or they aren't. In reality, when you meet someone, you don't actually know whether they're trustworthy. You have to collect information about them through repeated interactions.
They say they'll show up and they show up. They say they'll help you and actually help. They tell you they'll keep something private and they do. They fuck up and admit it instead of immediately making excuses. You see the same pattern enough times and eventually you don't have to think about it anymore. You just expect them to behave that way.
There's very recent evidence for this from a 2026 meta-analysis of repeated trust-game studies. The researchers looked at 404 effect sizes from more than 8,000 participants across 68 studies and found that the strongest factor in trust learning was the other person's actual trustworthiness, particularly how consistently they reciprocated over repeated interactions. Obviously a laboratory trust game isn't identical to real friendships, but the general idea of learning from somebody's repeated behavior is directly relevant.
This is why pretending to be trustworthy for one conversation doesn't really get you very far. People eventually see patterns. If you're nice when you want something and completely different afterwards, they'll notice. If you're constantly cancelling plans, leaking private information, lying or changing your behavior depending on who's around, they'll notice that too.
You don't have to convince anyone that you're a good person. Give them enough consistent behavior that they can make that judgment themselves.
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5. DON'T MAKE PEOPLE FEEL TRAPPED AROUND YOU
This is especially important with girls but applies to basically everyone. People are much more comfortable around you when they know they can say no without creating a whole situation.
If you ask someone to hang out and they can't, you don't need to interrogate them about why. If they don't want to tell you something, don't keep pushing. If they want to leave a conversation, let them leave. If a girl rejects you, accept it instead of trying to negotiate your way into a different answer.
This isn't about being passive or pretending you don't care. You can still show interest, ask someone out and make your intentions clear. The difference is whether the other person feels like they're allowed to make their own decision.
There's also a pretty simple practical test for this: ask yourself whether the person would feel comfortable disagreeing with you. If someone feels like they have to agree with you because you'll get angry, mock them or keep arguing until they give in, they're obviously not going to feel very comfortable around you.
The same thing applies to relationships. Warmth isn't the same thing as neediness. You can tell someone you like them, compliment them, check on them and be affectionate without needing them to constantly reassure you. If every delayed reply turns into "are you mad at me?", "do you still like me?" or "did I do something?", the other person eventually starts having to manage your emotions instead of just having a normal interaction with you.
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6. HOW TO ACTUALLY APPLY THIS IRL
Don't turn this into one of those autistic social skill checklists where you're sitting there thinking "okay, I asked a question, now I need to mirror her, now I need to disclose something, now I have to wait 20 minutes before replying". You're going to make yourself more awkward if you're constantly monitoring whether you're following the correct formula.
Take the general principles and actually use them in normal situations. Talk to classmates instead of always waiting for them to talk first. If somebody tells you something, remember it. If somebody starts talking about something they're interested in, let them talk about it. If someone tells you something personal, don't make it a joke for the group chat. If you say you'll do something, do it. If somebody says no, don't make them fight you over it.
And don't expect instant results. If you've been socially awkward for years, you're not going to suddenly become extremely social because you read a thread. You're going to have awkward conversations. Sometimes people won't like you. Sometimes you'll say something stupid. Sometimes you'll think a conversation went great and the other person won't care nearly as much as you thought. That's normal.
The point is to get enough real interactions that these things stop feeling like techniques. You should eventually just listen because you're listening, remember things because you care enough to remember them and respect boundaries without having to consciously remind yourself to do it.
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WHY THIS ALSO HELPS WITH PULLING GIRLS
This isn't a pickup guide and I'm not going to pretend that being trustworthy somehow overrides attraction. Looks, confidence, personality, social environment and individual preferences all matter.
But once you're actually interacting with a girl, trust and comfort obviously matter. She can find you attractive and still not feel comfortable around you. She can think you're funny but not want to tell you anything personal. She can enjoy talking to you but still not have enough information to know whether you're someone she wants to get closer to.
That's why I think this stuff is useful for dating. Not because you're using psychology to manipulate somebody into liking you, but because you're making yourself easier to interact with once there is already some mutual interest. The research on self-disclosure, responsiveness and intimacy is especially relevant here.
If you're talking to a girl you genuinely like, you don't need to play some character. Don't constantly seek reassurance, don't pressure her, don't expose things she told you, don't make every conversation about proving yourself and don't try to force intimacy after two conversations. Actually get to know her.
And if she isn't interested, that's also information. You don't need to convince her.
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SCIENCE / SOURCES
Self-disclosure and liking: Collins & Miller, Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review (1994). Meta-analysis of research examining the relationship between self-disclosure and liking.
