RODEBLUR
Moyra Forever
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2020
- Posts
- 31,889
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I feel like the happy ending for my life is to be locked away, life in prison, forever.
I think that that would be my peace. It was insinuated from the beginning.
I was sent to several homes during the course of my life. Starting at age 3/4, I was sent to my first, which was located on a moat with a secured gate.
Just like prison, at this location, being only 4 years old, i was beat up, stolen from, and generally neglected 24/7 by kids literally twice my age and older. The home was for kids 9-12; i was here because of my brother, also only the second youngest at 8, and it was decided i had to be with him.
Just like prison, the staff were corrupt and violent, and got up to antics that would leave me traumatized forever. Just like prison, being small and defenseless made me EVERYONE's favourite toy.
My second home was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
By the time i started school, it was foreshadowed. I was often put behind one-way windows and analyzed. Each iota of my behaviour dissected.
Nearly every school i was in was all-boys.
Fuck, God didn't even try to hide it. My middle school was literally RIGHT next to a fucking penitentiary. During playtime you could look over the extremely thick wall, taller than our entire school complex, coated with barbed wire and see each barred window behind it all. Sometimes i'd wait to see if I could see anyone through them.
My mental state is gone forever. I dont feel anything.
I never stood a chance, by first grade it was already over. I'm an incredibly disturbed individual and any free will i may have is a mere illusion. Every situation ends the same way.
I know now, that this is the end. I've lost everything, and i've been reported, humiliated, scarred, written off.. If I'd simply kill myself today, I'd die with the same reputation of someone that ACTUALLY did what they're making me out to want to do.
That's why i have to commit an atrocity once and for all. To put an end to this. To me. To it. To the suffering. To any suffering I could cause anyone else in the future.
I don't have a plan right now. This isn't my final message. But i have to get it out there. When I lose it and end up doing something, know I tried everything in my power. But I was genetically and environmentally doomed to the same fate. I had no choice over it. Sometimes you just lose.
God help my soul.
I think that that would be my peace. It was insinuated from the beginning.
I was sent to several homes during the course of my life. Starting at age 3/4, I was sent to my first, which was located on a moat with a secured gate.
Just like prison, at this location, being only 4 years old, i was beat up, stolen from, and generally neglected 24/7 by kids literally twice my age and older. The home was for kids 9-12; i was here because of my brother, also only the second youngest at 8, and it was decided i had to be with him.
Just like prison, the staff were corrupt and violent, and got up to antics that would leave me traumatized forever. Just like prison, being small and defenseless made me EVERYONE's favourite toy.
My second home was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
By the time i started school, it was foreshadowed. I was often put behind one-way windows and analyzed. Each iota of my behaviour dissected.
Nearly every school i was in was all-boys.
Fuck, God didn't even try to hide it. My middle school was literally RIGHT next to a fucking penitentiary. During playtime you could look over the extremely thick wall, taller than our entire school complex, coated with barbed wire and see each barred window behind it all. Sometimes i'd wait to see if I could see anyone through them.
My mental state is gone forever. I dont feel anything.
I never stood a chance, by first grade it was already over. I'm an incredibly disturbed individual and any free will i may have is a mere illusion. Every situation ends the same way.
I know now, that this is the end. I've lost everything, and i've been reported, humiliated, scarred, written off.. If I'd simply kill myself today, I'd die with the same reputation of someone that ACTUALLY did what they're making me out to want to do.
That's why i have to commit an atrocity once and for all. To put an end to this. To me. To it. To the suffering. To any suffering I could cause anyone else in the future.
I don't have a plan right now. This isn't my final message. But i have to get it out there. When I lose it and end up doing something, know I tried everything in my power. But I was genetically and environmentally doomed to the same fate. I had no choice over it. Sometimes you just lose.
God help my soul.
