I
incel13
Unloveable
- Joined
- May 25, 2025
- Posts
- 17
- Reputation
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I Hate Being Autistic, and I Hate Myself for It
I don’t just hate being autistic.
I hate me.
I hate the way I talk — too fast, too much, too awkward. I hear myself speak and want to punch a wall. I see people’s eyes glaze over when I ramble, and I know I’ve lost them, again. I can’t stop, though. I never know when enough is enough. I don’t know how to be normal, and honestly? I don’t even know what “normal” is. All I know is that I’m not it.
I hate the way I freeze up in conversations, the way my body stiffens and my brain shuts down when things get too loud, too bright, too everything. I hate that I have to mentally prepare for basic stuff — going to a store, answering the phone, existing.
And the worst part? I know people are annoyed by me. I can feel it — even if they don’t say it. Every fake laugh, every “uh-huh,” every excuse to walk away... it all adds up. I’m not stupid. I know I make people uncomfortable. I’m the awkward one. The weird one. The one who says too much or too little or the wrong thing altogether.
And so I’ve started to hate my own presence. I ruin the mood. I ruin the silence. I ruin myself.
I watch people just be. And I wonder what it’s like to not constantly be performing. Because that’s all I do. I mask, I script, I fake reactions I don’t feel so that people won’t leave me. But they leave anyway. Because eventually the mask cracks, and what’s underneath isn’t something anyone wants to stick around for.
I know I’m a burden. I know I exhaust people. I know I take up too much space or not enough, never the right kind.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear not in a dramatic, crying-for-help way. I mean it quietly. Peacefully. Like if I just faded out of everyone’s life, things would get easier for them. Maybe for me
too.
I see the posts “Autism is a superpower,” “Neurodivergent and proud” and I want to scream. This doesn’t feel like a superpower. This feels like a punishment. Like I was built wrong and now I’m just supposed to be okay with that.
But I’m not okay.
I’m tired of pretending that I am.
I’m tired of trying to love a version of me that never felt lovable in the first place.
I’m tired of me.
I hate that this is how I exist. I hate how trapped I feel in my own head. I hate that no matter how much I try to explain, people still don’t get it. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be.
But I am.
And that’s the hardest part.
Sorry if this is a little long you dont even have to read everything i just had get if off my chest
I don’t just hate being autistic.
I hate me.
I hate the way I talk — too fast, too much, too awkward. I hear myself speak and want to punch a wall. I see people’s eyes glaze over when I ramble, and I know I’ve lost them, again. I can’t stop, though. I never know when enough is enough. I don’t know how to be normal, and honestly? I don’t even know what “normal” is. All I know is that I’m not it.
I hate the way I freeze up in conversations, the way my body stiffens and my brain shuts down when things get too loud, too bright, too everything. I hate that I have to mentally prepare for basic stuff — going to a store, answering the phone, existing.
And the worst part? I know people are annoyed by me. I can feel it — even if they don’t say it. Every fake laugh, every “uh-huh,” every excuse to walk away... it all adds up. I’m not stupid. I know I make people uncomfortable. I’m the awkward one. The weird one. The one who says too much or too little or the wrong thing altogether.
And so I’ve started to hate my own presence. I ruin the mood. I ruin the silence. I ruin myself.
I watch people just be. And I wonder what it’s like to not constantly be performing. Because that’s all I do. I mask, I script, I fake reactions I don’t feel so that people won’t leave me. But they leave anyway. Because eventually the mask cracks, and what’s underneath isn’t something anyone wants to stick around for.
I know I’m a burden. I know I exhaust people. I know I take up too much space or not enough, never the right kind.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear not in a dramatic, crying-for-help way. I mean it quietly. Peacefully. Like if I just faded out of everyone’s life, things would get easier for them. Maybe for me
too.
I see the posts “Autism is a superpower,” “Neurodivergent and proud” and I want to scream. This doesn’t feel like a superpower. This feels like a punishment. Like I was built wrong and now I’m just supposed to be okay with that.
But I’m not okay.
I’m tired of pretending that I am.
I’m tired of trying to love a version of me that never felt lovable in the first place.
I’m tired of me.
I hate that this is how I exist. I hate how trapped I feel in my own head. I hate that no matter how much I try to explain, people still don’t get it. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be.
But I am.
And that’s the hardest part.
Sorry if this is a little long you dont even have to read everything i just had get if off my chest
You just can’t be ND and have to talk to people. Go live your life lil nigga