Intimacy / responsiveness: Reis & Shaver's interpersonal process model, tested in diary studies examining self-disclosure, partner disclosure, perceived partner responsiveness and intimacy.
Active-empathic listening: Gearhart & Bodie, Active-Empathic Listening as a General Social Skill (2011).
Trust learning: Duncan et al., Trust learning in the repeated trust game: A meta-analytic study (British Journal of Psychology, 2026). 404 effect sizes, 68 studies and more than 8,000 participants; partner reciprocation was the strongest factor in trust learning.
I'm putting the actual research here because I don't want this to be another thread where someone says "science proves this" and then gives you a random Instagram infographic. Some of the evidence is directly about relationships and social interaction, while the repeated trust-game research is experimental and more indirect when applied to normal life.
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Final note
I made this because I think social improvement gets way too focused on trying to control people's reactions. "What do I say?" "How do I look confident?" "How do I make her like me?" etc.
You obviously can't control whether someone likes you. What you can control is whether you're consistently giving people good or bad reasons to feel comfortable around you.
If you're socially awkward, I'd honestly focus less on trying to become charismatic and more on getting better at the basic stuff. Talk to people, listen properly, stop overthinking every response, remember things, don't be an asshole with people's private information and learn to handle rejection without making it a whole event.
You'll still have awkward conversations. That's part of it.
But at least you'll actually be getting social experience instead of sitting there trying to find the perfect social technique before you talk to anyone. Hope this is useful to someone here.
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My Personal Experience / Why I Made This
I've always found it interesting how some people can walk into a room and within 10 minutes they're already talking to everyone, while other people can look perfectly normal and still somehow make every interaction feel forced. I used to think it was mostly confidence or being naturally charismatic, but the more I looked into social psychology the more I realized there are a bunch of smaller things happening underneath that.
This isn't a "how to manipulate people into trusting you" thread and I'm not trying to turn social interaction into some pickup formula. If anything, I think a lot of the shit people call "game" is just learning how to make other people comfortable around you. If you're socially awkward, this should hopefully make conversations easier and, over time, make it less common that you're always the one who has to initiate everything. You obviously can't force random people to approach you, but people are much more likely to keep interacting with someone they already associate with positive and comfortable interactions.
It's also obviously useful with girls. You can be attractive and still be awkward to talk to. You can be funny and still be someone nobody wants to open up to. You can have confidence and still make people feel like they're being judged. If you actually want a relationship with someone rather than just getting an interaction and moving on, this shit matters a lot more than most pickup advice makes it seem.
I started looking into this because I wanted to understand what actually makes somebody trustworthy and easy to talk to instead of just repeating generic advice like "be confident bro". There is actually a decent amount of research on self-disclosure, responsiveness, listening and trust learning, so I decided to put the useful parts together here.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
1. ACTUALLY LISTEN TO PEOPLE
This is probably the most basic advice in the thread, but also one of the most important. Most people think being good socially means being interesting, but a huge part of it is making the other person feel like you're actually interested in them. If someone tells you about an exam they're nervous about, remember it. If they mention they're going somewhere on the weekend, ask them about it later. If they keep talking about some hobby they're obsessed with, you don't have to immediately bring up your own experience with it. Just let them talk about the thing they clearly care about. You don't need to ask 15 questions either, because then it starts feeling like an interview. Just respond to what they're actually giving you.
There's a concept in relationship psychology called perceived partner responsiveness, which is basically the feeling that another person understands you, cares about what you're saying and responds appropriately. Research on intimacy has repeatedly connected self-disclosure and perceived responsiveness with greater feelings of intimacy. Reis and Shaver's interpersonal model of intimacy specifically describes disclosure and responsiveness as important parts of how intimacy develops during interactions.
Remembering things is an easy practical example of this. Someone tells you something once and you bring it up again later. You're not doing some psychological trick, you're just demonstrating that you actually paid attention. That's also why being constantly distracted by your phone, thinking about what you're going to say next or trying to plan the "perfect" response makes you worse at socializing. You're focusing on yourself instead of the person you're talking to.
Active-empathic listening research also looks at listening as more than simply hearing somebody's words. It involves paying attention, understanding what the person is trying to communicate and responding to it appropriately.
Basically, if you want people to enjoy talking to you, stop treating every conversation like an opportunity to prove how interesting you are.
