hax
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"looksmaxxing" and its influence on my retardation
- i need people to understand this so they can stop asking me to do things i physically cannot do or fix by myself -
if you want to see my words, you can read the thread fully, if not, i put a tldr for each big part, just don't try to reply without completely reading "impulses (part 2)" completely
- i need people to understand this so they can stop asking me to do things i physically cannot do or fix by myself -
if you want to see my words, you can read the thread fully, if not, i put a tldr for each big part, just don't try to reply without completely reading "impulses (part 2)" completely
> this is a continuation/clarification to both of these threads:
1) https://looksmax.org/threads/dtd-edits-annihilated-my-mental-health.1889073/
2) https://looksmax.org/threads/im-a-piece-of-shit-retard.1890420/
tldr (context):
i grew up excluded and unable to relate to people in real life, so i found belonging in extreme looks-focused online communities where appearance is everything. over time, the community edits and the people behind them became my sense of safety, identity, and emotional stability, to the point where i feel removed from my natural environment without them.
for context, i grew up extremely excluded. i never really had the opportunity to socialize normally or build connections the way most people do. i did not have the looks, skills, hobbies or overall life direction to come remotely close to relating to others or engaging naturally in conversations.
because of that, i never properly learned how to express myself in real life. i did not feel understood and people made it clear they did not understand me either, such as my family and friends.
the internet became the only place where i could speak my mind freely without feeling restricted or judged. at first, i forced myself to follow trends just to make socializing easier, but then, eventually gave up on trying to fit into that and tried to find my own people.
naturally, i gravitated toward lm communities filled with people who felt like me; same insecurities, same obsessions, same problems. the more i shared, the more i felt understood. and the more they related, the safer i felt sharing even more.
regular self-improvement spaces like this forum never fully worked out for me. sure, there is some good advice, but most people here want balanced improvement, fixing dating issues, improving their looks as a side focus. my situation goes much, much deeper than that.
to me appearance is not a goal, it is everything, and that’s what the people i talked to perfectly understood. if you have seen those black and white satanic edits online, you know the aesthetic i am talking about.
i became fascinated by how these people obsess over every millimeter of bone, every angle, every measurement and how they refuse to stop at female gaze but proceed to go down the uncanny route. many of them do not care about school, normal life, or social development which i completely understand. they made edits of themselves/others, highly stylized and dramatic videos you can find in certain discord servers. watching them did not just entertain me. it felt comforting, familiar, safe. like home.
over time, i reached a point where i felt like i could not function without seeing those edits. when they are taken away, it feels like i am removed from my natural environment. seeing their faces repeatedly in those fast paced, chaotic edits gives me stability and safety. it feels like being surrounded by people who truly understand me. that is how everything started.
because of that, i never properly learned how to express myself in real life. i did not feel understood and people made it clear they did not understand me either, such as my family and friends.
the internet became the only place where i could speak my mind freely without feeling restricted or judged. at first, i forced myself to follow trends just to make socializing easier, but then, eventually gave up on trying to fit into that and tried to find my own people.
naturally, i gravitated toward lm communities filled with people who felt like me; same insecurities, same obsessions, same problems. the more i shared, the more i felt understood. and the more they related, the safer i felt sharing even more.
regular self-improvement spaces like this forum never fully worked out for me. sure, there is some good advice, but most people here want balanced improvement, fixing dating issues, improving their looks as a side focus. my situation goes much, much deeper than that.
to me appearance is not a goal, it is everything, and that’s what the people i talked to perfectly understood. if you have seen those black and white satanic edits online, you know the aesthetic i am talking about.
i became fascinated by how these people obsess over every millimeter of bone, every angle, every measurement and how they refuse to stop at female gaze but proceed to go down the uncanny route. many of them do not care about school, normal life, or social development which i completely understand. they made edits of themselves/others, highly stylized and dramatic videos you can find in certain discord servers. watching them did not just entertain me. it felt comforting, familiar, safe. like home.
over time, i reached a point where i felt like i could not function without seeing those edits. when they are taken away, it feels like i am removed from my natural environment. seeing their faces repeatedly in those fast paced, chaotic edits gives me stability and safety. it feels like being surrounded by people who truly understand me. that is how everything started.
