M
Mr. Nobody
Iron
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2024
- Posts
- 235
- Reputation
- 556
I (22M) just can’t deal with it. Ever since I was in high school I was a fucking reject, the one everyone wanted to avoid. I was always told that college was different, that everyone was more mature and didn’t care about childish things like in hs. I felt exactly the same I was and am still alone in the classroom, in the cafeteria, everywhere. Oral presentations and group projects are pure torture and now I’m trying to change programs, so I’m restarting again at age 22. My mom is quite disappointed and I have no one. My best friend and my biggest guide to life was my father and he died 3 years ago from pulmonary fibrosis. His death has been the catalyst of the accumulation of guilt, solitude and self hatred I have since hs. Now, I have crippling social anxiety and depression. I have no self-esteem and no confidence at all. Of course, I am very socially awkward. Never had suicidal ideations, but I have an anguish that never completely fades off about ever increasing expectations I get from my age. I’ve been told to never compare myself to others, but man… Family reunions always gives me a reality check. I just talked to my nephew who’s like 15 yrs old and drinks, smokes, goes to parties and bars with a group of people and has had girlfriends and he seems quite happy. I just can’t not compare my life to his, especially because I know him since he was born. My best moments of my life were when I was in elementary school, because we were the same class since first grade and everyone knew each other, so I had my group of geeky friends who really had no expectations since that’s all they knew. Then in hs everything changed. I knew nobody, but already everyone knew each other and formed cliques and I became the black sheep. Nothing has changed… Sometimes I wonder if I have autism, because of a narrative I see a lot around here (Reddit and internet in general) and that now I find quite toxic. The notion that if you’re a failure to society, you must have a condition. For example, if you’re a reject and socially awkward, then you must be autistic. If you have bad grades, then you must have ADHD. This kind of thinking of categorizing everything into conditions pathologises those conditions because we only see them through the lens of failure and puts the neurotypical as the perfect human being without quirks or differences. He is the epitome of human behaviour. Anyways I’ve been with 3 therapists because of my situation and none of them thinks I’m neurodivergent. So, I am just who I am. The thing is, I’m pretty ok being myself. What I find devastating is being myself to others. The looks of disappointment, avoidance and even disgust just crushes my soul. Sometimes just being at the bus feels like I’m being seen as a criminal. I’m always sitting alone even if it’s full. One factor that I fear has contributed significantly to who I am and how I am treated is my appearance. When I was a child to prepuber, I always thought of myself as alright. Then my cousin said I was ugly and I questioned myself, although not a lot. This question increased every year seeing how the others treated me. I’m pretty sure that if I go to r/amiugly I would get a 4 max. I’m balding with absolutely no chin and I always have baggy eyes. I’ve tried minoxidil and finasteride with the help of my doctor and nothing changed. The only solution for my chin is maxilo-facial surgery which is a treatment of 2 years because of braces which I already had… (quite expensive!). If the only solution is plastic surgery, I refuse it, because I still have some sense of dignity. I believe we need to accept our natural selves. Although, it is more and more hard to do it since our society is fucked! I find that people are incredibly obsessed by appearance that our beauty standards are off the roof! Instagram and TikTok are so toxic that it’s rare seeing ugly people posting without them being bullied. It’s not that we have better standards, but that we are treating more people worse because of it. Of course, you can induce that I never had a relationship, and that I’m prolly an Incel. The first one is true, but I assure you that those people disgust me. I’m from a progressive and militant family and I’ve always been a progressist myself. I never had the thought of a woman as being something I’m entitled to. My only gripe is that I crave for company, understanding, connection and affection like anybody else and, of course, I have hormones. If you’re reading this, it means you have read this whole ass wall of text about my life and you found it interesting. You have my deepest and sincere gratitude, thank you! I needed to write this to vent a little with the hopes that at least someone is able to sympathize with my experiences.
