AlexAP
Fuchsia
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2020
- Posts
- 14,157
- Reputation
- 29,698
Our dad died a year ago, and our mom recently told my sister and me that she cheated on him for the last 10 years of their marriage. I don’t think our dad ever knew; he wore his heart on his sleeve, so he couldn’t have hidden that sort of thing.
My sister and I had wildly different reactions to this information. My sister is horrified and accused my mother of never having loved him. I had a different take. Our mom says that she loved our dad and being with him romantically (living together, raising a family, intimate kisses, etc.), but that he wasn’t the best sex of her life. So she cheated. But she made sure he never found out. And my mom and dad still slept together, because she knew that he enjoyed having sex with her and loved her body (and the sex was good for her, even if not the best).
I don’t feel that it makes sense to be mad at my mom for the infidelity. It’s true that she didn’t want to be with him in that “I only want you” way, but she loved him enough to make him feel as if she did. If from his point of view it was a perfect relationship and he died happy, does it really matter that he didn’t know all the details?
I feel I am missing something in not being upset at my mother. To be clear, I don’t think she should have told us, because there was no reason to. But I am trying to think about whether the infidelity itself was wrong, because the fact that my sister and I see things differently is driving a wedge between us.
Not from Reddit btw.
www.nytimes.com
My sister and I had wildly different reactions to this information. My sister is horrified and accused my mother of never having loved him. I had a different take. Our mom says that she loved our dad and being with him romantically (living together, raising a family, intimate kisses, etc.), but that he wasn’t the best sex of her life. So she cheated. But she made sure he never found out. And my mom and dad still slept together, because she knew that he enjoyed having sex with her and loved her body (and the sex was good for her, even if not the best).
I don’t feel that it makes sense to be mad at my mom for the infidelity. It’s true that she didn’t want to be with him in that “I only want you” way, but she loved him enough to make him feel as if she did. If from his point of view it was a perfect relationship and he died happy, does it really matter that he didn’t know all the details?
I feel I am missing something in not being upset at my mother. To be clear, I don’t think she should have told us, because there was no reason to. But I am trying to think about whether the infidelity itself was wrong, because the fact that my sister and I see things differently is driving a wedge between us.
Not from Reddit btw.
Is It OK That I’m OK With Our Mom’s Adultery?
The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on when disclosing a secret is a betrayal — and more.
