Hahacrazy
Iron
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2026
- Posts
- 89
- Reputation
- 74
From the ages of 13 to 20, I was a turbo-incel. I was ugly and I knew it deep down. This contributed to my social anxiety, low self-esteem and overall poor social skills. Girls never bothered interacting with me, and some of them even called me ugly. Unsurprisingly, I never bothered interacting with girls myself since it seemed like such a foreign fantasy. Naturally, I turned to porn and masturbation and developed an addiction that I still struggle with today at the age of 24. It was to the point where I was jerking off and watching porn almost daily for hours at a day. I even started and still do prone masturbation in my bed.
However, I did "date" my oneitis during that time for a few months. It was hell and did not ascend me at all. We both admitted to liking each other for a good while, and agreed to become bf/gf. The problem: she was a (mentally ill) slut and I was a sensitive romantic bluepilled boy who was already ugly and nd (i was still shy and anxious around her). I told her I loved her before the first date (which she replied to favourably before switching up on me). I pedestalized her so much. She did not seem that attracted to me to begin with since she did not initially like it when I touched her at all, even if it was just for handholding. I had to wait for the fourth date just to have my first kiss and make out session. During that date, she told me that she met her ex before we started dating just so she can kiss him. I remember I placed my face in my hands and started tearing up because this broke down my idealized perception of her. I did not understand why she would meet her ex (who she claimed to dislike) just to kiss him if she had a crush on me. She would ghost me and ignore me for hours if not days, and since I was bluepilled, I would double and triple text her out of fear of losing her.
She barely even wanted to hang out with me at all and made me feel like a burden. One day when we were hanging out at a park during lunch in high school, the jocks/chads were just passing through and she just placed her face in the palm of her hands out of embarrassment. How the hell do you think I felt after that? To top it all off, she had many guy friends. I even told her to stay away from one of her guy friends since he was mean to me, and she refused. She even went to his house sometime after I told her that, according to her snapchat location (he was tall btw). She ended up dumping me to immediately start seeing one of her guy friends, according to some rumours (this one was uglier and shorter than me). Needless to say, I was still jerking off and watching porn throughout the entirety of our relationship since handjobs, blowjobs, sex, or any other form of orgasmic activity was out of the question for her when it came to our relationship.
After having my heart shattered and violently sobbing for a full night, I coped with the Redpill before finally discovering the Blackpill community. When I was 20-21, I finally started getting interest and dates from decent looking girls due to a combination of my natural physical development, softmaxxing, and interacting with the normie world (restaurant job, bars, clubs, dating apps, social media) after covid. I then realized that the damage was already done. I lost my virginity (and got my first bj) to a girl who was out of my league at 21, and I had performance issues. My dick would not get up and seemed desensitized. Whenever my foreskin opened up when I did get hard, my glans was so sensitive that I just felt pain/discomfort whenever it touched my underwear and the condom. The hj was also not pleasant (idk if my glans or my foreskin is the problem). I was also anxious since this kind of situation felt so surreal and foreign to me, to the point where I kind of felt dissociated. The girl was bitchy towards me because of this. Since then, the same symptoms have happened when I am about to get sexual with a woman. All those years of inceldom and my subsequent porn/fapping addiction has psycho-sexually ruined me. I can only be in the mood when I am alone in my room. I am considering just not interacting with women at all. I can only interact with a woman after drinking alcohol, or else I will just come across as too nd. I strongly believe that I would have turned out psychosexually healthy, less insecure, and less nd if I engaged in sexual activity when I was in my adolescence. Even though I had other problems at the time that fucked me up, desirable relations with the opposite sex whenever I wanted could have helped me tremendously. And now that I also know about female nature, ltrs don't even interest me. I am a 5'7 mtn with psychological issues that might never fully heal.
However, I did "date" my oneitis during that time for a few months. It was hell and did not ascend me at all. We both admitted to liking each other for a good while, and agreed to become bf/gf. The problem: she was a (mentally ill) slut and I was a sensitive romantic bluepilled boy who was already ugly and nd (i was still shy and anxious around her). I told her I loved her before the first date (which she replied to favourably before switching up on me). I pedestalized her so much. She did not seem that attracted to me to begin with since she did not initially like it when I touched her at all, even if it was just for handholding. I had to wait for the fourth date just to have my first kiss and make out session. During that date, she told me that she met her ex before we started dating just so she can kiss him. I remember I placed my face in my hands and started tearing up because this broke down my idealized perception of her. I did not understand why she would meet her ex (who she claimed to dislike) just to kiss him if she had a crush on me. She would ghost me and ignore me for hours if not days, and since I was bluepilled, I would double and triple text her out of fear of losing her.
She barely even wanted to hang out with me at all and made me feel like a burden. One day when we were hanging out at a park during lunch in high school, the jocks/chads were just passing through and she just placed her face in the palm of her hands out of embarrassment. How the hell do you think I felt after that? To top it all off, she had many guy friends. I even told her to stay away from one of her guy friends since he was mean to me, and she refused. She even went to his house sometime after I told her that, according to her snapchat location (he was tall btw). She ended up dumping me to immediately start seeing one of her guy friends, according to some rumours (this one was uglier and shorter than me). Needless to say, I was still jerking off and watching porn throughout the entirety of our relationship since handjobs, blowjobs, sex, or any other form of orgasmic activity was out of the question for her when it came to our relationship.
After having my heart shattered and violently sobbing for a full night, I coped with the Redpill before finally discovering the Blackpill community. When I was 20-21, I finally started getting interest and dates from decent looking girls due to a combination of my natural physical development, softmaxxing, and interacting with the normie world (restaurant job, bars, clubs, dating apps, social media) after covid. I then realized that the damage was already done. I lost my virginity (and got my first bj) to a girl who was out of my league at 21, and I had performance issues. My dick would not get up and seemed desensitized. Whenever my foreskin opened up when I did get hard, my glans was so sensitive that I just felt pain/discomfort whenever it touched my underwear and the condom. The hj was also not pleasant (idk if my glans or my foreskin is the problem). I was also anxious since this kind of situation felt so surreal and foreign to me, to the point where I kind of felt dissociated. The girl was bitchy towards me because of this. Since then, the same symptoms have happened when I am about to get sexual with a woman. All those years of inceldom and my subsequent porn/fapping addiction has psycho-sexually ruined me. I can only be in the mood when I am alone in my room. I am considering just not interacting with women at all. I can only interact with a woman after drinking alcohol, or else I will just come across as too nd. I strongly believe that I would have turned out psychosexually healthy, less insecure, and less nd if I engaged in sexual activity when I was in my adolescence. Even though I had other problems at the time that fucked me up, desirable relations with the opposite sex whenever I wanted could have helped me tremendously. And now that I also know about female nature, ltrs don't even interest me. I am a 5'7 mtn with psychological issues that might never fully heal.
Last edited:
