Living with CPTSD/childhood trauma sucks

[sevensources]

Literally every day i have a battle to not off myself.

When I wake up - agony
When I go to work - flashbacks to childhood trauma
When I’m at work - flashbacks to extreme bullying
When I’m on the way back home - comparing myself to everyone who had a normal childhood
When I get home - thinking about how I’ll never be ok, I’ll always be that guy with ‘issues’

I literally give off bad vibes everywhere I go because of how much my mental/social development was stunted through severe abuse and trauma. I’m a broken man.

Has anyone else been traumatised (seriously) in childhood, how do you deal with it?

 

[Incellectually_Shy]

Has anyone else been traumatised (seriously) in childhood, how do you deal with it?

When I was a four-year-old, my parents and I lived in a duplex, where my father would hit Mother and damage the walls, resulting in holes near a wooden desk she used for sewing. I recall pouring soap in my eyes at this age to stop them from arguing(We were upstairs).

When we moved, my father would regularly come home and argue with Mother over anything he disliked. He broke the windows in our living room as well as the windows in our kitchen, he broke a "Leopard Statue", he broke our kitchen table, he broke plates, he threw Mother's computer and clothes into the garbage bin. He'd regularly pound on Mother's room door(Used for crafts). He'd yell at Mother as he was driving her to work.

One day, Mother was asked by my father to write a check, which she did. However, he was angry because she was drying off after a shower. This led him to shove her onto the floor(She was naked) and kick her legs repeatedly, which I was present for and saw. He also broke her fingers and cut her knuckles, injured her knees and kicked her abdomen. Our utilities were cut off three times due to failure to pay, and the result was living with my paternal grandparents for weeks at a time. On the day we moved in with my maternal grandparents, me and Mother sat in the dark since my father didn't pay the utility bill("Well, then leave"; he left the house after yelling, which I hid from).

I'll explain further once I...

 

[Deleted member 6128]

I'll explain further once I...

BROOOOTAL

 

[Incellectually_Shy]

I'll explain further once I...

Yes; my father would regularly batter Mother and break things. When angry, Mother would grab my stimming objects and shake them in my face while tightly grasping my neck. Mother moved into a separate apartment and stayed with relatives, at times. We also had to live with my paternal grandparents.

 

[Incellectually_Shy]

I couldn't understand social cues well in my first elementary school.

In my second school, I was insulted by other children daily. They insulted my glasses, kicked me(I spoke to the principal over a certain boy named Vincent). I'd give my food to other children who hardly interacted with me. My "friend" started spending time with NTs, leaving me to stroll the playground alone. A young White male started hitting me and pushed me into the snow shortly before I switched to home-schooling(Our teacher pulled him off).

There were children in my neighborhood, yet I couldn't socialize well with them. An older sibling of one of them started denigrating me as soon as I walked inside their home due to my anxious, autistic dissociation. They kicked me out, and I sat alone near my home.

I'll post more later.

 

[Deleted member 11126]

Literally every day i have a battle to not off myself.

When I wake up - agony
When I go to work - flashbacks to childhood trauma
When I’m at work - flashbacks to extreme bullying
When I’m on the way back home - comparing myself to everyone who had a normal childhood
When I get home - thinking about how I’ll never be ok, I’ll always be that guy with ‘issues’

I literally give off bad vibes everywhere I go because of how much my mental/social development was stunted through severe abuse and trauma. I’m a broken man.

Has anyone else been traumatised (seriously) in childhood, how do you deal with it?

I refused to talk from 8 to 10...

The internet unironically saved me because I was able to talk to people online and watching youtube allowed me to be somewhat normal.

If it were not for the internet being locked in my room all day would have driven me mad

 

[Deleted member 20131]

Have you ever researched Trauma Release Exercise? some psychiatrist types in America do this in combination with either THC, LSD/Psilocybin or Ketamine to release stored trauma in the muscles and fascia. Nutrient repletion would help as well. All mental ailments are made worse by the worsening of the condition (more trauma to store) and poor cognition from environmental damage - adds more trauma and any future trauma is experienced through a more traumatized lens (perspective) = trauma

compounding trauma

break the cycle, friend