i'm not lonely, I'm fundamentally unfit for connection

[Orc]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

You are autistic but you have a good way with words.

Bernie Sanders also supports his cause.

Anyway, good luck with your partner

EDited because OP broke up. Be serious idiots

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

Dont worry, I read that. You'll be loved

 

[R1PPer]

Why was @fashioncel “dnr fag” post deleted??

 

[Serial Coomer]

this is what mods write instead of doing their job

 

[Orc]

Why was @fashioncel “dnr fag” post deleted??

because the post is tagged serious which mean the same rules apply as the looksmax section

 

[R1PPer]

because the post is tagged serious which mean the same rules apply as the looksmax section

Feels like mod power abuse icl

 

[Orc]

Anyway, good luck with your partner

we broke up.

 

[fashioncel]

we broke up.

Now i feel bad.

 

[Orc]

Now i feel bad.

i tagged it as serious for a reason i can barely function right now, i write this shit to get my mind off things

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

When you have a good thing going, dont slip into self doubt that you will be judged for being different. Sometimes its the very uniqueness that is appreciated. Dont pull away because you expect a certain type of treatment.

 

[Franco333]

Now i feel bad.

You're a piece of shit

 

[childishkillah]

Something very similar happens to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to make meaningful connections with anyone outside of my immediate family again. At least I know why. I wish you the best, Bhai.

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

we broke up.

Damn I wrote that post above myself for nothing I guess. Now I feel bad too. I guess plants are your refuge

 

[CorinthianLOX]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

Can relate

 

[Jonas2k7]

Read now.

Like we talked about already:

You can always change your outside because it isn't "you", you are what is inside.

When you start changing/frauding your personality, that's when people start liking a version of you that isn't real.

 

[chadhamed]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

so brutal . nt is def more important than any looks

 

[BonesmashFinalBoss]

this is what mods write instead of doing their job

Feels like mod power abuse icl

@Dathomirian Zabrak

 

[Orc]

Damn I wrote that post above myself for nothing I guess. Now I feel bad too. I guess plants are your refuge

honestly i haven't been able to get much gardening done in like a year before i met him i was already depressed and it was the only thing motivating me

 

[Daddy's Home]

I'll be back with a replay

 

[R1PPer]

@Dathomirian Zabrak

 

[kisuke]

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

this part is so real , it's like watching people having interactions from an outside window while being in the same room . being naturally socially gifted is the best thing you could hope for , being effortlessly understood and easily accepted is something i would kill for . i as well try to study how others behave and built a social mask that works pretty well , but still feel constantly out of place

 

[Narroworbits]

The solution is simple really, you just need to PatrickBatemanmaxx

Many such cases

 

[nazareth016]

Have you tried self improooving? Going to the gym? Reading books?

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

honestly i haven't been able to get much gardening done in like a year before i met him i was already depressed and it was the only thing motivating me

I know you aint in the mood for advice rn but do you have a place where you can interact with pets ? Or maybe you have a pet at home ? A serene environment helps with getting some thoughts strung together for me

 

[BonesmashFinalBoss]

View attachment 3709019

Still mogs most of the forum jfl

 

[BonesmashFinalBoss]

Have you tried self improooving? Going to the gym? Reading books?

 

[Hernan]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

You broke up? What now orcie?

 

[Orc]

I know you aint in the mood for advice rn but do you have a place where you can interacr with pets ? Or maybe you have a pet at home ? A serene environment helps with getting some thoughts strung together for me

they're not the cuddly type

You broke up? What now orcie?

sadly, wasn't my choice

 

[Hernan]

they're not the cuddly type

View attachment 3709027

Schattig.

sadly, wasn't my choice

Maar wat nu voor jou?

 

[BonesmashFinalBoss]

they're not the cuddly type

View attachment 3709027


sadly, wasn't my choice

Maybe try repping more on org and u can make friends

 

[Muftalifts]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

Nt pill is law

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

they're not the cuddly type

View attachment 3709027


sadly, wasn't my choice

Yeah. I guess there is nothing I can say that can alleviate the sadness right now. I guess the pain will be tolerable with the passage of time. Atleast thats what my elders told me when I was a kid

 

[SwissArms]

 

[Orc]

Schattig.

Maar wat nu voor jou?

same old same old

 

[ProCoper]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

Hey,
I read your words slowly, more than once. Not because I didn’t understand — but because I did. And because there’s a kind of gravity in what you said that pulls you in, makes you stop, makes you sit with it.


