i'm not lonely, I'm fundamentally unfit for connection

[Orc]

Do you think all this rumination makes things worse though?
A lot of people who have every right to complain about their lives are quite content without all the introspection!

this shit stays in my head until i write it down sadly

 

[Snicket]

this shit stays in my head until i write it down sadly

Writing can be cathartic.
Used to be for me but not so much anymore.

 

[Survivor]

 

[Hernan]

same old same old

hallo mede rotter.

 

[wollet2]

you can be loved a bit by other autistic incels is that not enough

 

[Loveland]

they're not the cuddly type

View attachment 3709027


sadly, wasn't my choice

That sucks man :/

 

[Hexmask]

I feel really bad for you, cause judging by your posts you seem like a good guy. I too, struggle with social issues maybe not pertaining specifically to what you have but was picked on growing up for the way I looked and now that has made detriments to my personality. So despite being better looking, the personality doesn't match. I try to compensate by continuing to look better but deep down I know NTpill is always there and one of the most important pills to swallow.

I currently have selank a BDNF nootropic peptide on the way, that supposedly has very good anxiolytic effects. I tried semax(its brother peptide more so for dopaminergic signaling) one time of a sample I had and remember socializing felt so easy. I knew all the right things to do and say. These are commonly prescribed in Russia. I'm sure you being a roidcel are aware of these, however. Good luck to you man. You are not alone.

 

[mandiblade]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

This is genuinely sad. I've seen your other post about this a few weeks ago. Have you tried to use any pro-socialization compounds and try to slowly build up social experience? If you did any felt bogged down by your past, maybe use low-inhib compounds? Idk man I'm sorry for you

 

[Orc]

This is genuinely sad. I've seen your other post about this a few weeks ago. Have you tried to use any pro-socialization compounds and try to slowly build up social experience? If you did any felt bogged down by your past, maybe use low-inhib compounds? Idk man I'm sorry for you

i have no issues talking to people i like the issue is that i just dont like anyone

 

[Willmogulater]

50 mg baclofen
Or
300 mg pregabalin
Or
Alcohol

Then go outside

 

[OnlyWs]

I relate to this, was like this until a couple years ago. What helped me was realising I was stuck in functional freeze, went to a clinical psychologist speciliazed in trauma who taught me how to to regulate my nervous system to a healthy level. This changed my mood and emotional states. The body keeps the score is a great book on this.

 

[Orc]

I relate to this, was like this until a couple years ago. What helped me was realising I was stuck in functional freeze, went to a clinical psychologist speciliazed in trauma who taught me how to to regulate my nervous system to a healthy level. This changed my mood and emotional states. The body keeps the score is a great book on this.

all therapists ever did was make me more mentally ill

 

[wall]

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

I think you try too hard. You don't like yourself. Stop valuing others' opinions over your own.

How to make people like you:
- Proximity
- Act like you're interested and make them feel special.
- Ask people questions and let them talk.

How to gain connections:
- Have similar interests.
- Hate the same people
- Have the same addictions (jk don't do this but it works)

Why do you think all the art kids were friends in school and all the vapers were friends. They relate because they share an addiction. Art kids get bullied for being weird. So, they all hate the same people, the people who bully them for being weird.

Make friends with other autists

 

[OnlyWs]

all therapists ever did was make me more mentally ill

Same but a clinical psychologist specilized in trauma is not a therapist. But I agree therapists made it worse for me too.

 

[alexander57]

I can relate to every one of your posts , it's like you're telling the story of my life. It's so brutal, especially for autistcels like us. I can't cope lately, i literally cried after i finished reading your post

 

[AspiringMogger]

Most surprising thing about reading this thread is that you’re a homosexual. Crazy lore I’ve missed out on JFL.

Anyways; once you’ve come to term with the fact that no one is obliged to do anything, you will be set free. The way society is set up, there is no incentive to be an honourable person, have integrity, or aspire to do what’s ethically and morally right. People do what they can to get out of their obligations as soon as they turn the tiniest bit unfavourable. This is why sociopaths do well in society, because they are completely unfazed by the link between the actions and the result.

