reborn
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- Aug 12, 2018
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Turning 40 soon....Looking back at my life I hate myself for having thrown most of it in the trash. I am not even particularly ugly. I guess I am kind of average. But I have always been a nerd. I never enjoyed spending time with others too much. I preferred to play vidya at home alone. I am probably an autist. I did some self diagnosis tests that said I am more autistic than the average autist. Then I got a massive depression which took about another 10 years to overcome. Then building up a life again took another 5 years. I have to say my parents were heroin addicts and when I was born they were in a clinic doing rehab. They could not really help me develop myself. I had to figure out everything myself and it took long.
And here I am. 40 years old. A virgin. It fucking sucks so hard. Most of the time I am getting along. I have a good job and found a few friends. But there are things that just trigger me and then it really hurts. Like today I saw that movie of Jennifer Connelly when she was 21. It was not even a good movie but to see this young sexy girl totally made me feel what I lost. I mean back when I was young girls like that never looked at me anyway so I guess even if I had not been a mental freak back then I would still never have had a chance with girls like that. But at least I could have tried to make sure.
It's so fucking over It never even began.
And here I am. 40 years old. A virgin. It fucking sucks so hard. Most of the time I am getting along. I have a good job and found a few friends. But there are things that just trigger me and then it really hurts. Like today I saw that movie of Jennifer Connelly when she was 21. It was not even a good movie but to see this young sexy girl totally made me feel what I lost. I mean back when I was young girls like that never looked at me anyway so I guess even if I had not been a mental freak back then I would still never have had a chance with girls like that. But at least I could have tried to make sure.
It's so fucking over It never even began.