ElySioNs
Mercenary
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- Feb 7, 2021
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So I know that this is shitty of me. Something horrible like this happens to her and I’m thinking about how it effects me? I know this. But I also know that how I’m feeling in this relationship is going to effect the quality of the relationship and it’s not fair to either of us to have this linger. I can’t control how I feel and so I’m confronting it. But I can control how I act and what I do next which is where I turn to you.
We’ve been dating for a little over six months. She’s fantastic and gets me on levels no one has. We share so many things and communication game is good. I’ve known she was in a bad abusive relationship (beatings, rape, emotional abuse, the works) before for awhile. Lasted a year and ended eight months ago (only two months before me which is short, Ik). Ive been trying to help her through it at her own pace and tho I can be pushy at times largely I just want to see her be able to live as best she can with this. It’s been good and she tells me it’s a lot better thanks to me.
Recently she told me something. On one occasion where he forced himself on her and raped her she told me that she felt guilty about something. Something that eats her up inside. I asked what. She told me that she “sorta” liked it. Obviously I was confused by this. I asked her to tell me more and there were a lot of “idk” “sorta” “maybe” and lots of “but I definitely didn’t like it the whole time” and “only for one second”. I got the feeling she was seriously downplaying it and she would say things like “you can’t expect to be fucked and not feel good”. That fucked me up. She went on (me stupidly and selfishly prompting her to) to say that she liked the roughness and being held down. She said he was trying harder and had rhythm this time. She hates that she liked it but she did. Later in the conversation it changed from her liking it “for a second” to her just liking it that time and not resisting. She swears that was the only one she liked but (I hate to say this) I don’t know whether that’s true.
It got me fucked up. I scoured articles and everything to try and understand. I come across plenty of survivors and doctors who say it’s totally normal for your body to do that. To feel arousal while being raped. It’s a sort of defense mechanism. I show her this half to make her feel better and half to make me (scumbag, I know). She says that’s not really it. It wasn’t like her body betrayed her. She just kinda liked it.
That killed me.
Obviously I’m not upset with HER, but I can’t pretend that it doesn’t have me mentally screwed a little. Does anyone have experience with this? I would’ve put it in a rape oriented sub but I thought it’d be insulting to talk about how it makes ME feel. plus I need advice on how to approach this. I already told her it upsets me and I don’t wanna keep bringing it up. And Ik it upsets HER so much more (obviously). And I know it’s my own insecurities about her wanting that and my ignorance to what that’s like. How do I get over this? Thanks for any comments. I appreciate if you read this at all. Any help is valued. Thanks.
EDIT: Look at my reply to NotwithstandingNick’s response. Is the REAL problem essentially.
So I know that this is shitty of me. Something horrible like this happens to her and I’m thinking about how it effects me? I know this. But I also know that how I’m feeling in this relationship is going to effect the quality of the relationship and it’s not fair to either of us to have this linger. I can’t control how I feel and so I’m confronting it. But I can control how I act and what I do next which is where I turn to you.
We’ve been dating for a little over six months. She’s fantastic and gets me on levels no one has. We share so many things and communication game is good. I’ve known she was in a bad abusive relationship (beatings, rape, emotional abuse, the works) before for awhile. Lasted a year and ended eight months ago (only two months before me which is short, Ik). Ive been trying to help her through it at her own pace and tho I can be pushy at times largely I just want to see her be able to live as best she can with this. It’s been good and she tells me it’s a lot better thanks to me.
Recently she told me something. On one occasion where he forced himself on her and raped her she told me that she felt guilty about something. Something that eats her up inside. I asked what. She told me that she “sorta” liked it. Obviously I was confused by this. I asked her to tell me more and there were a lot of “idk” “sorta” “maybe” and lots of “but I definitely didn’t like it the whole time” and “only for one second”. I got the feeling she was seriously downplaying it and she would say things like “you can’t expect to be fucked and not feel good”. That fucked me up. She went on (me stupidly and selfishly prompting her to) to say that she liked the roughness and being held down. She said he was trying harder and had rhythm this time. She hates that she liked it but she did. Later in the conversation it changed from her liking it “for a second” to her just liking it that time and not resisting. She swears that was the only one she liked but (I hate to say this) I don’t know whether that’s true.
It got me fucked up. I scoured articles and everything to try and understand. I come across plenty of survivors and doctors who say it’s totally normal for your body to do that. To feel arousal while being raped. It’s a sort of defense mechanism. I show her this half to make her feel better and half to make me (scumbag, I know). She says that’s not really it. It wasn’t like her body betrayed her. She just kinda liked it.
That killed me.
Obviously I’m not upset with HER, but I can’t pretend that it doesn’t have me mentally screwed a little. Does anyone have experience with this? I would’ve put it in a rape oriented sub but I thought it’d be insulting to talk about how it makes ME feel. plus I need advice on how to approach this. I already told her it upsets me and I don’t wanna keep bringing it up. And Ik it upsets HER so much more (obviously). And I know it’s my own insecurities about her wanting that and my ignorance to what that’s like. How do I get over this? Thanks for any comments. I appreciate if you read this at all. Any help is valued. Thanks.
EDIT: Look at my reply to NotwithstandingNick’s response. Is the REAL problem essentially.
