got.daim
Bartolomeo
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2024
- Posts
- 17,650
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i didn’t get anything i was supposed to get growing up, no first kiss, no prom, no love notes, no late night phone calls where you both fall asleep and wake up still on the line, no girl asking me to walk her home, no sneaking out to see someone just to be close to them, no birthday surprises, no inside jokes with some girl who thought i was the cutest thing in the world, nothing, i didn’t get any of it and now i’m 28 and it’s all just gone, like it’s not even an option anymore, people say it doesn’t matter or that it’s not a big deal but it is, it’s a huge deal, it changes how you see yourself, it changes your entire perspective on life and relationships, when you’re young and you don’t get chosen, that sticks with you, and it doesn’t just go away when you hit your twenties, it builds up, it compounds, and eventually you just start living like someone who was never wanted, like yeah sure i’ve had girls talk to me since but it’s not the same, it’s not love, it’s not excitement, it’s just people passing time with each other because they don’t want to be alone, and everything now feels forced, robotic, awkward, scripted, like i’m just repeating some version of romance that i never got to actually learn in the first place, like i skipped the class but i’m still expected to pass the test, and no one understands what it’s like to be completely skipped over in your most formative years, to never have that moment where someone chooses you when it actually matters, and then you grow up and watch everyone else move on with this emotional foundation that you never got, like they built something and i never even had bricks, i’m just sitting here with nothing trying to act like i’m normal, like i’m not missing something huge, and people act like it’s shallow or dramatic to care about this stuff but it’s not, this stuff matters, being loved when you’re young matters, being wanted, being validated, feeling like you’re part of the world everyone else is living in, that stuff matters, and when you miss it, you don’t get it back, there’s no redo button, i can’t just go find some high school experience now, i can’t go to prom at 28, i can’t have a first kiss again, i can’t get that version of love where it’s all new and raw and intense and stupid and beautiful, i never got it and i never will, and that’s the part that really hits me, it’s not just that i missed out, it’s that there’s no fixing it, it’s permanent, and now i’m stuck watching people who lived it all now settle down and talk about their “crazy youth” like it was some rite of passage while i just sat on the sidelines the whole time like a ghost, like i existed but not really, and now i’m supposed to just smile and try dating like it’s fine, like it’s not a big deal, like i’m not 10 years behind emotionally and socially, and even when i do date now it’s empty, it doesn’t hit the same, i can’t feel anything real from it because my brain still thinks love is something that happens to other people, not me, so i end up overthinking everything, doubting everything, sabotaging it or shutting down because i don’t even know what it’s supposed to feel like, and every time someone says “you’ll find the right one eventually” it just pisses me off more because no one gets it, the right one doesn’t exist when the timing is wrong, you can’t have real connection without that foundation, and i didn’t get it, i got skipped, and i’m tired of pretending that doesn’t matter, i’m tired of acting like i’m fine just because i’m functioning, deep down i still feel like that kid who was always the last pick, the one who got told “you’re such a good friend” while watching some other guy live the life i wanted, and now that guy’s married and has kids and i’m still here wondering what i did wrong even though i know it wasn’t even about me, it was just the way i looked, the way i carried myself, the way the world perceived me, and now it’s too late, now i’m just another face in the adult world, another guy trying to figure it out when everyone else already did, and yeah maybe someday i’ll meet someone or whatever but it’s not going to fix anything, it’s not going to make up for everything i missed, it’s not going to go back in time and fill that hole, it’s just going to be more pretending, more acting like i know what i’m doing, more numb dates with people who are just as emotionally checked out as i am, and i don’t even know what i’m supposed to do with all this anymore, i just keep carrying it, and no one sees it, no one really gets it, they just say “you’re overthinking” or “stop living in the past” but it’s not the past to me, it’s the present, it’s my entire sense of self, and it won’t go away just because i smile and play along