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2. LET PEOPLE OPEN UP WITHOUT MAKING IT WEIRD
This is where trust starts becoming more obvious. If someone tells you something personal, embarrassing or vulnerable, they're taking some kind of social risk because they don't completely know what you're going to do with that information. If you laugh at them, tell your friends, screenshot the conversation, bring it up later to embarrass them or use it against them in an argument, they're obviously going to learn that opening up to you was a mistake.
The opposite doesn't require some perfect response either. You don't have to suddenly become their therapist and give them a 20 minute speech about their childhood. Sometimes just taking them seriously and not judging them is enough. If somebody says something they're embarrassed about and you react normally, they now have a little more evidence that you're safe to talk to.
This is where self-disclosure comes in. Collins & Miller conducted a meta-analysis of the relationship between self-disclosure and liking and found evidence for several links between the two: people tend to disclose more to people they like, intimate disclosure can increase liking, and people can also come to like someone more after disclosing to them.
That doesn't mean you should walk around trying to make people tell you their deepest secrets. The useful part is understanding that closeness usually develops through reciprocal disclosure and good responses to it. If you never reveal anything about yourself, the interaction can feel one-sided, but if you immediately dump your entire life story on somebody you've known for five minutes, that's obviously not much better. Let it develop naturally.
And for the love of god, stop gossiping about everyone. If I tell you my friend's private shit and you immediately tell me all of his secrets, I now have a pretty obvious reason to assume you'll do the same thing to me. You don't have to become completely silent about other people, but repeatedly proving that you can't keep anything private is probably one of the fastest ways to make people keep you at arm's length.
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3. STOP TRYING TO WIN EVERY CONVERSATION
This is something I see all the time, especially with people who are insecure about how they're being perceived. Someone tells them something and instead of just talking about it, they immediately compare themselves.
"I've been lifting for two years."
"Same, I've been lifting for three."
"I went to Italy last year."
"Oh, I've been there twice."
"I got a really good grade."
"Yeah, I got an even higher one."
It doesn't necessarily mean the person is trying to be an asshole. Sometimes they're just trying to contribute to the conversation and don't realize how it comes across. But if literally everything someone says gets turned into a comparison, people eventually stop feeling like you're interested in them and start feeling like you're trying to establish yourself above them.
You also don't want to go completely in the opposite direction and become the guy who only asks questions. That's just an interview. If somebody tells you something personal, you can talk about your own experience too. If someone says they're nervous around new people and you also get nervous sometimes, just say that. You don't need to calculate exactly how much you're supposed to disclose.
The basic idea is reciprocity. Conversations work better when both people are contributing instead of one person performing for the other. The research on self-disclosure and intimacy fits this pretty well, but real conversations obviously aren't a mathematical exchange where one personal statement requires another personal statement in return.
The main thing I'd take from this is just stop trying so hard to impress people. If somebody tells you about something they're proud of, you don't need to prove you've done something more impressive. Sometimes just being genuinely happy for them is enough.
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4. TRUST IS BUILT THROUGH REPETITION
This is probably the biggest thing I wanted to include because people tend to think of trust as some personality trait. Like someone is either "trustworthy" or they aren't. In reality, when you meet someone, you don't actually know whether they're trustworthy. You have to collect information about them through repeated interactions.
They say they'll show up and they show up. They say they'll help you and actually help. They tell you they'll keep something private and they do. They fuck up and admit it instead of immediately making excuses. You see the same pattern enough times and eventually you don't have to think about it anymore. You just expect them to behave that way.
There's very recent evidence for this from a 2026 meta-analysis of repeated trust-game studies. The researchers looked at 404 effect sizes from more than 8,000 participants across 68 studies and found that the strongest factor in trust learning was the other person's actual trustworthiness, particularly how consistently they reciprocated over repeated interactions. Obviously a laboratory trust game isn't identical to real friendships, but the general idea of learning from somebody's repeated behavior is directly relevant.
This is why pretending to be trustworthy for one conversation doesn't really get you very far. People eventually see patterns. If you're nice when you want something and completely different afterwards, they'll notice. If you're constantly cancelling plans, leaking private information, lying or changing your behavior depending on who's around, they'll notice that too.
You don't have to convince anyone that you're a good person. Give them enough consistent behavior that they can make that judgment themselves.
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5. DON'T MAKE PEOPLE FEEL TRAPPED AROUND YOU
This is especially important with girls but applies to basically everyone. People are much more comfortable around you when they know they can say no without creating a whole situation.
If you ask someone to hang out and they can't, you don't need to interrogate them about why. If they don't want to tell you something, don't keep pushing. If they want to leave a conversation, let them leave. If a girl rejects you, accept it instead of trying to negotiate your way into a different answer.
