illusion
Forefront of the Anti-Rotter Movement
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Hello everyone, I recently posted a thread a few days ago about my friend’s suicide (rest in peace,) and while I attempted to leave it off on a hopeful note, it is still an extremely sad story and it does have a bad ending. So I’ve decided to fully open up and share my own story, as I am alive and pushing.
As I’ve previously stated in previous threads, I never had many friends growing up. I was not a good looking child and was fairly ND and shy. During my elementary school years, I was viewed as a freak. My face was ripped out of the class photo by a classmate as a prank on me once and I was so lonely and desperate for friends that one time I tried arranging a birthday party as I had seen that my classmates and kids my age really liked those types of things, and hand made 29 cards for all my classmates personally inviting each of them to my birthday. I passed them out a few days before my birthday in the morning at the start of class. Not a single person showed up, and I remember seeing the trash can at the corner of the room filled with the invites I had made at the end of the day. This led me to be extremely reserved and I would basically worship anyone that gave me the time of day and was even slightly nice to me, I still remember a highschool girl complimenting my hat from all those years ago.
Progressing into middle school, not any progress was made. I was an outcast yet again, and I was not good or even average looking in the slightest. I had unappealing clothes and I didn’t know how to act, which led me to be viewed by the entirety of the school as a weirdo. I would still get picked on heavily although it was never physical as I had a single halo, my height, being significantly taller than almost everyone my age. However this acted more as a pedestal for everyone to see the weirdo I was framed as. Despite being tall my entire life, from elementary school all the way to the start of high school, I was never complimented once on my height. At some point at the end of my middle school year, multiple people made videos mocking my yearbook photo, which got tens of thousands of likes each. Not a single person signed my yearbook or wanted me to sign theirs. I was never involved much in anything, I would go to school and go home and rot.
Going into highschool, again nothing changed. I resorted to being a jester for attention as people seemed to tolerate me and not view me so much as this outcast if I was a little funny occasionally, and it became my personality. However 6 months into my freshman year, one of my only close friends committed suicide, and I felt as if it was heavily my fault (https://looksmax.org/threads/my-friends-suicide-why-i-got-into-lookism-and-blackpill.1903716/ read this if you want context,) so I ended up into an extremely depressing spiral. The one time anyone had ever noticed my one outlying feature, was most likely linked to their suicide. I signed up to a forum known as SaSu at the age of 14 and a month in, I had progressed heavily on there and had bought a suicide kit utilizing Sodium Nitrite, the same kit my friend had used to commit suicide.
I was following a guide on the forum utilized by a popular member that had also previously committed suicide using it and went through with it. I still remember the thread itself and the schedule for it.
Day 1 & 2:
8:00 A.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
4:00 P.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
12:00 A.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
I took it and went through with it as written.
Day 3: The Day of Death
8:00 - 1 X 10mg Meto
4:00 P.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
4:00 P.M. - Begin Fast
Between 4 and 10 PM I was fasting and just waiting. I was set to die at 12AM that day, which was when I would take the final SN to end my life.
The worst part was the anticipation, while I wanted to die, waiting to die was a different type of mental state. However I was fully committed. Up to this point I hadn’t done much research on what sodium nitrite does, I was just convinced that it would kill me 100%, which was all I cared for. I spent the final few hours I believed I had to make a video and “will,” of my few limited belongings for my family to get after I died. That day, a movie was playing on my TV. It was Finding Nemo.
At 10:00 P.M. I had to withdraw fluids and at 11 I was supposed to take my final few medications in the kit before the big SN dose at 12 A.M. At 10:58, 2 minutes before I was supposed to take some of my final doses, I walked through my living room and I saw this scene playing on the TV:
I found it a little funny and decided to stick around to watch the movie fully, and a little before the movie ended, I had this strong urge to look up what was going to happen to me anyways, and I found out the truth about my method. Sodium Nitrite is an extremely painful way of suicide used for its guaranteed lethality, not painlessness. It suffocates your entire body by stopping oxygen from going into your blood, getting you to vomit and essentially killing you by turning you into a human raisin. This scared me enough to not go through with the rest of the medication as I figured that if I die, I should at least have the mercy of a calm death, not a painful one.
