Hozay
True Chadlite
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2020
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In September 2018, my husband of 7 years passed away from an aneurism very unexpectedly and it legitimately destroyed me. We started dating when we were freshmen in high school (14) and married when we were seniors in college (21). After selling our house and moving cross country in January this year, I started feeling like a human being instead of buried for the first time.
My husband and his brother were very, very close their entire lives. His older brother practically raised him because their parents struggled and each worked 2 jobs their entire childhood. Since we started dating at 14, I’ve also known his brother at this point more than my life and we have always been very close. We were in group chats together, tagged each other in funny memes on Facebook and twitter and would check in with each other through text, give family and life updates, share our vacation photos, and plan holidays and even surprise birthday parties for my husband. We’ve always been very close, very friendly like he was my own big brother too. I always felt like we grew up together too. It has always been very platonic and I was very friendly with his girlfriends and ex fiancée when I met them at holidays.
After my husband died I dropped off the earth for all of 2019 being depressed, having social anxiety and never being able to leave the house because people would feel so much pity for me and treat me oddly. He would visit and check in with take out and beers at least monthly and we always connected deeply over childhood memories of my husband. (Again, it was very platonic and I’ve never had feelings for him.)
In February 2020, my house with my husband went to a short-sale and I found a great job in the southwest and I couldn’t bear to be in New England anymore and I moved really suddenly. My parents are still reeling about it and asking me to move back, but this is the first time I’ve been independent and functional.
He came and visited over the holiday weekend to check in, and it was very pleasant. We went hiking and to Flagstaff because he’s never been to this part of the country. We had rented an AirBnB (with separate bedrooms and both our dogs) and yesterday night we made margaritas and sat by the pool and caught up, and he genuinely seemed concerned about how I was doing and asked a lot of questions. It was really cathartic and emotional but he kissed me, and I was really overwhelmed and we went upstairs and ended up sleeping together twice last night.
I feel sick and guilty over it now, like I cheated but last night was very intense. I haven’t connected with anyone like that sexually or emotionally since my husband, he was very gentle and attentive and it was some of the most intense sex I’ve had in my life. I didn’t feel unsafe or pressured or taken advantage of, and the morning was pleasant and he made coffee.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all afternoon, but I’m starting to have a panic attack. Did I ruin a good friendship? Did I ruin the relationship I had with his family? I keep thinking about what my husband would think and I feel so alone because I’m worried to talk to anyone in my personal life about this. We’ve always gotten along really well and we’re good friends, but he’s never once made a move or given off any vibe that he ever wanted more than friendship until yesterday night. He’s been giving me space all afternoon and has been spending it out with the dogs, but I can’t figure out if we need to talk or if I just ignore it?
I’m sorry for this novel. I can’t go to any friends because all my friends were my husbands friends too, and most of them knew his brother because they always hung out together.
TLDR: Husband passed away in September 2018. I knew his brother growing up, and his brother would check in on me often since he passed. We slept together over the long weekend and I think I ruined my relationship with my husbands family.
My husband and his brother were very, very close their entire lives. His older brother practically raised him because their parents struggled and each worked 2 jobs their entire childhood. Since we started dating at 14, I’ve also known his brother at this point more than my life and we have always been very close. We were in group chats together, tagged each other in funny memes on Facebook and twitter and would check in with each other through text, give family and life updates, share our vacation photos, and plan holidays and even surprise birthday parties for my husband. We’ve always been very close, very friendly like he was my own big brother too. I always felt like we grew up together too. It has always been very platonic and I was very friendly with his girlfriends and ex fiancée when I met them at holidays.
After my husband died I dropped off the earth for all of 2019 being depressed, having social anxiety and never being able to leave the house because people would feel so much pity for me and treat me oddly. He would visit and check in with take out and beers at least monthly and we always connected deeply over childhood memories of my husband. (Again, it was very platonic and I’ve never had feelings for him.)
In February 2020, my house with my husband went to a short-sale and I found a great job in the southwest and I couldn’t bear to be in New England anymore and I moved really suddenly. My parents are still reeling about it and asking me to move back, but this is the first time I’ve been independent and functional.
He came and visited over the holiday weekend to check in, and it was very pleasant. We went hiking and to Flagstaff because he’s never been to this part of the country. We had rented an AirBnB (with separate bedrooms and both our dogs) and yesterday night we made margaritas and sat by the pool and caught up, and he genuinely seemed concerned about how I was doing and asked a lot of questions. It was really cathartic and emotional but he kissed me, and I was really overwhelmed and we went upstairs and ended up sleeping together twice last night.
I feel sick and guilty over it now, like I cheated but last night was very intense. I haven’t connected with anyone like that sexually or emotionally since my husband, he was very gentle and attentive and it was some of the most intense sex I’ve had in my life. I didn’t feel unsafe or pressured or taken advantage of, and the morning was pleasant and he made coffee.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all afternoon, but I’m starting to have a panic attack. Did I ruin a good friendship? Did I ruin the relationship I had with his family? I keep thinking about what my husband would think and I feel so alone because I’m worried to talk to anyone in my personal life about this. We’ve always gotten along really well and we’re good friends, but he’s never once made a move or given off any vibe that he ever wanted more than friendship until yesterday night. He’s been giving me space all afternoon and has been spending it out with the dogs, but I can’t figure out if we need to talk or if I just ignore it?
I’m sorry for this novel. I can’t go to any friends because all my friends were my husbands friends too, and most of them knew his brother because they always hung out together.
TLDR: Husband passed away in September 2018. I knew his brother growing up, and his brother would check in on me often since he passed. We slept together over the long weekend and I think I ruined my relationship with my husbands family.
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