tldr (impulses):
my attachment turned into compulsive, trigger-based impulses where i have to mimic specific movements from edits to relieve overwhelming internal tension. performing them gives intense relief and temporarily makes me feel mentally “reborn”, which then reinforces the cycle. medication dulls it but also makes me feel empty and purposeless.
the impulses themselves:
eventually, the attachment became compulsive. when i spend too much time in the real world, seperated from the forums, from the media in general, i start feeling progressively more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. i hyperventilate, i stress, and the only way to make that feeling disappear is to mimic the exact movements of someone i admire, almost like recreating a spiritual connection with them.
in one of my old threads (https://looksmax.org/threads/cant-stop-doing.1608176/#post-22925170), i talked about not being able to control my hands. looking back, i realized i was trying to connect with someone named sobhan by copying his exact movements from a video of him dancing:
i did this almost daily, sometimes for minutes at a time. it made me feel like myself again yet i still cannot fully explain why, i just knew i had to do it. if i did not, the tension would build under my skin. horrible thoughts would start forming inside my head including violent impulses toward anyone who dared to interrupt me. it feels like pressure building internally. if i do not release it, i explode.
it is not just dancing. it can be falling in a specific way, shaking my head uncontrollably, punching my own chin, different movements depending on whatever clips made it into the edit. the urge feels automatic, almost like a tic. the moment i perform it, the tension drops instantly. the relief is intense and, over time, it reinforces the behavior even more.
the pattern is always the same. a person i know and love, usually an edit or clip of him. pressure builds. the compulsion becomes overwhelming. i act. i get relief. then the cycle resets, and for a few minutes i feel mentally reborn.
i do not believe it is tourette’s because it is not random, it is triggered and obsession-driven. i have been mocked and labeled both online and in real life, but those labels do not fully describe what is happening.
at its core, it is isolation that led to attachment. attachment that became obsession. obsession that turned into compulsion. compulsion that brings relief. that relief is what keeps the loop alive. i have tried medication. antipsychotics are the only thing that seem to reduce it. the problem is they make me completely blank and emotionless. when that happens, i feel like i lose all sense of purpose.
eventually, the attachment became compulsive. when i spend too much time in the real world, seperated from the forums, from the media in general, i start feeling progressively more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. i hyperventilate, i stress, and the only way to make that feeling disappear is to mimic the exact movements of someone i admire, almost like recreating a spiritual connection with them.
in one of my old threads (https://looksmax.org/threads/cant-stop-doing.1608176/#post-22925170), i talked about not being able to control my hands. looking back, i realized i was trying to connect with someone named sobhan by copying his exact movements from a video of him dancing:
i did this almost daily, sometimes for minutes at a time. it made me feel like myself again yet i still cannot fully explain why, i just knew i had to do it. if i did not, the tension would build under my skin. horrible thoughts would start forming inside my head including violent impulses toward anyone who dared to interrupt me. it feels like pressure building internally. if i do not release it, i explode.
it is not just dancing. it can be falling in a specific way, shaking my head uncontrollably, punching my own chin, different movements depending on whatever clips made it into the edit. the urge feels automatic, almost like a tic. the moment i perform it, the tension drops instantly. the relief is intense and, over time, it reinforces the behavior even more.
the pattern is always the same. a person i know and love, usually an edit or clip of him. pressure builds. the compulsion becomes overwhelming. i act. i get relief. then the cycle resets, and for a few minutes i feel mentally reborn.
i do not believe it is tourette’s because it is not random, it is triggered and obsession-driven. i have been mocked and labeled both online and in real life, but those labels do not fully describe what is happening.
at its core, it is isolation that led to attachment. attachment that became obsession. obsession that turned into compulsion. compulsion that brings relief. that relief is what keeps the loop alive. i have tried medication. antipsychotics are the only thing that seem to reduce it. the problem is they make me completely blank and emotionless. when that happens, i feel like i lose all sense of purpose.
SORRY FOR THOSE ACTUALLY ACTIVE IN THESE PLACES, I TRIED TO SIMPLIFY IT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FOR A MAXIMUM OF PEOPLE TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND. I'M SURE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME FOR THIS HORRIBLE EXPLANATION.
> people who cared enough to be tagged: @HundredManSlayer @ihateevb @IAMNOTANINCEL
