mug
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preface....
I before I started high school I was conflicted with a rough past, my parents were divorced, I had very little friends and we were renting a house on a quiet street in a small town that I lived. I mostly played on my Wii U and xbox one. Minecraft and smash bros mostly. It had been 2 years since moving from Massachusetts. and I was still feeling the sting of my parents split up. I had made a few friends in elementary school, but I was too scared to invite them over. I had this lingering feeling in the back of my mind that people didn't like me. I would just listen to the cars going by and enjoy the few things I still had that I cared for. my kitten Natasha Bingo. my friend from where I used to live, and the content on YouTube was really decent. filthy frank idubbbz leafy. I hadn't cared for how I was eating or sleeping. I got good grades in school, I didn't watch porn or vine. I mostly stuck to myself. I feel like I knew how people saw me and I didn't like it. I didn't like going outside or really exploring. nothing much to do it was a boring place anyways. 7th grade was an integral year to my development as a person, the years before and after are fuzzy but this year I can remember events clearly.
I was always a good kid, never cussed, never did any drugs or any sexual activities. though after watching porn for the 1st time I really wanted to. there was this girl I had study hall with. and I would always talk with her and play board games. honestly I kind of miss this version of myself, I didn't care how I looked but I was aware of it. I noticed flaws in my front selfie cam that I didn't know how to process at that age. my chin was short my nose is too big my face is asymmetric. idk if I watched those redpill dating vids but I might have... my attire each day was a red flannel shirt with blue jeans. I liked how it looked and didn't care for athlesiure, aka everyone wearing nike and Adidas. I probably had Adidas or nike shows but I didn't care about the importance of brand. I liked how they looked. my day to day schedule was straight forward, a few classes I remember were gym, health art and study hall music and lunch. gym class was fun. I was overweight if I remember correctly but even if I wasn't popular I still had my fair share of people I could get along with. by normie standards I was one of the weird kids. I liked fnaf undertale and Minecraft while it was unpopular at the time. I even remember trying to make a Freddy mask for halloween. but I didn't wear it as it turned out poorly. I sat at a table with some kids and we talked about things I previously mentioned. I was big into fnaf lore, and was really invested in it. it was so nice just to feel like I expressed myself in the freest ways online. my parents were always helicopter parents and I will never forgive them for this. my mom still tries to snoop around my stuff today, so I always close my tabs or my laptop when they come around. she was even wary of me using vc In cod lobbies unless she knew I was talking to a friend I knew. she's kind of a bitch in all honesty. I have a lot of resentment towards my parents, I remember in a previous apartment she threatened me with a frying pan. like a fucking Disney princess but I was scared. I know some people will find this funny. that's just inevitable, maybe its my writing style or delivery whatever the case when talking about sensitive topics myself, sometimes I can't help but Burst into laughter typing it, not in this case but previously I have. I don't know what it is but humor has always been my crutch for immense pain.
anyways, I was big into undertale, probably obsessed, not sure why I was, maybe autism, maybe a cope. maybe being a kid, but whatever the case I used this app called amino to talk with people who also cared about undertale, I was in another for fnaf also.
a big turning point in my life happened when I heard kids talking on the bus about "corn" they called it that but I remember there was a website called cornhub ironically that they showed me lol. but the talk of the parody site got me interested in the real thing. this post is like an episode of big mouth or something so sorry for the corny dialogue and tween angst. anyways I remember getting off the bus, heading into my basement going into the bathroom. and loading up the hub.
at this point I haven't even seen "the talk" they had in 5th grade biology I was vacationing that week and didn't know what to expect. so I looked up girls twearking... to get off my 1st nut. I was so afraid to look at anyone naked. but after I bust my 1st nut. I remember physically shaking a bit after, my legs were wobbly, I had to sit on the toilet afterwards and I felt like I was about to fall asleep. it felt so blissful for 15 seconds I felt like all my worries had gone away, it was really incredible.
I get shills thinking about on that fateful evening I seeled away my innocence and shudder to think at the man I would've become had I not taken that 1st step off a Cliff.
today, I still very much resemble myself as I did then. and am scared of the unknown effects porn addiction can do to the development physically and mentally of a young man. the other day a girl asked if I was 15 while I was cashiering for her. to me it reminds me of that myth that says If you make a face it stays that way forever, but for me it feels like im trapped in the body of someone I hate forever. every day I would come home from school shaking from anxiety, rushing to my basement with a wooden floor and decent heating, and pull up a tab on my phone, trying to experiment very slowly and afraid. it felt so euphoric and I was afraid to explore but getting another hit was worth it each time.
at school as I kept talking to this girl I remember feeling more lustful. even though she was fat, I was bluepilled and believed beauty was in the eye of the beholder. and sometimes got a hard on. until she admitted she had a crush on me. we spent so much time together every day just playing apples to apples quietly I never thought it would become nothing more. but I had an honest crush after spending so much time with someone who I thought truly cared for me. and I admitted it back. and as we walked between classes away from each other to different ones. I became terrified of the idea of sex. and next year my lust would take control of me in some interactions.
anyways I kept watching porn and being terrified that (this is funny) my penis was inadequate. now... I don't remember how much its grown since then, but I was so insecure after watching porn and Im pretty sure I was prepubescent still. the 1st week of dating it was her birthday and I I didn't go because I was afraid of sex. in between this time I made autistic charts including one being a pyramid and saying we were on tier 2 and I wanted to increase it. ok maybe I was afraid of sex but I really wanted to have it. I asked her about undertale, she said she played halo, I knew halo 5 came out recently, but I never played halo before. when we were dating other girls accused them of me looking at their friend asses. maybe I did maybe I don't think this was intentional. but It made me more nervous as I didn't want to be accused of cheating. at the end of the second week I asked her for her test scores. I said 84 on something and she said 30...
I remember the next day I came in and said to her very plainly and autistically that I didn't want to be her boyfriend anymore and that we should break up... she broke down in tears. I honestly felt so bad but I had reached a boil. the porn had made me aware she was overweight, and I thought I could never date someone as stupid as her. I didn't tell her this but those were my reasons. and I think her friend hugged me before thes happened randomly and she was thinner and I wanted to smash her. I never got the chance too.
I never wanted to date a again if I wasn't attracted to her fully. to avoid breaking her heart. and I still have this philosophy today this is why im Stacy sexual.
other things that happened to me in 7th grade was I was called out for wearing "tighty wighties" in the mens changing room. and I got boxers after that.
the grande finale of this year was when a white trash girl took my shirt and threw it into the trash can off my back, I can't remember why this conflict started but I think it had to do with someone making fun of my clothes.
but the kicker is that I thought it was the black gay kid because I got a weird bully vibe from him so I started swinging at this kid. he wore sunglasses indoors too he was weird.
another highlight was when a tall black kid was bullying me in gym, but he had on a big ass wave over to cover his hair, so I called him a dick head cause it looked like a dick.
to those of you saying I got bullied in school, you are absolutely right, but im glad I stuck up for myself when I did.
during the middle of this year, my mom hooked up with a rich boyfriend who had his house on a private drive, and moved me into a private school next year for the bullying in endured that year, but if I were her I would've kept me in public school, maybe I would be such a puss now but whatever.
I have other stories of times where I emailed this girl very cringe ass sappy romantic letters, and another time where my cousins cousin pretty much tried to climb on top of me when I was at a family reunion. no blood relation but that's for later.
im going to start exposing my past, as this is cathartic for me just to get it all onto a screen and shared with others, like free therapist that's the worst ever.
I before I started high school I was conflicted with a rough past, my parents were divorced, I had very little friends and we were renting a house on a quiet street in a small town that I lived. I mostly played on my Wii U and xbox one. Minecraft and smash bros mostly. It had been 2 years since moving from Massachusetts. and I was still feeling the sting of my parents split up. I had made a few friends in elementary school, but I was too scared to invite them over. I had this lingering feeling in the back of my mind that people didn't like me. I would just listen to the cars going by and enjoy the few things I still had that I cared for. my kitten Natasha Bingo. my friend from where I used to live, and the content on YouTube was really decent. filthy frank idubbbz leafy. I hadn't cared for how I was eating or sleeping. I got good grades in school, I didn't watch porn or vine. I mostly stuck to myself. I feel like I knew how people saw me and I didn't like it. I didn't like going outside or really exploring. nothing much to do it was a boring place anyways. 7th grade was an integral year to my development as a person, the years before and after are fuzzy but this year I can remember events clearly.
I was always a good kid, never cussed, never did any drugs or any sexual activities. though after watching porn for the 1st time I really wanted to. there was this girl I had study hall with. and I would always talk with her and play board games. honestly I kind of miss this version of myself, I didn't care how I looked but I was aware of it. I noticed flaws in my front selfie cam that I didn't know how to process at that age. my chin was short my nose is too big my face is asymmetric. idk if I watched those redpill dating vids but I might have... my attire each day was a red flannel shirt with blue jeans. I liked how it looked and didn't care for athlesiure, aka everyone wearing nike and Adidas. I probably had Adidas or nike shows but I didn't care about the importance of brand. I liked how they looked. my day to day schedule was straight forward, a few classes I remember were gym, health art and study hall music and lunch. gym class was fun. I was overweight if I remember correctly but even if I wasn't popular I still had my fair share of people I could get along with. by normie standards I was one of the weird kids. I liked fnaf undertale and Minecraft while it was unpopular at the time. I even remember trying to make a Freddy mask for halloween. but I didn't wear it as it turned out poorly. I sat at a table with some kids and we talked about things I previously mentioned. I was big into fnaf lore, and was really invested in it. it was so nice just to feel like I expressed myself in the freest ways online. my parents were always helicopter parents and I will never forgive them for this. my mom still tries to snoop around my stuff today, so I always close my tabs or my laptop when they come around. she was even wary of me using vc In cod lobbies unless she knew I was talking to a friend I knew. she's kind of a bitch in all honesty. I have a lot of resentment towards my parents, I remember in a previous apartment she threatened me with a frying pan. like a fucking Disney princess but I was scared. I know some people will find this funny. that's just inevitable, maybe its my writing style or delivery whatever the case when talking about sensitive topics myself, sometimes I can't help but Burst into laughter typing it, not in this case but previously I have. I don't know what it is but humor has always been my crutch for immense pain.
