whff
Iron
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2026
- Posts
- 20
- Reputation
- 16
I am not looking for hate, I won't reply on it and it won't take me down any further, I won't listen to bad advice and will not reply to hate or people that are trying to bring me down, or feel worse. This is just for advice or help. Maybe find someone that feels relatable.
I am 19 years old and turning 20 in a month. For a long time now, I have felt sad/unhappy almost every day. My sleep schedule is completely fucked, and for the past month I have not gone to bed before 4 a.m. I do not have a job (have applied somewhere and still awaiting response) and spend most of my days going to the gym, watching YouTube, or playing games. I genuinely want to work, but I have no interest in ANYTHING. I stopped going to college after struggling mentally for about 1.5 years, it all started after losing my friendgroup. Altough I tried solving my mental & school problems, I reached a point where I simply could not continue. I am now taking a gap year to understand myself better and improve both physically and mentally.
My relationship with my mother was difficult for many years. We argued (almost) everyday, and I often felt that she talked at me, and not with me. Although I know she genuinely wanted to help me and believed she was doing what was best, her approach never worked for me, even after I explained what she was doing wasn't good. I never opened up about my problems, she knew why I was struggling, but not why. (Same for my father, more later on) When I left school, she kicked me out, and lucky for me, my father took me in. Living with him has been much easier. He listens, tries to understand me, and always approaches problems with patience instead of anger. (And the food here is better
)
I have an online friend group from the same country, and we meet up IRL too, although I have to drive 3-4 hours each time. Lately, the group has become much less active because everyone is getting older, working, or focusing on their own lives. Most conversations only happen late at night, if they happen at all, which has made me feel increasingly isolated. Besides them, I lost all of my real-life friends about one and a half years ago. That's where my mental health has began to get worse. I barely speak to anyone in person. I know only two people in my new area, and I rarely see one of them. I really enjoys social contact, and I've always been like that, I can't be alone, this has been extremely difficult. I knew a lot of people in my old gym, and talked to a lot of people there too, even though they weren't really friends, it was still a good social contact, and a good way of keeping my social skills. I still felt lonely back then, those conversations meant a lot to me. I tried reaching out to people outside the gym, but they were always busy, or already had plans, never bothered to ask me something, so eventually I gave up trying.
Studying social work taught me how to understand and help other people, and I became much better at listening and communicating. I still struggle to apply those same skills to myself. I find it difficult to ask for help, understand my own emotions, or open up to others. And I know those are REALLY important things to do.
Family relationships have also been challenging. I feel like I dislike being around most of my family, even though they have not treated me badly. I feel uncomfortable around my any of my family and rarely enjoy talking to my brother. During childhood, my brother and I fought almost every day, and he often hit me because of his anger issues. He has changed completely and is now a kind person. However, I believe those experiences affected me deeply. My mother worked long hours and almost every day, and because our fights were so frequent, she often told us to figure it out ourselves. I do not blame her, but I think those experiences made it difficult for me to trust others or ask for help.
I had one relationship that lasted almost two years, which reminds me that I am capable of forming meaningful connections. I also still speak to a childhood friend, although we only play rocket league together now. Nothing IRL. At the moment, the only thing I genuinely enjoy is going to the gym. I have trained consistently for 35 weeks, and my physique has improved a lot. My online friends often compliment my progress, I like to post on tiktok too, and have gotten a few dms from people I used to talk to. I struggle with body dysmorphia, I rarely feel that my body is good enough, or ever will be.
Gaming, which used to be an escape, has also become frustrating. I play like shit in almost every game, whether it is Rocket League, Valorant, or PvP in minecraft. I know it sounds irrational, but losing makes me kinda angry, not just that, every time I get mad at the game, I rethink all my life choices, and it takes me back to thinking how big of an loser I really am. And as I have felt worse mentally, my reactions have become stronger. I often question why I become so upset over something so unimportant instead of simply getting a job and moving on with life, like this is life, right? I'm almost 20 and I feel like this? So stupid...
