hax
esoteric prob
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2025
- Posts
- 490
- Reputation
- 647
favorite song atm (dnr fest but i want this written down)
I'm too broke, undeveloped and genetically inferior to continue chasing a hyper masculine appearance.
It's finished for me overall, the only way i could get out of there is if my parents helped me for once but they physically and mentally drag me down every time, like if they gave birth to me just to suffer.
All the knowledge I’ve gathered over the years in hopes to improve now feels useless as my parents restrictions prevent me from applying any of it. It stings to know that the opportunity to hypothetically ascend is within my reach but remains out of grasp, all because of two fucking people. Every second tick of the day is like a knife cutting deeper and deeper in my throat, reminding me that if i had a different surrounding, i could've at least tried.
Up until now, carrying this information has not only ruined my self portrait and my internet persona but also severely impacted my mental health, knowing there is no going back nor forgiveness.
The amount of effort to reach noticeable male dysmorphism change is completely out of my league now, i don't feel good in my own skin and I've had suicidal thoughts for the past 4-5 years (3 of them mostly because of my appearance) which got me to see psychiatrists really often, i want to escape and run away freely, do what i want as i want when i want as long as there is still time, that's the same thoughts cycling through my head every single night i get to experience, forcing me to megadose melatonin sometimes to not let them get the chance to get to me.
This paired with my unhealthy obsession towards modeling or working into fashion obviously isn't helping the case either.
I therefore believe that chasing a more feminine appearance would be significantly easier and healthier, not to the point of being compared to femboys but enough to question my gender. I know this will get me a lot of hate online as well as in real life, i might lose some fake friend's reliability but i doubt the majority understands the situation, most might look way worse than me but at least they have the option to cope and try things out. Unfortunately, things did not work out for me and i did not get this free trial, leading me to make the decision of quitting to chase the slight possibility of getting the option to one day ascend.
I always wanted to be myself and i don't really care about what people think of me so switching won't be a major problem, it's more of seeing my prior most wished upon dream i worked for crumble to dust, having to endure my reflection knowing nothing will ever change.
I will still be chasing money to instantly run a brutal cycle once i live alone or even convince my friend to pin in school but for now i'm obliged to accept my fate and adapt to my situation.
I'm too broke, undeveloped and genetically inferior to continue chasing a hyper masculine appearance.
It's finished for me overall, the only way i could get out of there is if my parents helped me for once but they physically and mentally drag me down every time, like if they gave birth to me just to suffer.
All the knowledge I’ve gathered over the years in hopes to improve now feels useless as my parents restrictions prevent me from applying any of it. It stings to know that the opportunity to hypothetically ascend is within my reach but remains out of grasp, all because of two fucking people. Every second tick of the day is like a knife cutting deeper and deeper in my throat, reminding me that if i had a different surrounding, i could've at least tried.
Up until now, carrying this information has not only ruined my self portrait and my internet persona but also severely impacted my mental health, knowing there is no going back nor forgiveness.
The amount of effort to reach noticeable male dysmorphism change is completely out of my league now, i don't feel good in my own skin and I've had suicidal thoughts for the past 4-5 years (3 of them mostly because of my appearance) which got me to see psychiatrists really often, i want to escape and run away freely, do what i want as i want when i want as long as there is still time, that's the same thoughts cycling through my head every single night i get to experience, forcing me to megadose melatonin sometimes to not let them get the chance to get to me.
This paired with my unhealthy obsession towards modeling or working into fashion obviously isn't helping the case either.
I therefore believe that chasing a more feminine appearance would be significantly easier and healthier, not to the point of being compared to femboys but enough to question my gender. I know this will get me a lot of hate online as well as in real life, i might lose some fake friend's reliability but i doubt the majority understands the situation, most might look way worse than me but at least they have the option to cope and try things out. Unfortunately, things did not work out for me and i did not get this free trial, leading me to make the decision of quitting to chase the slight possibility of getting the option to one day ascend.
I always wanted to be myself and i don't really care about what people think of me so switching won't be a major problem, it's more of seeing my prior most wished upon dream i worked for crumble to dust, having to endure my reflection knowing nothing will ever change.
I will still be chasing money to instantly run a brutal cycle once i live alone or even convince my friend to pin in school but for now i'm obliged to accept my fate and adapt to my situation.
@i eat organs @Psocho @valentine @5foot8killa @faivc