anyways, I was big into undertale, probably obsessed, not sure why I was, maybe autism, maybe a cope. maybe being a kid, but whatever the case I used this app called amino to talk with people who also cared about undertale, I was in another for fnaf also.
a big turning point in my life happened when I heard kids talking on the bus about "corn" they called it that but I remember there was a website called cornhub ironically that they showed me lol. but the talk of the parody site got me interested in the real thing. this post is like an episode of big mouth or something so sorry for the corny dialogue and tween angst. anyways I remember getting off the bus, heading into my basement going into the bathroom. and loading up the hub.
at this point I haven't even seen "the talk" they had in 5th grade biology I was vacationing that week and didn't know what to expect. so I looked up girls twearking... to get off my 1st nut. I was so afraid to look at anyone naked. but after I bust my 1st nut. I remember physically shaking a bit after, my legs were wobbly, I had to sit on the toilet afterwards and I felt like I was about to fall asleep. it felt so blissful for 15 seconds I felt like all my worries had gone away, it was really incredible.
I get shills thinking about on that fateful evening I seeled away my innocence and shudder to think at the man I would've become had I not taken that 1st step off a Cliff.
today, I still very much resemble myself as I did then. and am scared of the unknown effects porn addiction can do to the development physically and mentally of a young man. the other day a girl asked if I was 15 while I was cashiering for her. to me it reminds me of that myth that says If you make a face it stays that way forever, but for me it feels like im trapped in the body of someone I hate forever. every day I would come home from school shaking from anxiety, rushing to my basement with a wooden floor and decent heating, and pull up a tab on my phone, trying to experiment very slowly and afraid. it felt so euphoric and I was afraid to explore but getting another hit was worth it each time.
at school as I kept talking to this girl I remember feeling more lustful. even though she was fat, I was bluepilled and believed beauty was in the eye of the beholder. and sometimes got a hard on. until she admitted she had a crush on me. we spent so much time together every day just playing apples to apples quietly I never thought it would become nothing more. but I had an honest crush after spending so much time with someone who I thought truly cared for me. and I admitted it back. and as we walked between classes away from each other to different ones. I became terrified of the idea of sex. and next year my lust would take control of me in some interactions.
anyways I kept watching porn and being terrified that (this is funny) my penis was inadequate. now... I don't remember how much its grown since then, but I was so insecure after watching porn and Im pretty sure I was prepubescent still. the 1st week of dating it was her birthday and I I didn't go because I was afraid of sex. in between this time I made autistic charts including one being a pyramid and saying we were on tier 2 and I wanted to increase it. ok maybe I was afraid of sex but I really wanted to have it. I asked her about undertale, she said she played halo, I knew halo 5 came out recently, but I never played halo before. when we were dating other girls accused them of me looking at their friend asses. maybe I did maybe I don't think this was intentional. but It made me more nervous as I didn't want to be accused of cheating. at the end of the second week I asked her for her test scores. I said 84 on something and she said 30...
I remember the next day I came in and said to her very plainly and autistically that I didn't want to be her boyfriend anymore and that we should break up... she broke down in tears. I honestly felt so bad but I had reached a boil. the porn had made me aware she was overweight, and I thought I could never date someone as stupid as her. I didn't tell her this but those were my reasons. and I think her friend hugged me before thes happened randomly and she was thinner and I wanted to smash her. I never got the chance too.
I never wanted to date a again if I wasn't attracted to her fully. to avoid breaking her heart. and I still have this philosophy today this is why im Stacy sexual.
other things that happened to me in 7th grade was I was called out for wearing "tighty wighties" in the mens changing room. and I got boxers after that.
the grande finale of this year was when a white trash girl took my shirt and threw it into the trash can off my back, I can't remember why this conflict started but I think it had to do with someone making fun of my clothes.
but the kicker is that I thought it was the black gay kid because I got a weird bully vibe from him so I started swinging at this kid. he wore sunglasses indoors too he was weird.
another highlight was when a tall black kid was bullying me in gym, but he had on a big ass wave over to cover his hair, so I called him a dick head cause it looked like a dick.
to those of you saying I got bullied in school, you are absolutely right, but im glad I stuck up for myself when I did.
during the middle of this year, my mom hooked up with a rich boyfriend who had his house on a private drive, and moved me into a private school next year for the bullying in endured that year, but if I were her I would've kept me in public school, maybe I would be such a puss now but whatever.
I have other stories of times where I emailed this girl very cringe ass sappy romantic letters, and another time where my cousins cousin pretty much tried to climb on top of me when I was at a family reunion. no blood relation but that's for later.
im going to start exposing my past, as this is cathartic for me just to get it all onto a screen and shared with others, like free therapist that's the worst ever.
