Norm Macdonald
Out here in the fields
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2024
- Posts
- 5,388
- Reputation
- 10,135
i fucking hate the way my eyes look in every goddamn mirror
every selfie i zoom in on my single eyelid and want to smash the phone
spent real money—thousands—trying to fix the shit my parents cursed me with
then i see these confident monolid zoomer dudes owning it and i feel like a defective model from last decade
mom facetimes me blasting tagalog at max volume
i drop my voice to a whisper, switch to shitty english, whole body cringes like i’m allergic
ashamed of the language that literally raised me
disgusted by the sound of my own fucking childhood
see other asian guys being loud as hell in public and my brain still goes
“bro shut the fuck up you’re embarrassing all of us”
meanwhile i’ve been tiptoeing around like a ghost for 15 years
hate them for being free. hate myself ten times more for being the coward who can’t
never had a girlfriend. never even came close
every time i swipe right i already know it’s pointless
“asian male” on the profile is basically a death sentence
i tell myself it’s the height, the face, the vibe, the everything
but deep down i know the asian part is doing most of the killing
and i hate that part of me the most
still do the ranking in my head every single day
“at least i’m not that dark”
“at least my nose isn’t completely flat”
“at least my accent is barely there”
turned my own blood into a goddamn tier list and ranked myself dead last anyway
every time some filipino/chinese/korean dude blows up online—loud, tacky shirts, thick accent, pulling girls left and right
that sour jealous-superior cocktail hits harder than ever
“good for you but i could never stoop that low”
bitch you’re not stooping you’re just rotting in place forever
27 years old and i still flinch when someone says my full government name the right way
too ethnic. too real. too much like the little boy who was never gonna be wanted anyway
tried therapy.
shrink asked why i think being “more white” would actually get me anywhere
i said “it wouldn’t”
then sobbed for the rest of the hour because we both knew i’ve been blackpilled on my own face since puberty
i’m not recovering
i’m not healing
i’m not “reconnecting with my roots” or any of that instagram cope
i’m just a walking self-rejection simulator that’s been running for twenty years
and the hate is still winning by default
so if you’re another self-hating SEA or east asian dude reading this at 2am
lights off so your family doesn’t catch you doomscrolling while crying over your own reflection
know i’m in the same shitty trench with you
still losing. still revolted. still untouched. still here.
fuck everything about this.
goodnight. or whatever.
every selfie i zoom in on my single eyelid and want to smash the phone
spent real money—thousands—trying to fix the shit my parents cursed me with
then i see these confident monolid zoomer dudes owning it and i feel like a defective model from last decade
mom facetimes me blasting tagalog at max volume
i drop my voice to a whisper, switch to shitty english, whole body cringes like i’m allergic
ashamed of the language that literally raised me
disgusted by the sound of my own fucking childhood
see other asian guys being loud as hell in public and my brain still goes
“bro shut the fuck up you’re embarrassing all of us”
meanwhile i’ve been tiptoeing around like a ghost for 15 years
hate them for being free. hate myself ten times more for being the coward who can’t
never had a girlfriend. never even came close
every time i swipe right i already know it’s pointless
“asian male” on the profile is basically a death sentence
i tell myself it’s the height, the face, the vibe, the everything
but deep down i know the asian part is doing most of the killing
and i hate that part of me the most
still do the ranking in my head every single day
“at least i’m not that dark”
“at least my nose isn’t completely flat”
“at least my accent is barely there”
turned my own blood into a goddamn tier list and ranked myself dead last anyway
every time some filipino/chinese/korean dude blows up online—loud, tacky shirts, thick accent, pulling girls left and right
that sour jealous-superior cocktail hits harder than ever
“good for you but i could never stoop that low”
bitch you’re not stooping you’re just rotting in place forever
27 years old and i still flinch when someone says my full government name the right way
too ethnic. too real. too much like the little boy who was never gonna be wanted anyway
tried therapy.
shrink asked why i think being “more white” would actually get me anywhere
i said “it wouldn’t”
then sobbed for the rest of the hour because we both knew i’ve been blackpilled on my own face since puberty
i’m not recovering
i’m not healing
i’m not “reconnecting with my roots” or any of that instagram cope
i’m just a walking self-rejection simulator that’s been running for twenty years
and the hate is still winning by default
so if you’re another self-hating SEA or east asian dude reading this at 2am
lights off so your family doesn’t catch you doomscrolling while crying over your own reflection
know i’m in the same shitty trench with you
still losing. still revolted. still untouched. still here.
fuck everything about this.
goodnight. or whatever.
)