So I didn’t take the rest of my medication and threw the rest of the kit away and went to sleep. I gave it one more day. I didn’t log back into SaSu, and I just rotted at my house for a few months.
Eventually I got into this place, lurked for a while and then finally made an account. I started looking better, and I got with my girlfriend who I’ve been with until now. I have a fairly large friend group now. They invite me to go out with them, and they enjoy being my friend. I forced myself to be more NT and low inhib, and over time my awkwardness has went down and I’ve become a lot more social. It’s still surreal to me that people want to talk to me, not against their will or for a project or something. It’s surreal when people shake my hand or dap me up or sit next to me, I’m not viewed as a disgusting weirdo by people anymore.
I’ve ascended quite a bit now and things are a lot better, and I dedicate my time to helping people here and other places as well as doing the most to ascend. People don’t call me hideous anymore, people take my opinion on girls I like seriously without laughing at me, people say that they’ll invite me to parties and hangouts whenever. People say they are my friends, and I am so happy I lived to experience this. I am so much happier now, I am so happy that I saw that stupid movie line that night, and stuck around. It was worth it, it got better, and it will always get better.
Never give up, there is always something to work for, something to live for. If not for others, do it for yourself. I know it’s stupid, and you may not take me seriously now or insult me or ridicule my story, but whatever you do, please just give it one more day. Just another day, go out and do something you like. Go to an arcade, go get something good to eat. This life is yours, there will never be another one, so instead of being cynical and saying “thank god,” work to enjoy the limited time you have. I promise there is something to live for. If you ever need someone to talk to, never hesitate to message me or get any type of help. It’s out there, it’s not a dark world, people want to see you live, I want to see each one of you live and succeed, and I wish even more than you want to see yourself live and succeed. The world is yours.
I’d like to finish this thread with a quote I saw taped to a locker in 8th grade, probably one of the worst times of my life:
Time heals everything, give it time.
As I’ve previously stated in previous threads, I never had many friends growing up. I was not a good looking child and was fairly ND and shy. During my elementary school years, I was viewed as a freak. My face was ripped out of the class photo by a classmate as a prank on me once and I was so lonely and desperate for friends that one time I tried arranging a birthday party as I had seen that my classmates and kids my age really liked those types of things, and hand made 29 cards for all my classmates personally inviting each of them to my birthday. I passed them out a few days before my birthday in the morning at the start of class. Not a single person showed up, and I remember seeing the trash can at the corner of the room filled with the invites I had made at the end of the day. This led me to be extremely reserved and I would basically worship anyone that gave me the time of day and was even slightly nice to me, I still remember a highschool girl complimenting my hat from all those years ago.
Progressing into middle school, not any progress was made. I was an outcast yet again, and I was not good or even average looking in the slightest. I had unappealing clothes and I didn’t know how to act, which led me to be viewed by the entirety of the school as a weirdo. I would still get picked on heavily although it was never physical as I had a single halo, my height, being significantly taller than almost everyone my age. However this acted more as a pedestal for everyone to see the weirdo I was framed as. Despite being tall my entire life, from elementary school all the way to the start of high school, I was never complimented once on my height. At some point at the end of my middle school year, multiple people made videos mocking my yearbook photo, which got tens of thousands of likes each. Not a single person signed my yearbook or wanted me to sign theirs. I was never involved much in anything, I would go to school and go home and rot.
