I underestimate how hateful life has made me

[Deleted member 1476]

Thinking about childhood bullying, loneliness at school, my mum being ill and everything else that has happened in my life doesn't really stir any emotion in me. I just shrug my shoulders and think 'it is what it is'. Now I realise that all of that trauma is subconscious and manifests in misanthropy, being cruel to others often out of nowhere and feeling sad or angry for no apparent reason. I don't think kindness and other positive things come naturally to me anymore as they do to normal people. Until recently, I didn't notice how deliberate and contrived my kindness was and how much effort it took

I feel like Frankenstein's monster. He was in some ways more human than the people who reviled him because all he wanted was to love. But all he got was abuse and ostracism, making him the monster they wanted him to be

All I have ever wanted is to love someone, to have a family one day, some good friends, stuff like that. To belong and be wanted and missed when I'm not there. That never happened and now I'm bitter, cynical, spiteful, jealous, misogynistic and scared of others, even though deep down I don't want to be and get upset by it all. Now it is too late because I am an adult and it is all set in stone

I want to say sorry to anyone I have been horrible to, here or IRL. I don't want to be like this

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

Thinking about childhood bullying, loneliness at school, my mum being ill and everything else that has happened in my life doesn't really stir any emotion in me. I just shrug my shoulders and think 'it is what it is'. Now I realise that all of that trauma is subconscious and manifests in misanthropy, being cruel to others often out of nowhere and feeling sad or angry for no apparent reason. I don't think kindness and other positive things come naturally to me anymore as they do to normal people. Until recently, I didn't notice how deliberate and contrived my kindness was and how much effort it took

I feel like Frankenstein's monster. He was in some ways more human than the people who reviled him because all he wanted was to love. But all he got was abuse and ostracism, making him the monster they wanted him to be

All I have ever wanted is to love someone, to have a family one day, some good friends, stuff like that. To belong and be wanted and missed when I'm not there. That never happened and now I'm bitter, cynical, spiteful, jealous, misogynistic and scared of others, even though deep down I don't want to be and get upset by it all. Now it is too late because I am an adult and it is all set in stone

I want to say sorry to anyone I have been horrible to, here or IRL. I don't want to be like this

You are putting yourself on a pedestal when it comes to "enlightenment" just don't worry about it, just move on and change it is simple as if you truly believe what you did was wrong.

No need for crocodile tears.

 

[Deleted member 10652]

 

[Haven]

Thinking about childhood bullying, loneliness at school, my mum being ill and everything else that has happened in my life doesn't really stir any emotion in me. I just shrug my shoulders and think 'it is what it is'. Now I realise that all of that trauma is subconscious and manifests in misanthropy, being cruel to others often out of nowhere and feeling sad or angry for no apparent reason. I don't think kindness and other positive things come naturally to me anymore as they do to normal people. Until recently, I didn't notice how deliberate and contrived my kindness was and how much effort it took

I feel like Frankenstein's monster. He was in some ways more human than the people who reviled him because all he wanted was to love. But all he got was abuse and ostracism, making him the monster they wanted him to be

All I have ever wanted is to love someone, to have a family one day, some good friends, stuff like that. To belong and be wanted and missed when I'm not there. That never happened and now I'm bitter, cynical, spiteful, jealous, misogynistic and scared of others, even though deep down I don't want to be and get upset by it all. Now it is too late because I am an adult and it is all set in stone

I want to say sorry to anyone I have been horrible to, here or IRL. I don't want to be like this

Same

 

[Deleted member 1476]

You are putting yourself on a pedestal when it comes to "enlightenment" just don't worry about it, just move on and change it is simple as if you truly believe what you did was wrong.

No need for crocodile tears.

I try not to be hard on myself but then I make the same mistakes over and over again. Every friend I ever made throughout school, I drove them away by being cruel and jealous

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

I try not to be hard on myself but then I make the same mistakes over and over again. Every friend I ever made throughout school, I drove them away by being cruel and jealous

Yes and there is zero reason to talk to others about it, you know your issues you know how to fix them. The only thing we can do as people is contribute to the betterment of our own lives and society as a whole.

People move on but you can make sure to treat future people better, complaining on a forum however will just put you into a rut and make you emotionally weak.

 

[Deleted member 12102]

I try not to be hard on myself but then I make the same mistakes over and over again. Every friend I ever made throughout school, I drove them away by being cruel and jealous

i believe that one day your life will become a change and it will be good for you , you have taken much and did some shit but in this moment you didnt knew about the conesequences i know what you mean. you are a good guy never say less, after a bad time , a time will shine in this you will be happy .i would be your friend irl when i met you so i think that many others will

 

[Deleted member 6380]

I underestimated how much i give a fuck

 

[Deleted member 3043]

I don't want to be like this

You'r only responsible for what you have the total free will, so all in all, very little things.
Do a quest as much as you can about the sense of this life, i can try to help you in that regard if you want, it's really at the end of the day all that matters.

how deliberate and contrived my kindness was and how much effort it took

It is not. I can sense good heart in people. You are one of those.
Don't believe anything else. And all in all, our former nature, of all humans, is a good nature.

