Is this concerning?

[sørenyuko]

i literally cant even bring myself to remember a social memory or recall a fully fledged person i know, i dont have a framework to look at it from.

i havent had any friends since i was 12 years old and havent talked to anyone my age ever since, i dont talk to any of my family members seriously.

i did have lots of friends in that window before i started being isolated and we had sleepovers every week, everyone came to my birthday parties vice versa, i fit in and was a real participant in the circles.

then it dropped down to absolutely nothing at all just like that when they moved out and i switched schools.

i cant properly remember if i liked it or not back then even, i had lots of moments where i felt annoyed and wished they never talked to me again, or that i dont have to see them, thoughts that theyre predictable, boring and useless, wanting to tell them to fuck off and walking away into freedom.

it just happened day by day idk why

now i write fictional scenarios about my perfectly frictionless life where im scooped up into a nurtured with a carefully constructed timeline throughout my life and network where they make sure i get all developemental milestones with a shielded path and utmost respect, i can do whatever i want and they still love me thinking its just my adorable little quirks that make me.

if i cant have that for real it's probably not even worth participating in for me

I think im gonna choose to not subject myself to the unoptimized version available out there at all

theyre not even some wild unrealistic fantasies, my fantasy is literally just existing in the same room together, even the arguments and bad days, stuff as mundane as cleaning a stain off my shirt together, only distinction with my fantasy characters in my notebook is we fall asleep together wrapped around eachother at the end of the day and theyre safely frozen when im gone and have no free will outside my script where i dictate their inner thoughts and theyre 100% pure devoted pleasure objects for me.

then i imagine my mattress, my pillows and my blanket are living beings holding me and get overwhelming sensory joy and weightless peaceful feelings.

 

[Mai Sakurajima.]

i literally cant even bring myself to remember a social memory or recall a fully fledged person i know, i dont have any framework to look at it from

i havent had any friends since i was 12 years old and havent talked to anyone my age ever since, i dont talk to any of my family members seriously

i did have lots of friends in that window before i started being isolated and we had sleepovers every week, everyone came to my birthday parties vice versa, then it dropped down to absolutely nothing at all just like that when they moved out and i switched schools

i cant properly remember if i liked it or not back then even, i had lots of moments where i felt annoyed and wished they never talked to me again, or that i dont have to see them, thoughts that theyre predictable, boring and useless, wanting to tell them to fuck off and walking away into freedom

it just happened day by day idk why

now i write fictional scenarios about my perfectly frictionless life where im scooped up into a nurtured with a carefully constructed timeline throughout my lifr and network where they make sure i get all developemental milestones with a shielded path and utmost respect, i can do whatever i want and they still love me thinking its just my adorable little quirks

theyre not even some wild unrealistic fantasies, my fantasy is literally just existing in the same room together, even the arguments and bad days, only distinction with my fantasy characters in my notebook is we fall asleep together wrapped around eachother at the end of the day and theyre safely frozen when im gone and have no free will outside my script where i dictate their inner thoughts and theyre 100% pure devoted pleasure objects for me

then i imagine my mattress, my pillows and my blanket are living beings holding me and get overwhelming sensory joy and weightless peaceful feelings.

No you’re just special