Chara
Filled with Determination
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2025
- Posts
- 337
- Reputation
- 423
INTRODUCTION (You can skip this)
Hey guys! I'm not a new user but I wasn't really active before and have decided to create a new account. I'm na 18 year old boy who has serious cosmetic issues as I'm sure a lot of you can relate. Recently I've become quite complacent in life as I've accepted a defeated/fatalist mentality. I am severely autistic and have very poor sleep which I'm sure has cost me a lot of lost intelligence over the years. I don't have really any redeeming qualities as a person. I'm a grown adult who is not on any path to success or any sort of meaningful life. But I so desperately long for affection, purpose, and love as do many of us, and so I will never let go completely of hope. For my own sanity.
STORY TIME
I am extremely poor. I live in a borderline slum. There's some houses here and there that are nice, but overall it's a lot of stray dogs and old people walking around looking for odd jobs to maintain their family. My father works as a small engine repairman, where I help him on and off. I make pennies like this, but it's something. I probably rake in like $50 a month. Over the years I've accumulated some money, but as a youngin I would waste it on things I now deem useless like video games and whatnot. Anyways, after a whole year of studying lookism and not taking any action in my life, I bought testosterone. I was mostly inspired by @androgenic who when I first got on the site had already deleted all his posts so he was like this mysterious figure to me, and his later posting on social media made the idea all the more appealing to me. I thought I could be like him. I mean, if he could do it... why couldn't I? My friend, who some of you may know from an old HGH related guide @dannydipps/Seong Gi Hun (He isn't on here anymore) helped me acquire it since I can't directly order things to my house since my parents are on top of the mail. 4 vials of testosterone. Running it at a dosage of even 500 mg would've lasted me months. Crazy. I held on to it for about a month since I thought I was magically going to find a time and place to get needles. News flash, that wasn't happening since I have no car nor means of isolation. My parents like to keep me pretty sheltered in my depressing dilapidated room. I once again had to receive help from my friend to receive needles and syringes. So, I do my first pin. It took me a few days to muster up the courage to do so because the thought of pinning a needle in my ass scared me.
First pin. I'm scared shitless, but I'm determined to pull through with this action, because I have to ASCEND and earn my place as a human being. I on the spot looked up where to pin and whatnot. I place this shit on my cheek and try to penetrate. It wouldn't quite pierce through and hurt in a weird tingly way so I pulled out. A bit of blood leaked out. Obviously I had lost sterility in my drawing needle at this point and should've realistically swapped out but I only have 100 of these suckers and I can't waste them.
I go in. It fucking hurts, but I inject the oil. It felt a bit off but I picked up my trousers and went on with my day. I begin to feel a warm sensation. Bad sign. But I go on with my day and fall asleep.
Next day. PAIN. I have a huge swelling, and lump in my ass and it fucking hurts. I try not start freaking out at this point but I look up my issues and see mentions of infection and given my circumstances I have no easy way to deal with that. The next day, the pain is worse and the heat has increased and worst of all, I have begun to lose sensation in my leg. Fuck. Now I'm really freaking out since well if it worsens then I have to tell my parents and they'd be really mad to say the least. I post about it on reddit and get a lot of feedback telling me I'm fine and that they'd all been through it at some point, so that was a least a bit comforting. I decide to give it one more day and take some anti inflammatory drugs to help with the swelling. Thankfully, everything subsided pretty much the next day. My mom saw the anti inflammatories on my desk and asked me about them and I was just like yeah idk jfl. The next pin I do in my delt since somebody told me they did it there and I was partially traumatized from my previous injection. I did 2 of those until I got caught.
