hospital
Iron
- Joined
- May 8, 2026
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what did she do? cheated manipulated me and is continuing although now there’s two outcomes. this is what i felt before hand.
created sept 8, 2025
initial thoughts:
the day i found out.
in that moment i had no clue what to feel. even now i don’t know how to explain my feelings. all i could think to myself was, not you. you wouldn’t do that to me right?, it all feels unreal to me. even now and the day im writing this is sept 9th. i knew about this exact situation and had prob in january. that was 8 months ago. i just couldn’t say anything, i couldn’t lose you. and in honesty when something like this comes up or something, anything happens. i can’t help but blame myself and feel like the problem. when it had happened i apologized to YOU for not being enough. for what you did to me. even now i don’t know what to say. i thought it would be best for me to forget. I thought alot of things
. i was just so happy to have my baby back, i didn’t notice what was actually happening the visible unhappiness in your eyes id take pictures of you at dairy queen. just little things, stuff like randy kissing you at school and me forgetting about it. me asking you who you were with the first day of school, most of it was randy you and him walked together nearly every class you stood next to him after school and he even went to your house. i asked you who you were with you named every single person except for him. i should’ve noticed. even now it’s a fact that you chose him over me, you had me but you still sent fucking nudes to him. you still talked about sex with him but you had me. i don’t care what you say, you chose him over me. in the moment i had felt nothing you told said or did for me was true or had any meaning behind it i felt like i was just nobody to you, you’d be willing to do that to me over nothing..
but that’s my baby. you were supposed to be mine, only mine. forever.
sometimes i sit here and think about ending my life possible outcomes the usual i’ve always done, i ache to know how you’d feel would you mourn for me?, would you feel guilt or sorrow?. would you wish you could do it over.
no matter what you would feel, id choose you in everysingle lifetime even in the ones you hated me, if you never left randy and never got back with me i’d spend the rest of my days seeking out for your love craving what we used to be. no matter what you do to me no matter how you make me feel, id never think less of you or hold it against you even if what you feel is fake. i just want to imagine this reality with you, now. and time and time again. i would redo it worse or better every single time, aslong as it meant i had you id go through anything and everything.
i wwwill never hate you. i will never dislike you. only love you.
the only reason i freaked out as i did, everything felt fake. and i was so happy i could have it again. i convinced myself it was fake so long ago but i was so happy to receive your love even if it was just for a little but. but all the late nights, all the golf course talks. the first kiss that made me feel so welcomed, so warm, and so invited. all those talks, long ones. you made me believe you were serious and devoted to us this time. i was so happy, so intrigued. and it was going so well, it seemed to good to be true honestly, ; bingo. ‘ that’s what it was, now i’m just stuck recollecting all the stuff i said everything in the past, pictures, conversations, calls. dates, times.
straining my heart and mind, yearning to find out, no to figure out, figure out where i went wrong, where i didn’t understand you.
where i made you think you needed another man’s attention.
i’ll never hate you pretty baby, but i’ll never stop hating myself. and it’s my fault.
now today is may 19th, 2026 paytin i absolutely fucking despise you and it’s your fault there is nothing i can ever do to change that, you ruined my life ruined me i’ve talked to you since 6th grade on a intimate level. this bullshit started in 8th grade 9th grade i was to stupid and wanted your love i’m now a sophomore and i want nothing from you except for the time you wasted, now im ruining my life thinking about what we could’ve been if i had looked better if i had a better build if i was just a better man, but i can’t go back into the past so ill never know what if i wasn’t such a disgusting waste of space on earth, then would you have been loyal? would i still be happy without hating myself with every coming day? would i not be considering suicide at the hands of what i thought love was disguised in evil. i used to feel nothing but love for you now i feel nothing but rage and pity.
Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside a version of myself I can’t stand. I look in the mirror and see someone I barely recognize — someone I don’t like, someone I wish I could escape. I don’t even know when it started, this quiet loathing, this ache that hangs over everything. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to want better, to hope, to believe that it’ll get easier. But no matter how much I reach for light, it always slips through my fingers.
There’s this deep exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix. It's like I’m tired of myself — tired of being the one person I can never get away from. I keep waiting for something to change, something to shift, but it never does. And I hate that I still hold on, even when it hurts. I hate the way I keep showing up in my own life just to disappoint myself over and over again.
But even in the middle of all this pain, there's this strange, quiet clarity: I still notice the small things. The way sunlight falls through my window some mornings. The sound of laughter from someone I care about. The calm right before it rains. I don’t know how I can hate myself so much and still find moments that make me feel something close to grateful.