Society imploded when honour killed the samurai.

 

[Gengar]

i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

Come to Rotterdam. I’ll figure it out for you, what this thing is that you’re unable to name.

 

[Indracelly]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

I’m in a similar position, if I was able to connect with people easily I would’ve never wasted my life on this forum

people just don’t vibe with me even on the internet

 

[Orc]

I think you try too hard. You don't like yourself. Stop valuing others' opinions over your own.

How to make people like you:
- Proximity
- Act like you're interested and make them feel special.
- Ask people questions and let them talk.

How to gain connections:
- Have similar interests.
- Hate the same people
- Have the same addictions (jk don't do this but it works)

Why do you think all the art kids were friends in school and all the vapers were friends. They relate because they share an addiction. Art kids get bullied for being weird. So, they all hate the same people, the people who bully them for being weird.

Make friends with other autists

i don't get along with other autistic people

 

[esoterik]

there is nothing more sad than seeing people your age and younger having a connection with their partner, the sadder part is, imagining how the love feeling feel

 

[esoterik]

@Orc were you like this in highschool? i just graduated and i was just like this through highschool, i couldn't even talk to women, my friend had to ask my oneitis for me which was a rejection after getting to know each other, i had few few friends in general

its much much more brutal in highschool considering this is the prime years for connection

 

[Orc]

@Orc were you like this in highschool? i just graduated and i was just like this through highschool, i couldn't even talk to women, my friend had to ask my oneitis for me which was a rejection after getting to know each other, i had few few friends in general

its much much more brutal in highschool considering this is the prime years for connection

no i was very popular around that age and actually had a lot of friends/partners (which I regret)

 

[Zures]

no i was very popular around that age and actually had a lot of friends/partners (which I regret)

why do you regret having lots of friends in the past? was it because you were forcing yourself to be friends with them? using that "mask" you said you used to?

 

[Orc]

why do you regret having lots of friends in the past? was it because you were forcing yourself to be friends with them? using that "mask" you said you used to?

they just manipulated me into being with them i didn't actually like them at all there was no connection

 

[ilovekolaches]

I relate to this

 

[nofap]

they just manipulated me into being with them i didn't actually like them at all there was no connection

First 3 paragraphs of this thread sound exactly like me and describe my life man, it’s something i could have written myself if it wasn’t for my piss poor English.

I actually also never liked anybody I hung out with or was friends with, i haven’t been able to make a genuine connection with anybody in my life. Even if it felt like there was a connection for the other person there wasn’t one for me, i feel like alien 99% of the time.

There have been multiple instances were women wanted to meetup again after the 1st date because they liked it, and me being baffled they wanted to see me again. because in my eyes there wasn’t anything that we connected with or on and me being uncomfortable during it all and wanting to leave the whole time feeling like death from the inside.

 

[Bitchwhipper2]

Nigga got dumped by their boyfriend

 

[incel-at-heart]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

I'll be your friend, and if you ever become "weird", I will explain to you in great detail what's weird and why. I will be 100% analytical and un-emotionally transparent.

Interested?

 

[deadstock]

Damn

 

[Klasik616]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

I will make this post in 10 years probably
I'm unable to make people laugh

 

[AverageCurryEnjoyer]

honestly i haven't been able to get much gardening done in like a year before i met him i was already depressed and it was the only thing motivating me

him?

 

[AverageCurryEnjoyer]

Damn this is very close to what I experience

You could say I “have the circuitry” for being NT. I can carry conversations, read a room, can understand split second facial expressions, etc. Fold into other people’s lives as @Orc puts it.

It’s just the god damn never ending tsunami of anxiety, paranoia, obsessive compulsive neuroticism, and more that constantly fucks me over. It’s like I can see the well worn NT dirt pathway dead head, and simultaneously know how to walk it, but there’s strong gusts of wind that keep billowing into me relentlessly.

I can mask the urges for a while, but inevitably I have to indulge at some point to release the pressure. Let the winds blow me off the path for a bit, to force the metaphor.

