my life sucks

[lucifer88]

is just a vent , dnr me if possible you wont understand anything of what im saying but feel free to ask questions if you read

edit: dnr this please


i find quite comical how for a long time i almost forgot i lived with mental health problems, as someone with schizophrenia and aspd life has never been easy i self harm im very sadistic and my perception on love was always based on how much can the other do for me (in the most narcissistic way) im a pathological liar and it has ruined my life its almost inevitable to not distort reality whenever it benefits me and when it doesn't i have a strong need for always having full control of all situations and lack empathy in a lot of cases but im still extremely emotional my psychiatrist said i wasn't but i know i feel it i feel happines i feel sadness but something what i feel the most is anger its very overwhelming how all these things occur inside my head like if i couldn't be able to express them physically its comical how for a while i forgot about the weird shadows that perturbed me at night and all the nights of non-stop crying i went through simply because of a girl I can't believe im saying this but a girl healed me..

until she left me..
depression is back leukemia is not something im concerned of anymore, im going to start doing hero i want my life to end im unbothered because misery in my life is expected but im sad i lost my daughter

I built my future around someone like it was a stable structure instead of a temporary signal, so when it collapsed it didn’t just feel like loss it felt like my whole model of “forward” stopped working, and after leukemia I already stopped trusting simple narratives of continuity because my body proved how fast everything can get rewritten without permission, so when the depression came back it wasn’t dramatic it was familiar, like returning to an old baseline state my brain never fully unlearned, and I can notice how my mind keeps reaching for shortcuts to shut everything down fast, the same reward logic that made addiction feel like control at some point, where the system stops optimizing for long termn stability
i wont keep taking or trying to find my meds for leukemia so if i stop posting you already know i die .

if you didn't dnr me thank you for being a curious person

 

[Panchitosbroncs]

is just a vent , dnr me if possible you wont understand anything of what im saying but feel free to ask questions if you read

edit: dnr this please


i find quite comical how for a long time i almost forgot i lived with mental health problems, as someone with schizophrenia and aspd life has never been easy i self harm im very sadistic and my perception on love was always based on how much can the other do for me (in the most narcissistic way) im a pathological liar and it has ruined my life its almost inevitable to not distort reality whenever it benefits me and when it doesn't i have a strong need for always having full control of all situations and lack empathy in a lot of cases but im still extremely emotional my psychiatrist said i wasn't but i know i feel it i feel happines i feel sadness but something what i feel the most is anger its very overwhelming how all these things occur inside my head like if i couldn't be able to express them physically its comical how for a while i forgot about the weird shadows that perturbed me at night and all the nights of non-stop crying i went through simply because of a girl I can't believe im saying this but a girl healed me..

until she left me..
depression is back leukemia is not something im concerned of anymore, im going to start doing hero i want my life to end im unbothered because misery in my life is expected but im sad i lost my daughter

I built my future around someone like it was a stable structure instead of a temporary signal, so when it collapsed it didn’t just feel like loss it felt like my whole model of “forward” stopped working, and after leukemia I already stopped trusting simple narratives of continuity because my body proved how fast everything can get rewritten without permission, so when the depression came back it wasn’t dramatic it was familiar, like returning to an old baseline state my brain never fully unlearned, and I can notice how my mind keeps reaching for shortcuts to shut everything down fast, the same reward logic that made addiction feel like control at some point, where the system stops optimizing for long termn stability
i wont keep taking or trying to find my meds for leukemia so if i stop posting you already know i die .

if you didn't dnr me thank you for being a curious person

I don't know what to say, but I'll let you know that I read every single word. Try to enjoy life before dying.

 

[IStalkMyself]

is just a vent , dnr me if possible you wont understand anything of what im saying but feel free to ask questions if you read

edit: dnr this please


i find quite comical how for a long time i almost forgot i lived with mental health problems, as someone with schizophrenia and aspd life has never been easy i self harm im very sadistic and my perception on love was always based on how much can the other do for me (in the most narcissistic way) im a pathological liar and it has ruined my life its almost inevitable to not distort reality whenever it benefits me and when it doesn't i have a strong need for always having full control of all situations and lack empathy in a lot of cases but im still extremely emotional my psychiatrist said i wasn't but i know i feel it i feel happines i feel sadness but something what i feel the most is anger its very overwhelming how all these things occur inside my head like if i couldn't be able to express them physically its comical how for a while i forgot about the weird shadows that perturbed me at night and all the nights of non-stop crying i went through simply because of a girl I can't believe im saying this but a girl healed me..

until she left me..
depression is back leukemia is not something im concerned of anymore, im going to start doing hero i want my life to end im unbothered because misery in my life is expected but im sad i lost my daughter

I built my future around someone like it was a stable structure instead of a temporary signal, so when it collapsed it didn’t just feel like loss it felt like my whole model of “forward” stopped working, and after leukemia I already stopped trusting simple narratives of continuity because my body proved how fast everything can get rewritten without permission, so when the depression came back it wasn’t dramatic it was familiar, like returning to an old baseline state my brain never fully unlearned, and I can notice how my mind keeps reaching for shortcuts to shut everything down fast, the same reward logic that made addiction feel like control at some point, where the system stops optimizing for long termn stability
i wont keep taking or trying to find my meds for leukemia so if i stop posting you already know i die .

if you didn't dnr me thank you for being a curious person

ok so i read the whole thread

that really sucks, somethings can be out of your control

listen nigga, i hope you conquer leukemia and find a new foid that will love you no matter what, even if you arent the best person alive

best of wishes nigger

 

[lucifer88]

I don't know what to say, but I'll let you know that I read every single word. Try to enjoy life before dying.

hahs bro the quote on ur profile genuinely made my night i love you you're funny

 

[Panchitosbroncs]

hahs bro the quote on ur profile genuinely made my night i love you you're funny

I'm glad I did.

 

[primal_shitmuncher]

I understand your decision tbh.

Good luck on making it this far brah, must not be easy for you to give up on taking meds.

I hope you have nothing but fun for your remaining days bhaijaan.

 

[Strawzzz]

haha kys retard

 

[Andremln]

some people just come to this world to suffer

 

[Strawzzz]

i hope the lukemia gets u

 

[LowTierBateman]

 

[Pickletoil]

dnr me if possible

say less

 

[chris182]

i'm sorry you're going through this

from what i've seen, you've already gotten through things that would've broken a lot of people

i know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but i don't think one person leaving should be the thing that decides whether all of that was worth it

please keep taking your meds and don't start heroin. give yourself time before making any permanent decisions while you're hurting this much

Wishing you the best