ihateevb
Burn the hay to find the needle
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2025
- Posts
- 4,417
- Reputation
- 5,460
There are moments that split your life into a before and an after. Last week was one of them.
It started with blood running down my face after a cut to my head that had to be glued shut. I remember lying on the cold ground, hearing everything around me, and feeling years of being called weak come crashing back into my head. I remembered what I had been told growing up. I remembered every time I questioned whether I was enough.
Something inside me refused to stay on that ground.
When I stood back up, I wasn't thinking clearly anymore. I wasn't trying to prove anything to the people watching. I was trying to silence that voice inside me that kept telling me I was weak. Everything became about surviving and refusing to be broken again.
There is one image I can't get out of my head. I remember seeing his eyes roll back, and even now that moment comes back to me. It wasn't a victory. It wasn't satisfying. It was the moment I realized how close anger can bring a person to a place they never imagined they'd reach.
That is why I have two emotions that don't seem to fit together. I'm proud because I finally know I am not helpless. I know I can stand my ground. I know I won't simply accept being walked over anymore.
But I'm also disgusted, because I saw a part of myself that I never wanted to meet. I don't want violence to become the measure of who I am. I don't want my worth to depend on how much damage I can do.
The truth is, none of this was really about that man. It was about a war I'd been fighting inside myself for years. I wanted to become someone the people I love could count on, especially my girlfriend. She's the person I think about when I picture the future. She's the reason I want to be strong.
What I'm still trying to understand is that strength isn't just the ability to keep fighting. It's also the ability to keep control of yourself when every part of you wants to let go of it.
I'm still carrying that night with me. I don't regret refusing to stay down. But I do hope that if I'm ever tested again, I can protect the people I love without losing myself in the process. That's the man I want to become.
Dont be a stepping stone.
Tags: @mohito @low ltn
It started with blood running down my face after a cut to my head that had to be glued shut. I remember lying on the cold ground, hearing everything around me, and feeling years of being called weak come crashing back into my head. I remembered what I had been told growing up. I remembered every time I questioned whether I was enough.
Something inside me refused to stay on that ground.
When I stood back up, I wasn't thinking clearly anymore. I wasn't trying to prove anything to the people watching. I was trying to silence that voice inside me that kept telling me I was weak. Everything became about surviving and refusing to be broken again.
There is one image I can't get out of my head. I remember seeing his eyes roll back, and even now that moment comes back to me. It wasn't a victory. It wasn't satisfying. It was the moment I realized how close anger can bring a person to a place they never imagined they'd reach.
That is why I have two emotions that don't seem to fit together. I'm proud because I finally know I am not helpless. I know I can stand my ground. I know I won't simply accept being walked over anymore.
But I'm also disgusted, because I saw a part of myself that I never wanted to meet. I don't want violence to become the measure of who I am. I don't want my worth to depend on how much damage I can do.
The truth is, none of this was really about that man. It was about a war I'd been fighting inside myself for years. I wanted to become someone the people I love could count on, especially my girlfriend. She's the person I think about when I picture the future. She's the reason I want to be strong.
What I'm still trying to understand is that strength isn't just the ability to keep fighting. It's also the ability to keep control of yourself when every part of you wants to let go of it.
I'm still carrying that night with me. I don't regret refusing to stay down. But I do hope that if I'm ever tested again, I can protect the people I love without losing myself in the process. That's the man I want to become.
Dont be a stepping stone.
Tags: @mohito @low ltn