This isn't about being passive or pretending you don't care. You can still show interest, ask someone out and make your intentions clear. The difference is whether the other person feels like they're allowed to make their own decision.
There's also a pretty simple practical test for this: ask yourself whether the person would feel comfortable disagreeing with you. If someone feels like they have to agree with you because you'll get angry, mock them or keep arguing until they give in, they're obviously not going to feel very comfortable around you.
The same thing applies to relationships. Warmth isn't the same thing as neediness. You can tell someone you like them, compliment them, check on them and be affectionate without needing them to constantly reassure you. If every delayed reply turns into "are you mad at me?", "do you still like me?" or "did I do something?", the other person eventually starts having to manage your emotions instead of just having a normal interaction with you.
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6. HOW TO ACTUALLY APPLY THIS IRL
Don't turn this into one of those autistic social skill checklists where you're sitting there thinking "okay, I asked a question, now I need to mirror her, now I need to disclose something, now I have to wait 20 minutes before replying". You're going to make yourself more awkward if you're constantly monitoring whether you're following the correct formula.
Take the general principles and actually use them in normal situations. Talk to classmates instead of always waiting for them to talk first. If somebody tells you something, remember it. If somebody starts talking about something they're interested in, let them talk about it. If someone tells you something personal, don't make it a joke for the group chat. If you say you'll do something, do it. If somebody says no, don't make them fight you over it.
And don't expect instant results. If you've been socially awkward for years, you're not going to suddenly become extremely social because you read a thread. You're going to have awkward conversations. Sometimes people won't like you. Sometimes you'll say something stupid. Sometimes you'll think a conversation went great and the other person won't care nearly as much as you thought. That's normal.
The point is to get enough real interactions that these things stop feeling like techniques. You should eventually just listen because you're listening, remember things because you care enough to remember them and respect boundaries without having to consciously remind yourself to do it.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
WHY THIS ALSO HELPS WITH PULLING GIRLS
This isn't a pickup guide and I'm not going to pretend that being trustworthy somehow overrides attraction. Looks, confidence, personality, social environment and individual preferences all matter.
But once you're actually interacting with a girl, trust and comfort obviously matter. She can find you attractive and still not feel comfortable around you. She can think you're funny but not want to tell you anything personal. She can enjoy talking to you but still not have enough information to know whether you're someone she wants to get closer to.
That's why I think this stuff is useful for dating. Not because you're using psychology to manipulate somebody into liking you, but because you're making yourself easier to interact with once there is already some mutual interest. The research on self-disclosure, responsiveness and intimacy is especially relevant here.
If you're talking to a girl you genuinely like, you don't need to play some character. Don't constantly seek reassurance, don't pressure her, don't expose things she told you, don't make every conversation about proving yourself and don't try to force intimacy after two conversations. Actually get to know her.
And if she isn't interested, that's also information. You don't need to convince her.
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SCIENCE / SOURCES
Self-disclosure and liking: Collins & Miller, Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review (1994). Meta-analysis of research examining the relationship between self-disclosure and liking.
Intimacy / responsiveness: Reis & Shaver's interpersonal process model, tested in diary studies examining self-disclosure, partner disclosure, perceived partner responsiveness and intimacy.
Active-empathic listening: Gearhart & Bodie, Active-Empathic Listening as a General Social Skill (2011).
Trust learning: Duncan et al., Trust learning in the repeated trust game: A meta-analytic study (British Journal of Psychology, 2026). 404 effect sizes, 68 studies and more than 8,000 participants; partner reciprocation was the strongest factor in trust learning.
I'm putting the actual research here because I don't want this to be another thread where someone says "science proves this" and then gives you a random Instagram infographic. Some of the evidence is directly about relationships and social interaction, while the repeated trust-game research is experimental and more indirect when applied to normal life.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Final note
I made this because I think social improvement gets way too focused on trying to control people's reactions. "What do I say?" "How do I look confident?" "How do I make her like me?" etc.
You obviously can't control whether someone likes you. What you can control is whether you're consistently giving people good or bad reasons to feel comfortable around you.
If you're socially awkward, I'd honestly focus less on trying to become charismatic and more on getting better at the basic stuff. Talk to people, listen properly, stop overthinking every response, remember things, don't be an asshole with people's private information and learn to handle rejection without making it a whole event.
You'll still have awkward conversations. That's part of it.
But at least you'll actually be getting social experience instead of sitting there trying to find the perfect social technique before you talk to anyone. Hope this is useful to someone here.