I don't know why but I needed my wallet and I asked my mom if she'd seen it. Massive mistake. She starts turning my room upside down and I start panicking as she gets closer to the stash. I go up and say uhh yeah I think you should go I'll just find it. She did not bite and kept looking until she saw a syringe. IT'S OVER. I immediately begin getting interrogated. She begins spamming the opening of every drawer. And I try to sneakily grab my test vials and sneak them in my pocket. UNFORTUNATELY, this did not slip past her and she asks me what the fuck I have. I tell her I'm not giving it to her and then she threatens to tell my semi nutjob father about it so I hand it over. $200 worth of steroids. Gone just like that. I don't hear about it for a while. One day she begins questioning me on why I need that stuff and I kind of just shut it down. I was bummed and it kind of ruined my next few weeks. Later, she found some of my ancillaries and freaked the fuck out. She cries asking me why I'm doing this and I just stare at her blankly knowing she'll both never understand the mechanisms behind these drugs as well as why I need their effects. She again threatened to tell my father but at this point I was so demoralized I didn't even care anymore. She storms away. I receive a call from my older brother who was working at the time. I ignored it. I then received a message of him stating he wasn't mad and just wanted to talk to me since our mother was worried. He told me he convinced our mother not to inform my father of what had occurred. My mom comes into my room and hugs me telling me she'll be here for me no matter what and that if I ever need anything I can tell her. I'm a pretty isolated person who doesn't talk to anyone, including my parents, so they feel this sorrowful detachment from me. All I told her was that I wanted to go to the doctor for a sleep study. Later, I go to my brother's house and he's a bit more receptive so I try to give a somewhat non autistic brief of the black pill and why I'm doing what I am. He gives me some blue pill about how I'm a good looking guy and don't need to be doing this. Whatever though, I was just happy to be out of the house for a while. He did ask me to promise him I wouldn't do anything like this again although when I refused to do so he kind of gave up. I went back home and had a very introspective shower. I did some bonesmashing which wasn't even a staple in my routine. Maybe I convinced myself at the time I needed some sort of pillar to keep my head in the looksmax game, but looking back I probably just wanted to inflict pain on the me that had become such an undignified mess.
EPILOGUE.
I sort of just LDARed after. Skipped and failed all my classes. Semester's not over but... It's over. I lost all hope, fell into a super depressive state, but as they say you can only hit rock bottom once. After my spirit had become so crushed, sparks began to show themselves in reality like hawking particles or whatever they're called. I still have an unwavering desire to live a life that I can be proud of.
AND SO I WILL BE STARTING TRENBOLONE SOON. STAY TUNED.
Ps. sorry for the word fest lol.
Hey guys! I'm not a new user but I wasn't really active before and have decided to create a new account. I'm na 18 year old boy who has serious cosmetic issues as I'm sure a lot of you can relate. Recently I've become quite complacent in life as I've accepted a defeated/fatalist mentality. I am severely autistic and have very poor sleep which I'm sure has cost me a lot of lost intelligence over the years. I don't have really any redeeming qualities as a person. I'm a grown adult who is not on any path to success or any sort of meaningful life. But I so desperately long for affection, purpose, and love as do many of us, and so I will never let go completely of hope. For my own sanity.
STORY TIME
I am extremely poor. I live in a borderline slum. There's some houses here and there that are nice, but overall it's a lot of stray dogs and old people walking around looking for odd jobs to maintain their family. My father works as a small engine repairman, where I help him on and off. I make pennies like this, but it's something. I probably rake in like $50 a month. Over the years I've accumulated some money, but as a youngin I would waste it on things I now deem useless like video games and whatnot. Anyways, after a whole year of studying lookism and not taking any action in my life, I bought testosterone. I was mostly inspired by @androgenic who when I first got on the site had already deleted all his posts so he was like this mysterious figure to me, and his later posting on social media made the idea all the more appealing to me. I thought I could be like him. I mean, if he could do it... why couldn't I? My friend, who some of you may know from an old HGH related guide @dannydipps/Seong Gi Hun (He isn't on here anymore) helped me acquire it since I can't directly order things to my house since my parents are on top of the mail. 4 vials of testosterone. Running it at a dosage of even 500 mg would've lasted me months. Crazy. I held on to it for about a month since I thought I was magically going to find a time and place to get needles. News flash, that wasn't happening since I have no car nor means of isolation. My parents like to keep me pretty sheltered in my depressing dilapidated room. I once again had to receive help from my friend to receive needles and syringes. So, I do my first pin. It took me a few days to muster up the courage to do so because the thought of pinning a needle in my ass scared me.
