hax
esoteric prob
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2025
- Posts
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TLDR: I HAVE NO STRIKING FEATURES AND THE WAY OUT OF THIS MAKES ME LOSE EVERYTHING I LOVE
(read if you want to)
i’ve always wanted to look like those cute, androgynous, slightly facially chubby, skinny emo boys. the ones you only ever see in blurry 240p pinterest posts. the kind of faces that seem soft without trying, the kind of bodies that fit into clothes like they were built for them.
unfortunately, that’s not my life. i was born with high facial averageness, most traits on my face are bland, forgettable, boring and some almost ugly like my eyes. the “windows to my soul” are broken windows. the one thing that could’ve made me look even slightly different was my dad’s hazel eyes, taken from me once again by my foid mother.
i’m genetically average with nothing striking, nothing that supports the aesthetic i want so badly.
and maybe all of that would’ve been bearable if my face wasn’t so boneless. every part of me is extremely recessed due to my mom feeding me close to nothing and never any meat throughout puberty. i grew into these fragile bones that can barely hold themselves with a frame only a mother could love. despite all that, the suffering continues, i’m still severely underweight, my ribs stick out, i can see the color of my veins through my skin and my stomach growls loud enough to remind me what i don’t have. eating, something i used to love, turned into a chore i force myself through just to make it through the day. i’m always weak, always bloated, always tired.
nothing on my face is changeable. nothing can ever make me look like those teens i try to replicate. i can’t spawn in unique features, i can’t morph myself into something special. bone structure and muscle are the only things that would make me slightly above average.
so i started thinking about steroids, the same thing i used to laugh at years back. day after day, night after night, the idea wouldn’t leave me alone. as every cope i held onto slowly crumbled, i started thinking maybe it really is the only way out of whatever this is, not the escape i wanted, but the only one that feels realistic.
steroids would sadly tear apart the androgynous look i hold onto. they’d shove me into the tryhard masculine male gaze version of myself i never asked for. i hate muscle on my body; it feels wrong, unaesthetic, heavy, like it would ruin everything i’ve built. emo and scene clothes won’t fit the same way, they won’t suit the new shape i’d be stuck with. i’d lose the skinny aesthetic forever. turning into someone i don’t even want to look at.
i’d be sacrificing the one look i actually want just to mog in at least one domain. and even that win would be empty; a victory that leaves me alone. reason is the people i’m trying to attract don’t want anything to do with the “roided up” version of me. i know i’d lose whatever attention i hoped for but my face can’t attract them either. i won’t like my body in clothes once everything changes. even if my face improves, even if my body looks stronger, i know i’ll still feel separate, watching couples who get to be effortlessly skinny in their archive clothing, knowing it’s a life i’ll never touch, a life i can only dream of.
i keep thinking i was born with nothing, no features, no harmony, nothing aesthetic to grow into. and now i'm stuck in this strange place between taking steroids or accepting an appearance that feels even worse.
both paths feel like losses. both feel like giving something up. and no matter what i choose, it feels like i’ll never reach the soft, pretty, delicate features i wanted from the start.
i was cursed from birth once again.
(read if you want to)
i’ve always wanted to look like those cute, androgynous, slightly facially chubby, skinny emo boys. the ones you only ever see in blurry 240p pinterest posts. the kind of faces that seem soft without trying, the kind of bodies that fit into clothes like they were built for them.
unfortunately, that’s not my life. i was born with high facial averageness, most traits on my face are bland, forgettable, boring and some almost ugly like my eyes. the “windows to my soul” are broken windows. the one thing that could’ve made me look even slightly different was my dad’s hazel eyes, taken from me once again by my foid mother.
i’m genetically average with nothing striking, nothing that supports the aesthetic i want so badly.
and maybe all of that would’ve been bearable if my face wasn’t so boneless. every part of me is extremely recessed due to my mom feeding me close to nothing and never any meat throughout puberty. i grew into these fragile bones that can barely hold themselves with a frame only a mother could love. despite all that, the suffering continues, i’m still severely underweight, my ribs stick out, i can see the color of my veins through my skin and my stomach growls loud enough to remind me what i don’t have. eating, something i used to love, turned into a chore i force myself through just to make it through the day. i’m always weak, always bloated, always tired.
nothing on my face is changeable. nothing can ever make me look like those teens i try to replicate. i can’t spawn in unique features, i can’t morph myself into something special. bone structure and muscle are the only things that would make me slightly above average.
so i started thinking about steroids, the same thing i used to laugh at years back. day after day, night after night, the idea wouldn’t leave me alone. as every cope i held onto slowly crumbled, i started thinking maybe it really is the only way out of whatever this is, not the escape i wanted, but the only one that feels realistic.
steroids would sadly tear apart the androgynous look i hold onto. they’d shove me into the tryhard masculine male gaze version of myself i never asked for. i hate muscle on my body; it feels wrong, unaesthetic, heavy, like it would ruin everything i’ve built. emo and scene clothes won’t fit the same way, they won’t suit the new shape i’d be stuck with. i’d lose the skinny aesthetic forever. turning into someone i don’t even want to look at.
i’d be sacrificing the one look i actually want just to mog in at least one domain. and even that win would be empty; a victory that leaves me alone. reason is the people i’m trying to attract don’t want anything to do with the “roided up” version of me. i know i’d lose whatever attention i hoped for but my face can’t attract them either. i won’t like my body in clothes once everything changes. even if my face improves, even if my body looks stronger, i know i’ll still feel separate, watching couples who get to be effortlessly skinny in their archive clothing, knowing it’s a life i’ll never touch, a life i can only dream of.
i keep thinking i was born with nothing, no features, no harmony, nothing aesthetic to grow into. and now i'm stuck in this strange place between taking steroids or accepting an appearance that feels even worse.
both paths feel like losses. both feel like giving something up. and no matter what i choose, it feels like i’ll never reach the soft, pretty, delicate features i wanted from the start.
i was cursed from birth once again.
