I’ve always felt what St. Hamudi described

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The feeling of being a BP jedi

It feels like being a ghost

Completely invisible, and already out of the equation before it even starts

Written out of the life you envisioned, thanks to decisions made by the universe decades ago

Eventually after you get hurt so many times you learn to start writing yourself off by habit, because then at least something is in your control, at least you are able to accept something.

That’s the essence

 

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There is nothing more choking and acrid than the realization that there are some things you can never change, no matter how many millions of hours of effort you put in, some things are meant to be a certain way by nature

 

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And you’re just expected to put on a show to cover for the bitter sense of humor fate has with you

 

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In the end copes are so destructive because they lead nowhere

What is life without growth?

A great stagnation

That’s not life, that’s death

Many more things you do are copes than you realize

 

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So that’s why when forces out of your control deny you the opportunities for growth, it feels so shit. There is no path for some people. Some people are handed a seive and given a river filled with gold, some people are handed a fork and given a pit of dirt. Nothing makes sense, but it does somehow.