First pin. I'm scared shitless, but I'm determined to pull through with this action, because I have to ASCEND and earn my place as a human being. I on the spot looked up where to pin and whatnot. I place this shit on my cheek and try to penetrate. It wouldn't quite pierce through and hurt in a weird tingly way so I pulled out. A bit of blood leaked out. Obviously I had lost sterility in my drawing needle at this point and should've realistically swapped out but I only have 100 of these suckers and I can't waste them.
I go in. It fucking hurts, but I inject the oil. It felt a bit off but I picked up my trousers and went on with my day. I begin to feel a warm sensation. Bad sign. But I go on with my day and fall asleep.
Next day. PAIN. I have a huge swelling, and lump in my ass and it fucking hurts. I try not start freaking out at this point but I look up my issues and see mentions of infection and given my circumstances I have no easy way to deal with that. The next day, the pain is worse and the heat has increased and worst of all, I have begun to lose sensation in my leg. Fuck. Now I'm really freaking out since well if it worsens then I have to tell my parents and they'd be really mad to say the least. I post about it on reddit and get a lot of feedback telling me I'm fine and that they'd all been through it at some point, so that was a least a bit comforting. I decide to give it one more day and take some anti inflammatory drugs to help with the swelling. Thankfully, everything subsided pretty much the next day. My mom saw the anti inflammatories on my desk and asked me about them and I was just like yeah idk jfl. The next pin I do in my delt since somebody told me they did it there and I was partially traumatized from my previous injection. I did 2 of those until I got caught.
I don't know why but I needed my wallet and I asked my mom if she'd seen it. Massive mistake. She starts turning my room upside down and I start panicking as she gets closer to the stash. I go up and say uhh yeah I think you should go I'll just find it. She did not bite and kept looking until she saw a syringe. IT'S OVER. I immediately begin getting interrogated. She begins spamming the opening of every drawer. And I try to sneakily grab my test vials and sneak them in my pocket. UNFORTUNATELY, this did not slip past her and she asks me what the fuck I have. I tell her I'm not giving it to her and then she threatens to tell my semi nutjob father about it so I hand it over. $200 worth of steroids. Gone just like that. I don't hear about it for a while. One day she begins questioning me on why I need that stuff and I kind of just shut it down. I was bummed and it kind of ruined my next few weeks. Later, she found some of my ancillaries and freaked the fuck out. She cries asking me why I'm doing this and I just stare at her blankly knowing she'll both never understand the mechanisms behind these drugs as well as why I need their effects. She again threatened to tell my father but at this point I was so demoralized I didn't even care anymore. She storms away. I receive a call from my older brother who was working at the time. I ignored it. I then received a message of him stating he wasn't mad and just wanted to talk to me since our mother was worried. He told me he convinced our mother not to inform my father of what had occurred. My mom comes into my room and hugs me telling me she'll be here for me no matter what and that if I ever need anything I can tell her. I'm a pretty isolated person who doesn't talk to anyone, including my parents, so they feel this sorrowful detachment from me. All I told her was that I wanted to go to the doctor for a sleep study. Later, I go to my brother's house and he's a bit more receptive so I try to give a somewhat non autistic brief of the black pill and why I'm doing what I am. He gives me some blue pill about how I'm a good looking guy and don't need to be doing this. Whatever though, I was just happy to be out of the house for a while. He did ask me to promise him I wouldn't do anything like this again although when I refused to do so he kind of gave up. I went back home and had a very introspective shower. I did some bonesmashing which wasn't even a staple in my routine. Maybe I convinced myself at the time I needed some sort of pillar to keep my head in the looksmax game, but looking back I probably just wanted to inflict pain on the me that had become such an undignified mess.
EPILOGUE.
I sort of just LDARed after. Skipped and failed all my classes. Semester's not over but... It's over. I lost all hope, fell into a super depressive state, but as they say you can only hit rock bottom once. After my spirit had become so crushed, sparks began to show themselves in reality like hawking particles or whatever they're called. I still have an unwavering desire to live a life that I can be proud of.
AND SO I WILL BE STARTING TRENBOLONE SOON. STAY TUNED.
Ps. sorry for the word fest lol.