And that’s what’s so brutal about it all. You can fraud and mask for an entire lifetime, but all it takes is one momentary slip up, and then boom, suddenly your forevermore viewed as that guy

avidly put my thoughts as words. Thanks

 

[AverageCurryEnjoyer]

They made it look so easy, connecting with another human being. Its almost like they were never told, it was the hardest thing to do.

 

[Orc]

him?

well I'm single again so not him anymore.

 

[Skull Based Sage]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

You have depth, something the overwhelming majority of people don’t have. You also weirdly remind me of Ludwig Wittgenstein who used to masturbate to math equations while in a World War I trench, he was severely autistic and was clinically depressed his entire life (I’m saying this in the best way possible). Anyway, the essence of this is that your failure in social relationships and communication do not determine your worth or value. And I’m not gonna sugarcoat this horrible reality and tell you that it gets better to sell you a dose of false hope but I can say with 100% certainty that you’re authentic and genuine

 

[AverageCurryEnjoyer]

well I'm single again so not him anymore.

never knew you were gay

 

[Orc]

never knew you were gay

me neither.

 

[AverageCurryEnjoyer]

me neither.

good luck bhai. Im rooting for you. Ntpill is brutal

 

[Napoleon1800]

i think i've spent my entire life watching other people connect from behind a wall i can't name, i see them laugh, click, fold into each other's lives like it's the most natural thing in the world, and i stand outside it, always outside it

i'm autistic, i'm not cute autistic, i'm not quirky or endearing, i'm the kind that makes people uncomfortable without knowing why, the kind that gets left on read, the kind that makes rooms go silent just by existing in them wrong, there's something about me that people instinctively avoid, i've never been able to name it, i just know it's there

every attempt i've made to get close to someone has ended the same way, with them pulling away, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once, i've learned to expect it, it's not even surprising anymore, just a dull ache that keeps getting heavier each time, like carrying a bag full of things you can't throw away

even online, where everyone says it's easier, i don't belong, i can fake it for a while, craft posts, mimic tone, try to be digestible, but there's always a point where the mask slips, and they see it, the intensity, the flatness, the realism that sounds like negativity, the way i talk about loneliness like it's weather, something permanent, and people don't want to hear it, not really, even in places that claim to be inclusive, you still have to fit in

i don't, i never have, i've been alone for so long it doesn't even feel like a state anymore, it feels like part of me, like it's stitched into the way i speak, the way i look at people, the way i brace for distance even before it happens

i don't know what it feels like to be truly understood, i don't know what it's like to have someone want me around without trying to fix or manage or tolerate me, i've only ever been the burden, the awkward pause, the quiet background character people are relieved to forget

and it's not just that i don't have friends, it's that i don't know how to be someone people can love

i've studied how others do it, i've watched them weave inside jokes, light touches, shared silence that feels warm instead of strained, i've tried to imitate the rhythm of it, but it always falls flat, it always feels like i'm reciting lines from a play i never got to rehearse

they say connection is about being authentic, but my authenticity pushes people away, it's too much, too sharp, too sad, too something i can't turn off

so i dilute it, trim the edges, try to make myself smaller, less inconvenient, more likable, but it doesn't work, it just feels like lying, and even then, they still leave

sometimes i wonder if there's a version of me that could have been loved, if things were different, if i had a softer brain, a more readable face, a voice that didn't make people shift uncomfortably when i speak about how quiet everything feels inside

but that version doesn't exist, only this one does, and i've spent so long being this that i can't imagine being anything else

i don't want to be fixed, i just want to not feel like a mistake every time i'm around others, i want to be seen and not flinched away from, i want the silence around me to mean peace instead of absence

but most of all, i just want to not be so alone all the time.

Brutal man. Even though we are years apart in age, I can relate. Seeing how others do it so naturally, with friendship groups and girls, everything seems to please everyone, everyone laughs and it works like a smooth system, yet you can never do it, even when you try and copy them or be as much as you can like them, they can sniff you out for being different, and you many times you can’t even tell what it was that gave you away