My life

[Fatherless_moid67]

My whole life I've been wondering why people murder each other, thinking that it was so stupid that I wouldn't hurt another person, years later I understand why now, my whole family expects me to be the most successful person in the world, as the eldest obviously it's expected to have the most impossible expectations from the family, but I've been so down ever since the day I turned 13, that was where I had seen how much of an asshole my family was, but I'm not so innocent since I was an asshole too, yes I know it's bad and that's why I don't think I should live anymore, i always wondered what would happen if I had jumped off a bridge or hung my self, I never wanted to stab myself, since I didn't want to cause my family trouble cleaning up, now that I'm 15,i just have these messed up thoughts about murder, I don't wanna kill or take an innocent person's life. And looking back I've been such a burden to my whole family ever since my day of birth, my mother (I'm sorry mom) works abroad since I was 6, and I think I'm just wasting money that she sends my family for me and my sister, all this knowledge going to waste because of how I'm acting, and when I started to go to the gym months after my 14th birthday (I have poor memory sorry) I think it was September or August that I started in? My aunt first asked why I'm going to the gym being all hostile, and I just told her because I wanted to, but in reality I just hated how fat I looked, and I was a short manlet with a height of 5'5, I'm now 5'7 I still feel fat and short to everyone else in my school. And up to this day I still hate im short, smart but somehow turning dumb? I can't even look at basic math questions without my brain short circuiting, and I also didn't want to be alone, but I was also the most made fun of in my 'friend' group, I was ugly and an overall weird person, they said. if only I was handsome maybe my weirdness would've been accepted. Sometimes I feel empty and have no purpose in life, and I know how I feel, but I cant do anything about it, because if I either told my family they'd either blame my phone (which is my only source of happiness thanks to my beloved online friends, and her) or give me a lecture about wasting my brain, now I can't stand up and walk properly because I'll be out of breath and either have no sense of balance, but I'll catch anything that falls really quick if I'm just really focused on doing the work, and lately I've been getting these uncomfortable thoughts about murder. Before the website WPD got banned in my country, I watched it at first, got disgusted and sick of seeing a person vomit their guts and blood out, but then months and days go by, I was asked by my cousin to join a problematic server from the app discord, where I met my online friends, they were cool and kind, but also liked watching people die, which I wasn't fond of but tried getting used to it, so days go by, we're all watching in the website I try laughing with them, and then it's like something switched in me, suddenly I'm interested in seeing people die and see human insides in general. And so I have been getting thoughts, what if I did that to a person in real life? Would it give me the same excitement and rush? I don't like it, I know how I feel but it's because my mind never stops talking, and I say NEVER. Please give some advice.

 

[xanlack]

My whole life I've been wondering why people murder each other, thinking that it was so stupid that I wouldn't hurt another person, years later I understand why now, my whole family expects me to be the most successful person in the world, as the eldest obviously it's expected to have the most impossible expectations from the family, but I've been so down ever since the day I turned 13, that was where I had seen how much of an asshole my family was, but I'm not so innocent since I was an asshole too, yes I know it's bad and that's why I don't think I should live anymore, i always wondered what would happen if I had jumped off a bridge or hung my self, I never wanted to stab myself, since I didn't want to cause my family trouble cleaning up, now that I'm 15,i just have these messed up thoughts about murder, I don't wanna kill or take an innocent person's life. And looking back I've been such a burden to my whole family ever since my day of birth, my mother (I'm sorry mom) works abroad since I was 6, and I think I'm just wasting money that she sends my family for me and my sister, all this knowledge going to waste because of how I'm acting, and when I started to go to the gym months after my 14th birthday (I have poor memory sorry) I think it was September or August that I started in? My aunt first asked why I'm going to the gym being all hostile, and I just told her because I wanted to, but in reality I just hated how fat I looked, and I was a short manlet with a height of 5'5, I'm now 5'7 I still feel fat and short to everyone else in my school. And up to this day I still hate im short, smart but somehow turning dumb? I can't even look at basic math questions without my brain short circuiting, and I also didn't want to be alone, but I was also the most made fun of in my 'friend' group, I was ugly and an overall weird person, they said. if only I was handsome maybe my weirdness would've been accepted. Sometimes I feel empty and have no purpose in life, and I know how I feel, but I cant do anything about it, because if I either told my family they'd either blame my phone (which is my only source of happiness thanks to my beloved online friends, and her) or give me a lecture about wasting my brain, now I can't stand up and walk properly because I'll be out of breath and either have no sense of balance, but I'll catch anything that falls really quick if I'm just really focused on doing the work, and lately I've been getting these uncomfortable thoughts about murder. Before the website WPD got banned in my country, I watched it at first, got disgusted and sick of seeing a person vomit their guts and blood out, but then months and days go by, I was asked by my cousin to join a problematic server from the app discord, where I met my online friends, they were cool and kind, but also liked watching people die, which I wasn't fond of but tried getting used to it, so days go by, we're all watching in the website I try laughing with them, and then it's like something switched in me, suddenly I'm interested in seeing people die and see human insides in general. And so I have been getting thoughts, what if I did that to a person in real life? Would it give me the same excitement and rush? I don't like it, I know how I feel but it's because my mind never stops talking, and I say NEVER. Please give some advice.

I really hope your alright. Keep your head up and look forward to exploring and travelling the world.

 

[andreiisdone]

well, I tried to read the entire thing bc I remember typing essays on org a while back, if ur concern is being a serial killer idk how to help you with that but I used to have violent thoughts and hurtful tendencies and I shook them off by trying to be more empathetic and realize everyone’s life is just as complex as mine even tho it might be better quality. About school and societal pressure, I was always an ND but I was more like a class clown growing up unintentionally because people thought the way I acted was funny and weird so I just took it and ran but in recent years I just focused on myself and my future and that helped my life trajectory lots.

 

[Glorious King]