J_Lacks_PSL
Iron
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2025
- Posts
- 43
- Reputation
- 25
I can’t take it anymore
I’m on vacation, and during the entire trip, there has been this other family at my hotel. They are healthy, lean, and genetically blessed. Especially the 2 sons. They are both at least 6ft or 6’2, towering over me. They also have wide clavicles and small waists, of course.
For a second I catch myself staring at them, as they sit down to enjoy their dinner. I feel envious of their looks, but what upsets me the most is not just their appearances. It’s how genetically lucky they BOTH got. They look nothing like their ltn dad facially, but of course have his exact frame (strikingly good). They have naturally texturized hair, lhtn bases (at least) and phenomenal bones. The older brother especially has crazy cheekbones, good overall craniofascial projection and, of course, 0 hyoid visibility.
Meanwhile, im sitting in the corner of the restaurant with my family, taking group pictures like a bunch of jesters. As my dad holds his phone up, I can’t help but stare at the other family behind him. Their faces. Their heights. Their health indicators. The thought of how easy life would be if only I looked like them. I sit quietly, avoiding my dad’s phone camera, discreetly covering my face. Hundreds of thoughts run around in my mind, fueled by hate and powered by my ADHD.
I get up from my chair, and enter the buffet line, attempting to distract myself from the never-ending train of thought encasing my consciousness. But I’m immediately reminded of my appearance, when I accidentally gaze into the reflection of my own face and body, standing awkwardly in a window. My neck tigthens up. I can’t speak. The man in front of me offers to hand me a plate, but I can only stick out my arms while making a subtle gulping noise in an attempt to get the words “thank you” out of my throat. I remain frozen, despite my body autonomously serving myself.
After finishing dinner, I leave as soon as possible, heading straight to my room. I’m shaking, filled to the brim with jealousy, agony and rage. Upon entering my room, I head straight to the couch, not even bothering to turn on the lights. I sit silently, fighting all the tears built up in my eyes. For a moment, I feel under control, but I accidentally click on a notification, opening SnapChat on my phone. I feel nauseous. As soon as I see myself, the tears start. My face warps into an ugly mess. I cry, and cry, and cry. I feel weak, pathetic and hopeless. The thoughts of suicide return. Stronger than ever. I look through the family gallery on my phone, wondering how I could ever have turned out this bad. I see my cousins, both younger than me. Instantly mogged. I see my brother who is half a foot taller than me. Instantly mogged. Even my <8 year old sister. Instantly mogged. I’m silent.
I look up at the sky, begging God for answers. Why me? Every part if my life has felt like a punishment. The bullying. My neurodivergency. My face. My recession. My frame. My height. I apologize to whatever divine entity that has put me in this pathetic vessel, because surely, I must have done something horrible in a past life. I feel lost. I think about how nice I was, especially as a kid, I think about how much I tried to satisfy and implement God into my life, I think about every time I tried to help others, even when they didn’t as much as look in my direction before I gave them a part of me. I feel… confused. Lost. At a loss of words.
There’s more, but for now, this is all I can get myself to share right now.
I’m on vacation, and during the entire trip, there has been this other family at my hotel. They are healthy, lean, and genetically blessed. Especially the 2 sons. They are both at least 6ft or 6’2, towering over me. They also have wide clavicles and small waists, of course.
For a second I catch myself staring at them, as they sit down to enjoy their dinner. I feel envious of their looks, but what upsets me the most is not just their appearances. It’s how genetically lucky they BOTH got. They look nothing like their ltn dad facially, but of course have his exact frame (strikingly good). They have naturally texturized hair, lhtn bases (at least) and phenomenal bones. The older brother especially has crazy cheekbones, good overall craniofascial projection and, of course, 0 hyoid visibility.
Meanwhile, im sitting in the corner of the restaurant with my family, taking group pictures like a bunch of jesters. As my dad holds his phone up, I can’t help but stare at the other family behind him. Their faces. Their heights. Their health indicators. The thought of how easy life would be if only I looked like them. I sit quietly, avoiding my dad’s phone camera, discreetly covering my face. Hundreds of thoughts run around in my mind, fueled by hate and powered by my ADHD.
I get up from my chair, and enter the buffet line, attempting to distract myself from the never-ending train of thought encasing my consciousness. But I’m immediately reminded of my appearance, when I accidentally gaze into the reflection of my own face and body, standing awkwardly in a window. My neck tigthens up. I can’t speak. The man in front of me offers to hand me a plate, but I can only stick out my arms while making a subtle gulping noise in an attempt to get the words “thank you” out of my throat. I remain frozen, despite my body autonomously serving myself.
After finishing dinner, I leave as soon as possible, heading straight to my room. I’m shaking, filled to the brim with jealousy, agony and rage. Upon entering my room, I head straight to the couch, not even bothering to turn on the lights. I sit silently, fighting all the tears built up in my eyes. For a moment, I feel under control, but I accidentally click on a notification, opening SnapChat on my phone. I feel nauseous. As soon as I see myself, the tears start. My face warps into an ugly mess. I cry, and cry, and cry. I feel weak, pathetic and hopeless. The thoughts of suicide return. Stronger than ever. I look through the family gallery on my phone, wondering how I could ever have turned out this bad. I see my cousins, both younger than me. Instantly mogged. I see my brother who is half a foot taller than me. Instantly mogged. Even my <8 year old sister. Instantly mogged. I’m silent.
I look up at the sky, begging God for answers. Why me? Every part if my life has felt like a punishment. The bullying. My neurodivergency. My face. My recession. My frame. My height. I apologize to whatever divine entity that has put me in this pathetic vessel, because surely, I must have done something horrible in a past life. I feel lost. I think about how nice I was, especially as a kid, I think about how much I tried to satisfy and implement God into my life, I think about every time I tried to help others, even when they didn’t as much as look in my direction before I gave them a part of me. I feel… confused. Lost. At a loss of words.
There’s more, but for now, this is all I can get myself to share right now.