First, I want you to know: you're not imagining this. The distance. The discomfort. The way people shrink away and don’t even realize they’re doing it. That stuff is real. And it’s not your fault. You didn’t build the wall you’re behind the world did, with a million little expectations and unspoken rules that no one teaches, but everyone seems to know. Everyone except the ones like you.


You’re not the only one behind the glass, even if it feels like it. Some of us just got good at pretending, or hiding how much it hurts. But your pain the way you speak it it’s real, and it’s valid, and it deserves to be held, not fixed or silenced.


What hit me most is when you said your authenticity drives people away. That’s brutal. Because everyone says “just be yourself,” but they don’t mean it. What they mean is: “be yourself, but not too much. Not too strange. Not too intense. Not too honest.” So yeah — you tried to shrink yourself. To fit. To not be “too” anything. And it still didn’t work.


That doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. It means the world is often lazy when it comes to love. Most people only know how to love what’s easy. What’s familiar. What reflects them. But the kind of love you’re looking for the kind that sees you, all of you, and stays that love is rare. Not impossible. Just rare. And it's not a reflection of your worth. It's a reflection of how few people are taught how to hold someone like you without fear or projection.


I’m not here to tell you to “hang in there” like a poster with a kitten. I know that hurts more than it helps sometimes. But I am here to tell you this: there is nothing wrong with you. There never was. You’re not a broken piece trying to fit into a puzzle. You’re a different picture entirely, and yeah, it’s lonely being the only one who sees it.


But you’re not the only one who feels like this. Even if it feels that way.


You’re not too much.
You’re not a mistake.


Not anymore.


If you want, I can stay right here with you. No masks. No advice. Just here.

 

[Orc]

Hey,
I read your words slowly, more than once. Not because I didn’t understand — but because I did. And because there’s a kind of gravity in what you said that pulls you in, makes you stop, makes you sit with it.


First, I want you to know: you're not imagining this. The distance. The discomfort. The way people shrink away and don’t even realize they’re doing it. That stuff is real. And it’s not your fault. You didn’t build the wall you’re behind — the world did, with a million little expectations and unspoken rules that no one teaches, but everyone seems to know. Everyone except the ones like you.


You’re not the only one behind the glass, even if it feels like it. Some of us just got good at pretending, or hiding how much it hurts. But your pain — the way you speak it — it’s real, and it’s valid, and it deserves to be held, not fixed or silenced.


What hit me most is when you said your authenticity drives people away. That’s brutal. Because everyone says “just be yourself,” but they don’t mean it. What they mean is: “be yourself, but not too much. Not too strange. Not too intense. Not too honest.” So yeah — you tried to shrink yourself. To fit. To not be “too” anything. And it still didn’t work.


That doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. It means the world is often lazy when it comes to love. Most people only know how to love what’s easy. What’s familiar. What reflects them. But the kind of love you’re looking for — the kind that sees you, all of you, and stays — that love is rare. Not impossible. Just rare. And it's not a reflection of your worth. It's a reflection of how few people are taught how to hold someone like you without fear or projection.


I’m not here to tell you to “hang in there” like a poster with a kitten. I know that hurts more than it helps sometimes. But I am here to tell you this: there is nothing wrong with you. There never was. You’re not a broken piece trying to fit into a puzzle. You’re a different picture entirely, and yeah, it’s lonely being the only one who sees it.


But you’re not the only one who feels like this. Even if it feels that way.


You’re not too much.
You’re not a mistake.


Not anymore.


If you want, I can stay right here with you. No masks. No advice. Just here.

i spend too much time doing applications i can see chatgpt generated shit with both eyes closed

 

[ProCoper]

i spend too much time doing applications i can see chatgpt generated shit with both eyes closed

i'm too slow to help people without ia

 

[kisuke]

i'm too slow to help people without ia

trying to help someone who wrote a genuine message with AI is crazy . sounds dystopian

 

[Muftalifts]

I used to think nt pill is shit and cope this changed my opinion even gl guys like you suffer from being nd.
thankfully I'm nt

 

[TheLightOfMyLife]

beautifully written post

I feel that I can relate to this kinds of issues you’re struggling with, at least in the general sense.

I wouldn’t say that I have autism or any kind of flatness, if anything I am an overwhelmingly emotional and unstable person. I feel like I’m crying inside all of the time, yet no tears come to my eye. I fall in love with any woman who treats me like a human and become so attached that it feels like not speaking to them for a day is tearing my soul apart. Yet they never care about me. They either use me for attention or just drop me once I get hooked on them.