I have thought of ending it, even though I would never end it, I thought of it, which for me is bad enough. I KNOW life can and will get better, even if it takes a long time. I still hope that one day I will find people who genuinely want me around and who will reach out to me instead of always being the one making the effort.
Opening up has always been one of my biggest struggles. There are experiences and feelings that nobody knows about except me. I have shared small parts of my struggles with friends, my ex-partner, and my mentor at college, but never everything. My mentor made me feel heard and wanted (somewhere), and although they really wanted to help me, they realized my mental problems were too big for them, we both agreed that stopping was the best decision at the time because I was no longer able to focus. I'm taking a gap year as I said before, after that I will try focussing on school again, social work again, I do like it but it was impossible for me to finish it now.
I have visited my general practitioner, but even there I struggled to be honest about how I truly felt. I was 'sent' to a psychologist and was told the waiting time would be around 20 days, but it has now been over a month. I understand that waiting lists are long. My mother has also tried arranging additional support through an institution, and they contacted me, but I still have not replied after two weeks. I cannot explain why. I simply have not been able to do it.
One thing I have noticed is that expressing my emotions feels much easier in English than in my own language. Speaking about my feelings in my own language feels uncomfortable and embarrassing, while English allows me to explain myself more naturally.
I cry almost every day. Sometimes I wonder whether caring less would have allowed me to keep my old friends. I often blame myself for losing the people who were once close to me, even though I still struggle to fully understand why everything happened the way it did.
I don't know how to talk to girls anywhere, online or IRL. I have DMed a few girls, and got answers too ofcourse, but kinda stopped dming after someone I knew posted one of the dms on his story (He was with her, saw it, took her phone, screenshotted, sent it to himself). Since then I find it cringe to dm anyone, especially someone in the same region). I don't know how to talk IRL, I don't know what to say. I'm not socially awkward, I can talk easily to friends or people I don't know, I just seem to stress whenever it's a girl, or when I find her attractive. Have always struggled with this. I know I am not an subhuman, I'm not fat. (75kg) lean, and got muscles I'd say. 184cm, avg in my country. I've kissed girls (around 8, not sure) so that ofcourse reminds that I am not ugly asfuck.
I am 19 years old and turning 20 in a month. For a long time now, I have felt sad/unhappy almost every day. My sleep schedule is completely fucked, and for the past month I have not gone to bed before 4 a.m. I do not have a job (have applied somewhere and still awaiting response) and spend most of my days going to the gym, watching YouTube, or playing games. I genuinely want to work, but I have no interest in ANYTHING. I stopped going to college after struggling mentally for about 1.5 years, it all started after losing my friendgroup. Altough I tried solving my mental & school problems, I reached a point where I simply could not continue. I am now taking a gap year to understand myself better and improve both physically and mentally.
My relationship with my mother was difficult for many years. We argued (almost) everyday, and I often felt that she talked at me, and not with me. Although I know she genuinely wanted to help me and believed she was doing what was best, her approach never worked for me, even after I explained what she was doing wasn't good. I never opened up about my problems, she knew why I was struggling, but not why. (Same for my father, more later on) When I left school, she kicked me out, and lucky for me, my father took me in. Living with him has been much easier. He listens, tries to understand me, and always approaches problems with patience instead of anger. (And the food here is better
)I have an online friend group from the same country, and we meet up IRL too, although I have to drive 3-4 hours each time. Lately, the group has become much less active because everyone is getting older, working, or focusing on their own lives. Most conversations only happen late at night, if they happen at all, which has made me feel increasingly isolated. Besides them, I lost all of my real-life friends about one and a half years ago. That's where my mental health has began to get worse. I barely speak to anyone in person. I know only two people in my new area, and I rarely see one of them. I really enjoys social contact, and I've always been like that, I can't be alone, this has been extremely difficult. I knew a lot of people in my old gym, and talked to a lot of people there too, even though they weren't really friends, it was still a good social contact, and a good way of keeping my social skills. I still felt lonely back then, those conversations meant a lot to me. I tried reaching out to people outside the gym, but they were always busy, or already had plans, never bothered to ask me something, so eventually I gave up trying.