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

i believe that one day your life will become a change and it will be good for you , you have taken much and did some shit but in this moment you didnt knew about the conesequences i know what you mean. you are a good guy never say less, after a bad time , a time will shine in this you will be happy .i would be your friend irl when i met you so i think that many others will

Yeah and that change is his responsibility not something for life to throw at him.

 

[Deleted member 12102]

Yeah and that change is his responsibility not something for life to throw at him.

yes exactly that it is. i just wanted to say some nice things because im not rational guy im rather emotional but you have a really serious point. people think one day just everything happens for him but no you have to take it on your own hands and when you dont do it you cant blame anyone rather then your self

 

[Deleted member 1476]

Yeah and that change is his responsibility not something for life to throw at him.

My point is that I'm fighting my nature at this point which is why I feel like I'm fucked. You are right though it rests on me

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

My point is that I'm fighting my nature at this point which is why I feel like I'm fucked. You are right though it rests on me

Nature is an excuse made by weak people, the entire benefit of us being sentient is that we can change and that we can evaluate ourselves it is the only reason we are better than the animals we claim are below us.

yes exactly that it is. i just wanted to say some nice things because im not rational guy im rather emotional but you have a really serious point. people think one day just everything happens for him but no you have to take it on your own hands and when you dont do it you cant blame anyone rather then your self

Stuff doesn't just change regardless of what you want you have to take steps, I have made mistakes in the past I know what they were and now I have changed I hope to show change but I don't speak about it as if it is some huge achievement.

 

[Deleted member 12102]

Nature is an excuse made by weak people, the entire benefit of us being sentient is that we can change and that we can evaluate ourselves it is the only reason we are better than the animals we claim are below us.

Stuff doesn't just change regardless of what you want you have to take steps, I have made mistakes in the past I know what they were and now I have changed I hope to show change but I don't speak about it as if it is some huge achievement.

im glad to hear that you did well on changig from your mistakes bro

 

[pizza]

cutie

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

im glad to hear that you did well on changig from your mistakes bro

Eh I am not, it was just view changes which I should have done a much longer time ago it is pathetic.

 

[Deleted member 4430]

sorry to heard, but I didnt ask tho, jimmy

 

[Deleted member 12102]

Eh I am not, it was just view changes which I should have done a much longer time ago it is pathetic.

dont be so hard to you self that you should done it before. atleast you know it know and changed now for the better then never
i think that only is good enough to be proud (because your say that is a huge achievbment)

 

[Deleted member 1476]

sorry to heard, but I didnt ask tho, jimmy

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

dont be so hard to you self that you should done it before. atleast you know it know and changed now for the better then never
i think that only is good enough to be proud (because your say that is a huge achievbment)

Shouldn't be proud to have human decency you should just have it. Never going to improve unless you are harsh with yourself then you can truly see change.

 

[audreyen]

All I have ever wanted is to love someone, to have a family one day, some good friends, stuff like that. To belong and be wanted and missed when I'm not there. That never happened and now I'm bitter, cynical, spiteful, jealous, misogynistic and scared of others, even though deep down I don't want to be and get upset by it all. Now it is too late because I am an adult and it is all set in stone

This part made me legit tear up ngl. Wish I could hug you bro

 

[Deleted member 12102]

Shouldn't be proud to have human decency you should just have it. Never going to improve unless you are harsh with yourself then you can truly see change.

damn you have some alpha mindset

 

[Deleted member 1476]

This part made me legit tear up ngl. Wish I could hug you bro

Likewise bro

 

[SendMePicsToRate]

damn you have some alpha mindset

Not really to be totally honest, just one that I have found that has made me at least see some meaning for this life regardless of not believing in god.

 

[Deleted member 7863]

Thinking about childhood bullying, loneliness at school, my mum being ill and everything else that has happened in my life doesn't really stir any emotion in me. I just shrug my shoulders and think 'it is what it is'. Now I realise that all of that trauma is subconscious and manifests in misanthropy, being cruel to others often out of nowhere and feeling sad or angry for no apparent reason. I don't think kindness and other positive things come naturally to me anymore as they do to normal people. Until recently, I didn't notice how deliberate and contrived my kindness was and how much effort it took

I feel like Frankenstein's monster. He was in some ways more human than the people who reviled him because all he wanted was to love. But all he got was abuse and ostracism, making him the monster they wanted him to be

All I have ever wanted is to love someone, to have a family one day, some good friends, stuff like that. To belong and be wanted and missed when I'm not there. That never happened and now I'm bitter, cynical, spiteful, jealous, misogynistic and scared of others, even though deep down I don't want to be and get upset by it all. Now it is too late because I am an adult and it is all set in stone

I want to say sorry to anyone I have been horrible to, here or IRL. I don't want to be like this

Good anakin goood, kill him

 

[turkproducer]

same problem here, but you can’t change shit about the past only the way you view it and try to move on

ik it sounds cliche and bluepill but there’s some truth in those sayings