Orc
diagnosed autist
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
- Posts
- 19,657
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I (23f) have struggled with hating men my whole life and at this point I’m not sure if it’s because of trauma or autism. What scares me is my hatred already runs so deep and I’m only 23. I fear my hate will just keep growing.
I have a history of being sexually abused as a young child. All throughout middle school and high school I had no interest in men. I could see how my friends were treated and the patterns that men seem to have and I decided I had no interest. I even identified as asexual/aromantic for years. There was a noticeable difference in the way my friends interacted with men vs. how I did. These were the years I had a special interest in learning all about feminism, women’s rights, women’s history, and how women are treated in this world. I did not cuddle or kiss a man until I was 22. Since finally having my first kiss & having sex - I realized I do really like being sexual… but I wouldn’t say I catch feeling for men. It’s funny cause I feel like I see men how men see women. Like at this point they are so bad and inhumane in my mind that I hardly see them as human. I have sex with them, I know the right things to say… I play the role. And then I leave whenever I want to. I just finished the book “Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger” by Soraya Chemaly. It… sent me into even more rage. It pretty much validates everything I think and know about being a woman. I realize that men have very real struggles too and when I do more research about their issues it does make me sad. I also realize that American men were raised to be this way. It’s all conditioning and programming. But I guess at the end of the day it feels like their struggles will never compare to a woman’s. I could literally talk about this concept for ages but I won’t get into it. Is this a horrible thing to say? Yes. But I can’t stop. I feel like maybe my sense of justice will not allow me to be in a relationship with a man. I would consider myself pretty attractive and I do get a lot of attention. But it almost feels like they will “win” if they get me and I hate that. At the same time, I just simply love being alone. I dont think I’ve ever felt lonely in my life. A man would have to make me happier than I am alone for me to ever be with them. I wanted to also mention that the things that seem to make me most upset is seeing my friends and coworkers suffer because of men. Whether that is in the workplace or them just having boyfriend drama - it literally breaks my heart to see them be mistreated and abused. I have deeply worked on de-centering men. It has helped a lot and it was easy during high school but as I get older people start asking more questions about if I’ve been in a relationship yet and stuff. I guess I say all of this to ask if any other women feel the same way? And if so, what are you doing about it? Are you excepting it or trying to change your perspective? I know I’m a little extreme when it comes to all of this and realistically there are good men out there. Part of me wonders if even if I found a “good” man, would I even be interested?
*** I would also like to mention that I know this is a ME problem. It probably has to do with my perspective and projecting my own problems onto men. But it seems like no matter how much I try, I am reminded multiple times a day of why I have these beliefs. It’s like being validated daily, but I’m gaslighting myself into thinking that I love and adore men. I simply cannot be that delusional.
