hax
esoteric prob
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2025
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TLDR: I HAVE UNCONTROLLABLE, ANIMALISTIC URGES. SOMETIMES WANTING TO PUNCH, BITE, OR EVEN LICK PEOPLE AND I’M SCARED I MIGHT ACT ON THEM.
IMPORTANT: if you’re not willing to take this thread seriously or participate, you can click off right away, this is for the educated people. to clear things up, i am not posting this for attention or shock value. most of the information i will most likely regret sharing later on in life but i need various thoughts and opinions regarding the situation.
yes i am aware this is another "dnr" worthy thread
IMPORTANT: if you’re not willing to take this thread seriously or participate, you can click off right away, this is for the educated people. to clear things up, i am not posting this for attention or shock value. most of the information i will most likely regret sharing later on in life but i need various thoughts and opinions regarding the situation.
yes i am aware this is another "dnr" worthy thread
for context, i’ve shared a lot on this forum about my thoughts and my internal state of mind. for as long as i can remember, i’ve always had very strong impulse and anger issues, possibly linked to my health or other similar underlying factors. these impulses don’t feel like your typical mood swings or irritation. they feel primal, animalistic and disconnected from what i would consider a “normal human reaction”. i’m trying to trace the origins of these thoughts and why they exist in the first place.
when i’m in public spaces, especially around people who annoy or overstimulate me in any way, i suddenly have intrusive urges to act hostile toward them or get them to stay away from me. this isn’t just irritation or anger, it’s an overwhelming and strong physical impulse to harm them, as in wanting to punch them, bite them, or do something so retarded that they’ll get scared and keep their distance with me. i am fully aware that these thoughts are inappropriate which is exactly why they scare me, but awareness alone doesn’t make the urges disappear.
these numerous impulses feel random, intense, and largely disconnected from my actual values or intentions in the present moment, meaning i never know when they will happen. at the same time, their source feels easily traceable back to my internal emotional state and other parts of me, like they’re expressing some unmet need, frustration, or overload that i can’t properly process or release in a normal way. most of these urges are actually easily traceable back to the things i enjoy, the content i consume or the fetishes i've previously had.
i get overwhelmed extremely easily by my surroundings, expectations or stress, and when that happens it feels like i stop being myself entirely. it’s like my mind wants to turn me into something else, something non human, just to escape the situation at last. i want to turn into an animal and just remove all stress and social pressure. this always manifests as thoughts of doing embarrassing, disruptive or extreme things, almost like my brain is trying to force me out of the environment that surrounds me altogether. what makes this even worse is that i feel intense shame and self disgust afterward paired with a strong envy towards those things at the same time, these thoughts don’t align with how i want to be seen but do align with who i truly want to be, even though i struggle to accept this and feel conflicted about it, yet they still feel like they come uncontrollably from inside me.
there have been many situations, especially when traveling or being in unfamiliar places, where i’ve seen extremely attractive people and felt disturbingly instinctive urges toward them. not romantic or normal attraction like wanting to fuck them, but things like wanting to lick them, grab onto their leg or physically attach myself to them in some humiliating feral way. the best explanation i can find is a severe lack of romantic touch paired with the shit i've been reading online, but simply knowing that doesn’t make the urges less disturbing, as they remain thoughts and fantasies, despite the fact that i’ve come extremely close to acting on them.
i also experience impulsive thoughts about touching or grabbing people, despite knowing it’s socially unacceptable and i don’t want to act on them without consent. i don’t want to act on these urges because acting on them would have severe consequences and could get me in serious trouble, even though the underlying impulses still feel aligned with who i truly want to be, especially when amplified by the extreme media i’ve been exposed to. i’ve already come insanely close to doing so on multiple occasions, stopping only because i suddenly freeze or mentally play out the consequences in my head. this is the reason for this thread, these urges have been getting stronger over time, and i’m genuinely afraid that at some point i won’t be able to control myself at all and will face severe consequences.
these impulses don’t happen once or twice. they repeat over time, in different situations, with different people, and that pattern is what worries me the most. as i said i can only link this to my fatishes/kinks and natural instincts having no restriction due to the recent disregard and lack of connection towards society. i don’t want to fully acknowledge how obsessed i am with these thoughts because i know most of them are unlikely to ever happen. if they could happen with consent i wouldn’t reject them outright, but since they almost certainly won’t, i try to distance myself from them instead.
i thank anyone who read this fully from the bottom of my heart and sincerely apologize as most of these passages were translated with ai due to my limited english vocabulary. the way i express myself overall isn’t very precise or enjoyable to read, i want to make it a minimum good for whoever actually read this.
