D
Deleted member 30843
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the truth is i would take care of myself more than the average person.
i would wake up drowsy, my body begging for more sleep and rest. i ignored such requests, my needs and my wants were not interchangeable. i would put on my running shoes and run approximately 3 miles all around my neighborhood. sweaty, tired, and dehydrated i would arrive at my home. water was the only form of sustenance my complicated synapses were firing for, and this time i obliged.
the truth is i would take care of myself more than the average person.
shower in freezing cold water. it was winter; such a task was not easy to bear. 5 minutes of this. shivering and trembling, i emerged from the shower. despite my best efforts to cool down, i would still retain the heat from the strenuous activity i had just committed. still weak in the legs from it, i dragged myself to the sink to commit the task i had strictly followed for the past year. cleanse. treatment. moisturizer. sunscreen. once a week i would go for treatment at a local aesthetician. my pockets ran empty.
the truth is i would take MUCH more care of myself more than the average person.
and yet, it still remained. i looked at myself in the mirror and stared in awe and disgust. in awe doe the sheer stubbornness of this disease. in disgust of the sheer vision of this disease. I had a mask, however. both a physical one and a mental one. change into clothes i deemed okay to somewhat accentuate the only good thing i had going for me, my body. drive to school, and begin the day. I had to hide in the stalls when it came time to eat. take off the mask. spray with disinfecting spray. eat. put it back on. go back to class. i couldn’t risk the stares i would get on a daily basis. i couldn’t risk the mental effects.
the truth is, i hated myself. every day i worked and i studied for a way to rid myself of this disease. every attempt returned fruitless.
get home. work on my body to attempt to make up for the gaping hole in my heart and mind. in the end, it didn’t matter. it never did. before going to sleep, i would do the same dreaded routine again. cleanse. treat. moisturize.
the truth is, my attempts always remained futile. why even try, then?
i started letting my hair grow long. i started wearing the same shitty clothes over and over again. i would forget even socialize some days. i didn’t care. i couldn’t care. this disease would always weigh me down, destroying my very flesh despite my efforts. there was no meaning left in the flesh. there was no meaning left to the vessel. there was only the soul. what soul could live in such turmoil? what should could live in such disastrous conditions?
the truth is, i lost my soul.
i’ve always dreamt of a world devoid of looks. devoid of judgement. every day i realize the truth. the truth is, such a world is not possible.
is there a next best thing? is there even a slimmer of hope for the soulless?
the answer lies within. i’ve seen it in myself. i’ve yet to see anyone else see it in themselves. do what you can to fix your weak, disheveled, disgusting body. after that, there is no rhyme nor reason to hyper focus on your negatives, nor your positives. realize the negatives lie within external boundaries. with the world. not you. it is this world that we have created that shows itself to us. i recognized the ugliness of the masses. and still, i chose to be someone who can help others. they are misguided, damaged and ignorant. we can guide them. we can lead them.
and most importantly, we can lead ourselves.
this is not a call to arms. this is not a reasoning for murder, rape, or crimes of any nature. we can do just as much good as we can bad. humans have, for as long as we lived, had the potential to invoke true change. and that we can achieve.
@BloodClot @capybar @Dr. Bludy @edgemaxx
@ferfdd @fuckingtheuniverse @Gaygymmaxx @HaShem @IAMNOTANINCEL @pessimistic @Phillybeard1996 @plukee @PointOfNoReturn @Rainman988 @redmaxx @ReinerGeist1 @rusian @son of Aphrodite @thecel @the_nextDavidLaid @thugmaxxing_yt0 @Void_
i would wake up drowsy, my body begging for more sleep and rest. i ignored such requests, my needs and my wants were not interchangeable. i would put on my running shoes and run approximately 3 miles all around my neighborhood. sweaty, tired, and dehydrated i would arrive at my home. water was the only form of sustenance my complicated synapses were firing for, and this time i obliged.
the truth is i would take care of myself more than the average person.
shower in freezing cold water. it was winter; such a task was not easy to bear. 5 minutes of this. shivering and trembling, i emerged from the shower. despite my best efforts to cool down, i would still retain the heat from the strenuous activity i had just committed. still weak in the legs from it, i dragged myself to the sink to commit the task i had strictly followed for the past year. cleanse. treatment. moisturizer. sunscreen. once a week i would go for treatment at a local aesthetician. my pockets ran empty.
the truth is i would take MUCH more care of myself more than the average person.
and yet, it still remained. i looked at myself in the mirror and stared in awe and disgust. in awe doe the sheer stubbornness of this disease. in disgust of the sheer vision of this disease. I had a mask, however. both a physical one and a mental one. change into clothes i deemed okay to somewhat accentuate the only good thing i had going for me, my body. drive to school, and begin the day. I had to hide in the stalls when it came time to eat. take off the mask. spray with disinfecting spray. eat. put it back on. go back to class. i couldn’t risk the stares i would get on a daily basis. i couldn’t risk the mental effects.
the truth is, i hated myself. every day i worked and i studied for a way to rid myself of this disease. every attempt returned fruitless.
get home. work on my body to attempt to make up for the gaping hole in my heart and mind. in the end, it didn’t matter. it never did. before going to sleep, i would do the same dreaded routine again. cleanse. treat. moisturize.
the truth is, my attempts always remained futile. why even try, then?
i started letting my hair grow long. i started wearing the same shitty clothes over and over again. i would forget even socialize some days. i didn’t care. i couldn’t care. this disease would always weigh me down, destroying my very flesh despite my efforts. there was no meaning left in the flesh. there was no meaning left to the vessel. there was only the soul. what soul could live in such turmoil? what should could live in such disastrous conditions?
the truth is, i lost my soul.
i’ve always dreamt of a world devoid of looks. devoid of judgement. every day i realize the truth. the truth is, such a world is not possible.
is there a next best thing? is there even a slimmer of hope for the soulless?
the answer lies within. i’ve seen it in myself. i’ve yet to see anyone else see it in themselves. do what you can to fix your weak, disheveled, disgusting body. after that, there is no rhyme nor reason to hyper focus on your negatives, nor your positives. realize the negatives lie within external boundaries. with the world. not you. it is this world that we have created that shows itself to us. i recognized the ugliness of the masses. and still, i chose to be someone who can help others. they are misguided, damaged and ignorant. we can guide them. we can lead them.
and most importantly, we can lead ourselves.
this is not a call to arms. this is not a reasoning for murder, rape, or crimes of any nature. we can do just as much good as we can bad. humans have, for as long as we lived, had the potential to invoke true change. and that we can achieve.
@BloodClot @capybar @Dr. Bludy @edgemaxx
@ferfdd @fuckingtheuniverse @Gaygymmaxx @HaShem @IAMNOTANINCEL @pessimistic @Phillybeard1996 @plukee @PointOfNoReturn @Rainman988 @redmaxx @ReinerGeist1 @rusian @son of Aphrodite @thecel @the_nextDavidLaid @thugmaxxing_yt0 @Void_
