TopTierBBQ
Iron
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2025
- Posts
- 25
- Reputation
- 27
I dont really have a bad life nor bad looks.I get rated usually around htn and im 6,0 and I live on Europe while being a negro,even so no one has been racist with me till this day so I guess im well. But something is off, I dont really have many friends not because I can't but I just dont feel the need of. Most people I know just like drinking alcohol and going parties and I hate that, before I would actually join them but after coming back to home it would be the same or even a worse void. I usually hang around two friends who I love to be with but they are deadbeats,I usually help them with money,personal needs etc. But at the end of the day,I dont really gain nothing from them,they dropped highschool and everytime they start to speak about "Locking in" I wanna just start lecturing them but I gave up a long time ago,some people just dont want to be saved. Even so I like hanging more with them than with others, instead of drinking and smoking I can chill and watch them play random games. On the dating side, I hate women, just because of how they act, in general they are not the brightest and I hate thinking something like that because I really believe everyone is equal but it gets to a point,Tbh i dont really feel any kind of guilt when I cut them off because I just didnt like a thing. I was dating this girl for around 6 months, she was a htb but she loved going to parties,drinking,smoking etc. And I just faked my whole personality to see how it goes but I couldn't no more, just as time passed I was just tired of keeping up that facade and just told her that I don't think it would work out. I managed to get her to do daily runs with me, go to gym and read but you can just tell when someone does something just to appease you instead of because they want to really do it.I don't know if its Lust, puberty or hormones but I can't stop meeting girls like I don't feel good with them but I just need to slay them ,usually I dont really care about looks so 6/10 its pretty good for me but give a girl the chance of knowing you and they will just want to hook up(I mean I don't really hate it but I don't like dating someone just to hook up or have sex,if I was really that starved I would just beat my meat).I thought at some point that maybe making money was the solution and no, I started a business and got myself a gaming laptop, a TV, clothes etc. And its the same void, not even pain. Sometimes I will cry myself to bed without really knowing why I am crying. I dont really know what went wrong, I can remember that I had this feeling around a year ago for no reason, I woke up one day and just started to feel like trash.BTW maybe is just ashwagandha, because when I started to feel like this I started taking ashwagandha for more testosterone and gym gains.Even so I doubt its ashwagandha because even if anhedonia is a side effect im not sure it makes you feel like this. Sometimes I really start to wonder what's the point of life if I don't find the joy on nothing, maybe temporal happiness might come my way in the form of a gift,friend,wealth etc. But it doesnt change the core problem. Its even worse getting home and knowing everything you do outside its fake, at the end of the day I act like an extrovert but im really an introvert. Even so, maybe this year things will get better,Im starting a brand so maybe I will get fulfilled or get enough money to be free and really find what drives me.Because killing myself isnt really a fear to me at the moment,I live on a seventh floor and sometimes when I just feel low I will sit at the roof and observe people from up,I dont really fear death but I don't want to die yet because I think there is really something at the other side of the door.Crazy ahh text
