I am no one, therefore i am everyone

[moongazer]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, aswell as had many people like @TechnoBoss point it out to me.

I don't really have a particular personality. It always mirrors or adjusts based on who i am talking to. I mirror people and i adapt to their behavior. I act in whatever way feels safest at the moment.

I am quieter around people that are confident
I am understanding and patient around people that are sad
I laugh around people that are funny and outgoing
I act small and lenient around people that act dominant.

And it's not because I'm fake or because I'm selfish, it's only because i want to be liked. The uncomfortable truth in this is, that the more you try to be loved, the more personality you lose, and the more of 'yourself' you actually erase.

I am loved by many, but I'm not close to anyone except a select few.

I don't have or share strong opinions unless i know they'll be accepted by everyone.

I never fully disagree with anyone, unless i know what I'm saying is 100% the truth. I avoid conflict like it's the plague, i want no part of it.

I don't want anyone to think 'this larry guy is stupid', because it breaks me and my illusion of self worth.

So after all of this, i end up being no one.

But what i noticed with being 'no one', is that paradoxically, by being no one, you're also everyone.

I can fit anywhere, i can belong in most groups, speak any language, share any hobby. I can be relatable to everyone, but at the same time ignored by everyone.

And when I'm not watched by anyone, when there's no one to mimic or cling to - i am simply a sad excuse of a person. Rotting away, living day by day, with no one to appeal to and no one to compliment my behavior.

It's strange realizing, that being liked by everyone can feel lonelier than being disliked by a few.

Maybe i need to act upon that realization

At some point in life, i need to choose between being liked or being real.

@Daddy's Home @Orka @Jason Voorhees @Insomnia

Adaptation

 

[Randomized Shame]

We have a tendency to do things because they simply work, and then we become scared of new stuff because we don't know if it will. We all do some form of mirroring, and the lack of a mirroring is usually what makes you ND or what gets you outcasted. However, we still have a "core" part of ourselves, and a lack of that is bad.

I was like this for a while, but I had to accept that I misunderstood the benefits it brought me, and the only way you can change it is if you accept it for it's reality. Mirroring people because you want to be liked is selfish, because these people don't know that you're simply mirroring them. They assume you're one of them, which is why they've called you out for it. You're not loved by many, you're loved by few, because they love a version of you that only exists around them. You cannot love a mirror because the mirror's whole purpose is to just reflect whatever is standing in front of it, and so they love what they see in the mirror but not the mirror itself.

It's not a "bad" thing overall, and it doesn't make you a bad person. A majority of people are like this, especially if you're young. But you would have to accept that it's not a positive trait. Everything that's "positive" about you is what you've seen in others, not because you stand by them. You should want to be proud of your own behavior because it's what aligns with you, not because it's what people around you would like.

You could be perfect and people will always find a reason to dislike you, it doesn't matter. So there's no point on having true "you" solely be someone who seeks that validation.

The way I "fixed" this was just accepting the reality and then writing down who I wanted to be. It felt unnatural at first but it's simply what worked. I wrote down traits I admired (or what I thought others admired) or whatever, and worked towards them. I learned my morals and I stuck with them, but still be open minded. Over time the person I "wanted" to be no longer mattered, I eventually I just became me. I didn't become the person I wanted to be, but I became myself, and that's fine. I'm happy.

Now-a-days, if someone says I did X or Y I could tell you immediately if I did or didn't do it. Not because I have good memory, but because I know who I am and I know how I act. That confidence in yourself is worth it, and a lack of it made me anxious. If you do it for any reason, it should be because you want to trust yourself.