doubleR
Bronze
- Joined
- May 15, 2026
- Posts
- 323
- Reputation
- 186
All of my life, I've struggled with feeling emotions. I grew up in place, where violence is the solution to everything, my father tried to kill my mother a couple times, and beaten her up almost every day, I haven't experienced it so much, byt my sister's did, they also suffered from it. But he loved me, he hit me only once in my life, and I escaped from home, cuz I was scared. I lived with him, and his new wife, and he beaten up her everyday, and fights, and scream, was normal for me, I lived like that 5 years I think, from 6 years old to 11. Also, I in my childhood, I got 2 serious head traumas, and I think this affected my brain. When I was older, I figured out that I wasn't normal, I always thought I have ASPD, form my father, and brain injuries. I hated to talk to people, they always called me shy, but I just hated to interact with them. Hated to shower too, it was normal for me to go months without shower. Didn't brush my teeth, and suffer from it to this day, my teeth are rotten. And you know, I had all of ASPD sings, I'm impulsive, don't feel any connection to people, even my mother. And I hate to say it, but I used to abuse animals like cats and birds. My father taught me it, he used to shoot street cats with airgun, and kill them, and I thought it was normal to do this, so I did it too. I always felt souless, because of my "diagnosis", I gave myself, I've never had a proper fatherhood like everyone else, my father was a terrible person, he killed i think 2 people, and was a drug dealer, so he didn't have time for me, and he used to compensate it with toys. But, I don't hate him, I've never truly hated anyone in my life I think, but I had many thoughts, of hurting people, and killing. And I really hurted them. And I know, I'm a terrible person, but, something changed in my life. This will sounds crazy, but a girl helped me, I had 2 attempts to kill myself, and she stopped me. I liked her for a year i think, but she rejected me, and we stayed friends, and I think, it's the best for her, and me. I wish her only good thing's in life, and I don't fit in it. I used to starve for 2-3 days, and once I told her that, and she had the same problem, she cried cuz of that, we talked and she cried all along, and realised how bad is it, and that's it's a problem. She helped me to start eating again, but still, I don't do it for myself, but more for her, so she won't cry again. I'm a very self destructive person, I don't feel empathy to other people, and also to my body. I used to cut myself out of bored, oh, man, I hate boredom, not gonna lie. But, one day, things and up like that, that I was hugging her, and we both we're sleeping, like, I wasn't, I couldn't sleep. And I was hugging her, my head was on her breast, I listened to her heartbeat, and breathe, and god, I felt something. Something that I can't describe, I guess feeling of love, love that other people can feel in daily basis, but for me, it was like a blessing. And that feeling wasn't even sexual, the same day I was choking her friend, and had a knife around her neck, and I hate it, but I liked it, in the sexual way. But I don't even like her friend, I think she's ugly and stuff. But I just want to forget all of this, I'm trying to be a better person, for her. And with that, now I know that I can feel, and I'm very happy about it. I try my best, to not see her crying again. My life, and my death, is no longer my, but her's too. And I would give everything, just to live like a normaln person, but, even with that, I'm trying to live. And truly, I wish she will never talk to ne again, I'm just not right person to be friends with, but at the same time, she is the only bright sunny beam, in my life. End of a post.
