loss of purpose and life - no reason to live

[conorlikessauce]

I really don't know. I have lost purpose in life. Without it, i am meaningless. I've been contemplating whether or not my life is something that's good. Each time i think about my life ending i get a small kick from it. Unnoticeable really, but i still do. Its come me that my whole life was really about doing, not living. And now without anything, my life has lost its value. Nothing really backs me up and i feel as if i have nothing to lose when i think about ending my own life. Maybe there is something ahead when after you die. Maybe there is something, a reason as to why people believe so much in something after death. I really don't know. I would drop anything for real friends. I don't think I ever had any to cherish. Every single friend that thought me as a real friend, I took them for granted and thought they were weird. I felt like i never deserved it and I pushed them away. Nothing makes any sense anymore. I wanted to feel valued but no value came to me in chasing that. Its now that I realized this. Its only after I have done terrible things to them and myself. I chase the dopamine hit. I am addicted. I am so addicted. I hate it so much. Everything feels meaningless. Is it weird that every time i look outside of the car in the passenger seat that my attempts in romanticizing outside , trying to stay away from my phone it gives the same feeling as scrolling? I don't know if i am doing it right.
I want to change, i can change, but i never will change. I can't do this. I want to so bad. But I cant.
idk if anyone wants to read this but i needed somewhere to express my mind directly. its 1:47 am for me and my mind jumps from thing to thing. i can't sleep. its been like this ever since i can remember the first occasion of it when i was 7 and my mom told me to just stop thinking.
i hate this so much. i hate thinking so much. i hate it. valueless thinking got me nowhere. i wish. i was just born different.