I can understand when I’m doing the “wrong” thing socially, and would even say I have some intuition for social interactions developed mostly by watching them go on, yet my own over-emotionality prevents me from acting normal. I get so worked up about things, so upset, so full of self hatred. If there’s any sense of negativity towards me I shut down and start fantasizing about killing myself, even something as simple as a vomit react on here can cause this.

nobody wants to fix me though

im not worth it

i never will be

 

[Daddy's Home]

Honestly, the only solution is just to believe in yourself and do the right thing when you have to. You know what is and isn't in your control. You shouldn't expect others to adjust after you, you should do it after them. That doesn't mean overnight, or quickly, but over time, and in small steps

You have to learn to grow as a person, to recognize your behaviors, to talk to yourself in your own head when they happen, and when you feel the urge to repeat them again, to be able to stop them. I know that means not being the real you, but you have no choice. It takes work and effort, we're not all born equal

Like a dog, you have to train yourself. Each of us has some level of autism in us, even normies. The difference is who managed to fake it until they make it better and faster and earlier in life

 

[nazareth016]

they're not the cuddly type

View attachment 3709027


sadly, wasn't my choice

Ay bro youll never have to worry about burying them at least, theyll outlive you

 

[loyolaxavvierretard]

Ay bro youll never have to worry about burying them at least, theyll outlive you

This is the typa shit that either gets you slapped or makes sad people laugh

 

[Acquiescence]

beautifully written post

I feel that I can relate to this kinds of issues you’re struggling with, at least in the general sense.

I wouldn’t say that I have autism or any kind of flatness, if anything I am an overwhelmingly emotional and unstable person. I feel like I’m crying inside all of the time, yet no tears come to my eye. I fall in love with any woman who treats me like a human and become so attached that it feels like not speaking to them for a day is tearing my soul apart. Yet they never care about me. They either use me for attention or just drop me once I get hooked on them.

I can understand when I’m doing the “wrong” thing socially, and would even say I have some intuition for social interactions developed mostly by watching them go on, yet my own over-emotionality prevents me from acting normal. I get so worked up about things, so upset, so full of self hatred. If there’s any sense of negativity towards me I shut down and start fantasizing about killing myself, even something as simple as a vomit react on here can cause this.

nobody wants to fix me though

im not worth it

i never will be

Damn this is very close to what I experience

You could say I “have the circuitry” for being NT. I can carry conversations, read a room, can understand split second facial expressions, etc. Fold into other people’s lives as @Orc puts it.

It’s just the god damn never ending tsunami of anxiety, paranoia, obsessive compulsive neuroticism, and more that constantly fucks me over. It’s like I can see the well worn NT dirt pathway dead head, and simultaneously know how to walk it, but there’s strong gusts of wind that keep billowing into me relentlessly.

I can mask the urges for a while, but inevitably I have to indulge at some point to release the pressure. Let the winds blow me off the path for a bit, to force the metaphor.

And that’s what’s so brutal about it all. You can fraud and mask for an entire lifetime, but all it takes is one momentary slip up, and then boom, suddenly your forevermore viewed as that guy

 

[faustianspirit]

I used to think nt pill is shit and cope this changed my opinion even gl guys like you suffer from being nd.
thankfully I'm nt

NT is much more important than looks to live a “normal” life. Nobody wants to admit this sadly.

 

[Narroworbits]

beautifully written post

I feel that I can relate to this kinds of issues you’re struggling with, at least in the general sense.

I wouldn’t say that I have autism or any kind of flatness, if anything I am an overwhelmingly emotional and unstable person. I feel like I’m crying inside all of the time, yet no tears come to my eye. I fall in love with any woman who treats me like a human and become so attached that it feels like not speaking to them for a day is tearing my soul apart. Yet they never care about me. They either use me for attention or just drop me once I get hooked on them.

I can understand when I’m doing the “wrong” thing socially, and would even say I have some intuition for social interactions developed mostly by watching them go on, yet my own over-emotionality prevents me from acting normal. I get so worked up about things, so upset, so full of self hatred. If there’s any sense of negativity towards me I shut down and start fantasizing about killing myself, even something as simple as a vomit react on here can cause this.

nobody wants to fix me though

im not worth it

i never will be

Well written but I dropped a vomit react for posterity

 

[sub5outsider]

people connect to each other easily and natural i was never able to achieve that i always felt like im not from this planet

 

[Panzram]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

Reminds me of my brother (i am normal by comparison lol), but he never articulates any of that, just suffers in silence, a true autist. Fuck my old autistic dead father, may he rot in hell for spawing three incel autists and dying before he can despair seeing the failiure his sons are.

 

[Snicket]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

Do you think all this rumination makes things worse though?
A lot of people who have every right to complain about their lives are quite content without all the introspection!