D
Deleted member 439
what would jordan do?
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2018
- Posts
- 3,296
- Reputation
- 6,537
Just wanted to be real with myself and reflect a bit. Dont really care what you guys say, If your handsome then you have the right to call me low t and insult me, but if your an ugly fag like me just stfu.
It started 2years ago, I posted a photo on an lookism. I got high ratings saying I could be a model in the future, that I am top 5% for my age (I was 16 at the time). However, the problem was that this was one specific photo i used which was heavily frauded. I used great lighting, clenched my cheeks, squinted my eyes I looked really fucking good. The problem is that wasnt how I actually looked.
I became in love with this version of myself, Everytime I thought about how I looked I imagined that 1photo, A lean charismatic blonde blue eyed tall dude. I was on a high, I loved myself, and I was beaming with confidence.
However, This vision distorted myself completely. Whenever I was caught off gaurd by the mirror, or saw a photo I used to cope saying that the lighting was bad and that photos make me look bad. However this became harder and harder to ignore. Who was this fat bloated big nosed guy looking back at me? I imagined myself as a leader, a role model, everyone looked up to me if I looked like that everything was a lie, I was just an ugly guy overcompensating for my looks.
Along the way I cant see myself properly. My life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes I catch glimpse of this ideal version of myself. I start working out, socializing, being the ideal person, God gave me the looks and height of a leader I should act like it. However, when reality hits me, and i see this defeated sad unrecognizable face looking at me I feel defeated.
In the beginning I tried to ignore mirrors and cameras, but now I punish myself with it. I deserve to feel like shit if i look like shit. I dont want to be a pretender living a fake life. I cant accept it. People tell me Im average and I fucking die. I loved this feeling of being god, and it kills me that it was in my head. I hate the face that i see and i fucking want to kill it for destroying my hopes and dreams.
Ive tried my best to become this ideal version of myself. 17 Ive already taken anabolic substances, eated up and thrown it up, none of this shit hurt me mentally. I did it because I knew that it would be worth it if I could achieve that look i desperately want.
I love myself either way. My ugly bloated self. I feel pity and sadness, I know how hard he worked to get sadness in return, to stare and hate himself. I tell myself that its temporary, with hard work we can achieve it. My ideal self. I love him, he is a leader and an inspiration. Everyone loves him and looks up to him. I want him back so desperately. Right now the only thing im focusing on is bodymaxing and surgery, One day I will become like that.
Good luck to you all, im sure your as mentally fucked as me. the only way to feel better is to look better. good face=good mental health
It started 2years ago, I posted a photo on an lookism. I got high ratings saying I could be a model in the future, that I am top 5% for my age (I was 16 at the time). However, the problem was that this was one specific photo i used which was heavily frauded. I used great lighting, clenched my cheeks, squinted my eyes I looked really fucking good. The problem is that wasnt how I actually looked.
I became in love with this version of myself, Everytime I thought about how I looked I imagined that 1photo, A lean charismatic blonde blue eyed tall dude. I was on a high, I loved myself, and I was beaming with confidence.
However, This vision distorted myself completely. Whenever I was caught off gaurd by the mirror, or saw a photo I used to cope saying that the lighting was bad and that photos make me look bad. However this became harder and harder to ignore. Who was this fat bloated big nosed guy looking back at me? I imagined myself as a leader, a role model, everyone looked up to me if I looked like that everything was a lie, I was just an ugly guy overcompensating for my looks.
Along the way I cant see myself properly. My life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes I catch glimpse of this ideal version of myself. I start working out, socializing, being the ideal person, God gave me the looks and height of a leader I should act like it. However, when reality hits me, and i see this defeated sad unrecognizable face looking at me I feel defeated.
In the beginning I tried to ignore mirrors and cameras, but now I punish myself with it. I deserve to feel like shit if i look like shit. I dont want to be a pretender living a fake life. I cant accept it. People tell me Im average and I fucking die. I loved this feeling of being god, and it kills me that it was in my head. I hate the face that i see and i fucking want to kill it for destroying my hopes and dreams.
Ive tried my best to become this ideal version of myself. 17 Ive already taken anabolic substances, eated up and thrown it up, none of this shit hurt me mentally. I did it because I knew that it would be worth it if I could achieve that look i desperately want.
I love myself either way. My ugly bloated self. I feel pity and sadness, I know how hard he worked to get sadness in return, to stare and hate himself. I tell myself that its temporary, with hard work we can achieve it. My ideal self. I love him, he is a leader and an inspiration. Everyone loves him and looks up to him. I want him back so desperately. Right now the only thing im focusing on is bodymaxing and surgery, One day I will become like that.
Good luck to you all, im sure your as mentally fucked as me. the only way to feel better is to look better. good face=good mental health