So maybe, while I’m still here — while this version of me exists — I can try to appreciate the things I have. Even if they don’t fix me. Even if they don’t save me. Maybe they don’t need to. Maybe it’s enough that they exist. Maybe it’s enough that I still exist, at least for now.
created sept 8, 2025
initial thoughts:
the day i found out.
in that moment i had no clue what to feel. even now i don’t know how to explain my feelings. all i could think to myself was, not you. you wouldn’t do that to me right?, it all feels unreal to me. even now and the day im writing this is sept 9th. i knew about this exact situation and had prob in january. that was 8 months ago. i just couldn’t say anything, i couldn’t lose you. and in honesty when something like this comes up or something, anything happens. i can’t help but blame myself and feel like the problem. when it had happened i apologized to YOU for not being enough. for what you did to me. even now i don’t know what to say. i thought it would be best for me to forget. I thought alot of things
. i was just so happy to have my baby back, i didn’t notice what was actually happening the visible unhappiness in your eyes id take pictures of you at dairy queen. just little things, stuff like randy kissing you at school and me forgetting about it. me asking you who you were with the first day of school, most of it was randy you and him walked together nearly every class you stood next to him after school and he even went to your house. i asked you who you were with you named every single person except for him. i should’ve noticed. even now it’s a fact that you chose him over me, you had me but you still sent fucking nudes to him. you still talked about sex with him but you had me. i don’t care what you say, you chose him over me. in the moment i had felt nothing you told said or did for me was true or had any meaning behind it i felt like i was just nobody to you, you’d be willing to do that to me over nothing..
but that’s my baby. you were supposed to be mine, only mine. forever.
sometimes i sit here and think about ending my life possible outcomes the usual i’ve always done, i ache to know how you’d feel would you mourn for me?, would you feel guilt or sorrow?. would you wish you could do it over.
no matter what you would feel, id choose you in everysingle lifetime even in the ones you hated me, if you never left randy and never got back with me i’d spend the rest of my days seeking out for your love craving what we used to be. no matter what you do to me no matter how you make me feel, id never think less of you or hold it against you even if what you feel is fake. i just want to imagine this reality with you, now. and time and time again. i would redo it worse or better every single time, aslong as it meant i had you id go through anything and everything.
i wwwill never hate you. i will never dislike you. only love you.
the only reason i freaked out as i did, everything felt fake. and i was so happy i could have it again. i convinced myself it was fake so long ago but i was so happy to receive your love even if it was just for a little but. but all the late nights, all the golf course talks. the first kiss that made me feel so welcomed, so warm, and so invited. all those talks, long ones. you made me believe you were serious and devoted to us this time. i was so happy, so intrigued. and it was going so well, it seemed to good to be true honestly, ; bingo. ‘ that’s what it was, now i’m just stuck recollecting all the stuff i said everything in the past, pictures, conversations, calls. dates, times.
straining my heart and mind, yearning to find out, no to figure out, figure out where i went wrong, where i didn’t understand you.
where i made you think you needed another man’s attention.
i’ll never hate you pretty baby, but i’ll never stop hating myself. and it’s my fault.
now today is may 19th, 2026 paytin i absolutely fucking despise you and it’s your fault there is nothing i can ever do to change that, you ruined my life ruined me i’ve talked to you since 6th grade on a intimate level. this bullshit started in 8th grade 9th grade i was to stupid and wanted your love i’m now a sophomore and i want nothing from you except for the time you wasted, now im ruining my life thinking about what we could’ve been if i had looked better if i had a better build if i was just a better man, but i can’t go back into the past so ill never know what if i wasn’t such a disgusting waste of space on earth, then would you have been loyal? would i still be happy without hating myself with every coming day? would i not be considering suicide at the hands of what i thought love was disguised in evil. i used to feel nothing but love for you now i feel nothing but rage and pity.
Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside a version of myself I can’t stand. I look in the mirror and see someone I barely recognize — someone I don’t like, someone I wish I could escape. I don’t even know when it started, this quiet loathing, this ache that hangs over everything. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to want better, to hope, to believe that it’ll get easier. But no matter how much I reach for light, it always slips through my fingers.
There’s this deep exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix. It's like I’m tired of myself — tired of being the one person I can never get away from. I keep waiting for something to change, something to shift, but it never does. And I hate that I still hold on, even when it hurts. I hate the way I keep showing up in my own life just to disappoint myself over and over again.
But even in the middle of all this pain, there's this strange, quiet clarity: I still notice the small things. The way sunlight falls through my window some mornings. The sound of laughter from someone I care about. The calm right before it rains. I don’t know how I can hate myself so much and still find moments that make me feel something close to grateful.
So maybe, while I’m still here — while this version of me exists — I can try to appreciate the things I have. Even if they don’t fix me. Even if they don’t save me. Maybe they don’t need to. Maybe it’s enough that they exist. Maybe it’s enough that I still exist, at least for now.
