I have always felt so disgustingly unwanted

[2chevskuy]

I am balling my eyes right now because of the memories of my childhood and early teens and I can’t even vent about it somethings not feeling right I don’t know I thought I have cried so much already I have no more time, reasons nor sadness but I was wrong

 

[2chevskuy]

No one ever wanted to hear me vent anyway, so many people blacklisted me and are ghosting me

 

[maximuslaid]

Childhood was so beautiful

We always took it for granted and wanted to be adults

 

[johncenawwe1]

I am balling my eyes right now because of the memories of my childhood and early teens and I can’t even vent about it somethings not feeling right I don’t know I thought I have cried so much already I have no more time, reasons nor sadness but I was wrong

how old are you? there’s likely still time to lock in

 

[2chevskuy]

how old are you? there’s likely still time to lock in

17

 

[2chevskuy]

Childhood was so beautiful

We always took it for granted and wanted to be adults

My childhood would be beautiful if I was ever loved back

 

[2chevskuy]

o god I was so deeply in love with her

 

[maximuslaid]

My childhood would be beautiful if I was ever loved back

Your childhood wasnt beautiful? What happened?

I remembered being so carefree back then everything was fun and i actually wanted to live life

 

[2chevskuy]

Your childhood wasnt beautiful? What happened?

I remembered being so carefree back then everything was fun and i actually wanted to live life

my father left when I was 3 months old, but later when I was like 6 him and mom came back together. they’re apart and hate eachother at the moment but that’s not quite the point
my mother was working till like 8pm ( I went to bed at 9ish)
I was raised by my grandfather
and he died when I was 10
and i wasn’t even present on his funeral
I didn’t get to see him for the last time
I don’t even remember his voice or face.
Of course I look at the photos
But I don’t recognise him
I dream about him
I cry because of him
Once in a dream, I was like 13 when I saw it, he acted like a stranger, like he doesn’t even know me. I enter his house and he says leave this place leave me alone I don’t know you kid stay away
And I cried so bad my neighbours knocked on the door to check if everything’s ok
it never left me


I was never loved mutually by girls in my childhood or during teenage years, I loved a girl so bad I would literally do anything for her. I went to school for her. It’s not just the first love like everyone says, it was so much deeper. truly. but she was the popular girl, like she was friends with literally anyone, and she was rich af. of course she wouldn’t look my way. I was ugly, weak and from a poor and broken household. I cried every single night for years. Literally.
So basically when my “friends” told her how bad I loved her, she just laughed. She kept on laughing, she couldn’t believe the absurdity of someone so bad daring to express feelings or to feel at all.
Then I was sure it was something to do about my looks that I could change. And I decided to gymmax. Like 9 at the moment. Again my family was poor and they wouldn’t buy barbells for me, so I just filled up water jugs to a certain point and used them for bicep curls. I did pushups and crunches and everything and I was skinny af. So I saw some buff guy say like “to have big arms train triceps not biceps”
I looked up “triceps exercises with dumbbell” and tried to repeat the overhead triceps extension with the water jug. It was too heavy and I couldn’t do it with the right form. My father was back home at this point of my life sadly, and he said something that sounds like “ stop fucking around if you’re exercising then exercise, if you just do some random shit don’t even bother” in English

so I cried very hard again when he left the home for a walk, never touched the jug when he was present and hated myself, hated my looks my body my emotionality
I thought If I just scratched my belly a bit, the abs would be more noticeable. And I scratched it so hard I accidentally left horizontal scars on my stomach that are still present and very visible.

just remembering this fact makes me want to cry and hate my childhood, it’s my core wound that even has lead to all this insecurity and obsession over my looks. I can never be happy with myself

 

[maximuslaid]

my father left when I was 3 months old, but later when I was like 6 him and mom came back together. they’re apart and hate eachother at the moment but that’s not quite the point
my mother was working till like 8pm ( I went to bed at 9ish)
I was raised by my grandfather
and he died when I was 10
and i wasn’t even present on his funeral
I didn’t get to see him for the last time
I don’t even remember his voice or face.
Of course I look at the photos
But I don’t recognise him
I dream about him
I cry because of him
Once in a dream, I was like 13 when I saw it, he acted like a stranger, like he doesn’t even know me. I enter his house and he says leave this place leave me alone I don’t know you kid stay away
And I cried so bad my neighbours knocked on the door to check if everything’s ok
it never left me


I was never loved mutually by girls in my childhood or during teenage years, I loved a girl so bad I would literally do anything for her. I went to school for her. It’s not just the first love like everyone says, it was so much deeper. truly. but she was the popular girl, like she was friends with literally anyone, and she was rich af. of course she wouldn’t look my way. I was ugly, weak and from a poor and broken household. I cried every single night for years. Literally.
So basically when my “friends” told her how bad I loved her, she just laughed. She kept on laughing, she couldn’t believe the absurdity of someone so bad daring to express feelings or to feel at all.
Then I was sure it was something to do about my looks that I could change. And I decided to gymmax. Like 9 at the moment. Again my family was poor and they wouldn’t buy barbells for me, so I just filled up water jugs to a certain point and used them for bicep curls. I did pushups and crunches and everything and I was skinny af. So I saw some buff guy say like “to have big arms train triceps not biceps”
I looked up “triceps exercises with dumbbell” and tried to repeat the overhead triceps extension with the water jug. It was too heavy and I couldn’t do it with the right form. My father was back home at this point of my life sadly, and he said something that sounds like “ stop fucking around if you’re exercising then exercise, if you just do some random shit don’t even bother” in English

so I cried very hard again when he left the home for a walk, never touched the jug when he was present and hated myself, hated my looks my body my emotionality
I thought If I just scratched my belly a bit, the abs would be more noticeable. And I scratched it so hard I accidentally left horizontal scars on my stomach that are still present and very visible.

just remembering this fact makes me want to cry and hate my childhood, it’s my core wound that even has lead to all this insecurity and obsession over my looks. I can never be happy with myself

Fuck thats brutal man, i cant fully understand what youve gone through since I havent lived it myself but i genuinely hope life starts treating you more kindly

 

[2chevskuy]

Fuck thats brutal man, i cant fully understand what youve gone through since I havent lived it myself but i genuinely hope life starts treating you more kindly

Thank you for the wishes but I’m sure it won’t. I have no future. Don’t believe the “if Ronaldo scored on your birthday you’re gonna live a happy life” shit
he striked a hat trick on my birthday and I’m still miserable

 

[maximuslaid]

Thank you for the wishes but I’m sure it won’t. I have no future. Don’t believe the “if Ronaldo scored on your birthday you’re gonna live a happy life” shit
he striked a hat trick on my birthday and I’m still miserable

Dont lose hope yet bro

Youll never know what the futures like

 

[2chevskuy]

Dont lose hope yet bro

Youll never know what the futures like

Thank you regardless bhai. I feel a bit better now

 

[johncenawwe1]

17

Yea, it’s not over. I’ve seen people way older than you on here.

Lock in. Time goes by quicker than you realize.