Studying social work taught me how to understand and help other people, and I became much better at listening and communicating. I still struggle to apply those same skills to myself. I find it difficult to ask for help, understand my own emotions, or open up to others. And I know those are REALLY important things to do.
Family relationships have also been challenging. I feel like I dislike being around most of my family, even though they have not treated me badly. I feel uncomfortable around my any of my family and rarely enjoy talking to my brother. During childhood, my brother and I fought almost every day, and he often hit me because of his anger issues. He has changed completely and is now a kind person. However, I believe those experiences affected me deeply. My mother worked long hours and almost every day, and because our fights were so frequent, she often told us to figure it out ourselves. I do not blame her, but I think those experiences made it difficult for me to trust others or ask for help.
I had one relationship that lasted almost two years, which reminds me that I am capable of forming meaningful connections. I also still speak to a childhood friend, although we only play rocket league together now. Nothing IRL. At the moment, the only thing I genuinely enjoy is going to the gym. I have trained consistently for 35 weeks, and my physique has improved a lot. My online friends often compliment my progress, I like to post on tiktok too, and have gotten a few dms from people I used to talk to. I struggle with body dysmorphia, I rarely feel that my body is good enough, or ever will be.
Gaming, which used to be an escape, has also become frustrating. I play like shit in almost every game, whether it is Rocket League, Valorant, or PvP in minecraft. I know it sounds irrational, but losing makes me kinda angry, not just that, every time I get mad at the game, I rethink all my life choices, and it takes me back to thinking how big of an loser I really am. And as I have felt worse mentally, my reactions have become stronger. I often question why I become so upset over something so unimportant instead of simply getting a job and moving on with life, like this is life, right? I'm almost 20 and I feel like this? So stupid...
I have thought of ending it, even though I would never end it, I thought of it, which for me is bad enough. I KNOW life can and will get better, even if it takes a long time. I still hope that one day I will find people who genuinely want me around and who will reach out to me instead of always being the one making the effort.
Opening up has always been one of my biggest struggles. There are experiences and feelings that nobody knows about except me. I have shared small parts of my struggles with friends, my ex-partner, and my mentor at college, but never everything. My mentor made me feel heard and wanted (somewhere), and although they really wanted to help me, they realized my mental problems were too big for them, we both agreed that stopping was the best decision at the time because I was no longer able to focus. I'm taking a gap year as I said before, after that I will try focussing on school again, social work again, I do like it but it was impossible for me to finish it now.
I have visited my general practitioner, but even there I struggled to be honest about how I truly felt. I was 'sent' to a psychologist and was told the waiting time would be around 20 days, but it has now been over a month. I understand that waiting lists are long. My mother has also tried arranging additional support through an institution, and they contacted me, but I still have not replied after two weeks. I cannot explain why. I simply have not been able to do it.
One thing I have noticed is that expressing my emotions feels much easier in English than in my own language. Speaking about my feelings in my own language feels uncomfortable and embarrassing, while English allows me to explain myself more naturally.
I cry almost every day. Sometimes I wonder whether caring less would have allowed me to keep my old friends. I often blame myself for losing the people who were once close to me, even though I still struggle to fully understand why everything happened the way it did.
I don't know how to talk to girls anywhere, online or IRL. I have DMed a few girls, and got answers too ofcourse, but kinda stopped dming after someone I knew posted one of the dms on his story (He was with her, saw it, took her phone, screenshotted, sent it to himself). Since then I find it cringe to dm anyone, especially someone in the same region). I don't know how to talk IRL, I don't know what to say. I'm not socially awkward, I can talk easily to friends or people I don't know, I just seem to stress whenever it's a girl, or when I find her attractive. Have always struggled with this. I know I am not an subhuman, I'm not fat. (75kg) lean, and got muscles I'd say. 184cm, avg in my country. I've kissed girls (around 8, not sure) so that ofcourse reminds that I am not ugly asfuck.
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