Going into highschool, again nothing changed. I resorted to being a jester for attention as people seemed to tolerate me and not view me so much as this outcast if I was a little funny occasionally, and it became my personality. However 6 months into my freshman year, one of my only close friends committed suicide, and I felt as if it was heavily my fault (https://looksmax.org/threads/my-friends-suicide-why-i-got-into-lookism-and-blackpill.1903716/ read this if you want context,) so I ended up into an extremely depressing spiral. The one time anyone had ever noticed my one outlying feature, was most likely linked to their suicide. I signed up to a forum known as SaSu at the age of 14 and a month in, I had progressed heavily on there and had bought a suicide kit utilizing Sodium Nitrite, the same kit my friend had used to commit suicide.
I was following a guide on the forum utilized by a popular member that had also previously committed suicide using it and went through with it. I still remember the thread itself and the schedule for it.
Day 1 & 2:
8:00 A.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
4:00 P.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
12:00 A.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
I took it and went through with it as written.
Day 3: The Day of Death
8:00 - 1 X 10mg Meto
4:00 P.M. - 1 X 10mg Meto
4:00 P.M. - Begin Fast
Between 4 and 10 PM I was fasting and just waiting. I was set to die at 12AM that day, which was when I would take the final SN to end my life.
The worst part was the anticipation, while I wanted to die, waiting to die was a different type of mental state. However I was fully committed. Up to this point I hadn’t done much research on what sodium nitrite does, I was just convinced that it would kill me 100%, which was all I cared for. I spent the final few hours I believed I had to make a video and “will,” of my few limited belongings for my family to get after I died. That day, a movie was playing on my TV. It was Finding Nemo.
At 10:00 P.M. I had to withdraw fluids and at 11 I was supposed to take my final few medications in the kit before the big SN dose at 12 A.M. At 10:58, 2 minutes before I was supposed to take some of my final doses, I walked through my living room and I saw this scene playing on the TV:
I found it a little funny and decided to stick around to watch the movie fully, and a little before the movie ended, I had this strong urge to look up what was going to happen to me anyways, and I found out the truth about my method. Sodium Nitrite is an extremely painful way of suicide used for its guaranteed lethality, not painlessness. It suffocates your entire body by stopping oxygen from going into your blood, getting you to vomit and essentially killing you by turning you into a human raisin. This scared me enough to not go through with the rest of the medication as I figured that if I die, I should at least have the mercy of a calm death, not a painful one.
So I didn’t take the rest of my medication and threw the rest of the kit away and went to sleep. I gave it one more day. I didn’t log back into SaSu, and I just rotted at my house for a few months.
Eventually I got into this place, lurked for a while and then finally made an account. I started looking better, and I got with my girlfriend who I’ve been with until now. I have a fairly large friend group now. They invite me to go out with them, and they enjoy being my friend. I forced myself to be more NT and low inhib, and over time my awkwardness has went down and I’ve become a lot more social. It’s still surreal to me that people want to talk to me, not against their will or for a project or something. It’s surreal when people shake my hand or dap me up or sit next to me, I’m not viewed as a disgusting weirdo by people anymore.
I’ve ascended quite a bit now and things are a lot better, and I dedicate my time to helping people here and other places as well as doing the most to ascend. People don’t call me hideous anymore, people take my opinion on girls I like seriously without laughing at me, people say that they’ll invite me to parties and hangouts whenever. People say they are my friends, and I am so happy I lived to experience this. I am so much happier now, I am so happy that I saw that stupid movie line that night, and stuck around. It was worth it, it got better, and it will always get better.
Never give up, there is always something to work for, something to live for. If not for others, do it for yourself. I know it’s stupid, and you may not take me seriously now or insult me or ridicule my story, but whatever you do, please just give it one more day. Just another day, go out and do something you like. Go to an arcade, go get something good to eat. This life is yours, there will never be another one, so instead of being cynical and saying “thank god,” work to enjoy the limited time you have. I promise there is something to live for. If you ever need someone to talk to, never hesitate to message me or get any type of help. It’s out there, it’s not a dark world, people want to see you live, I want to see each one of you live and succeed, and I wish even more than you want to see yourself live and succeed. The world is yours.
I’d like to finish this thread with a quote I saw taped to a locker in 8th grade, probably one of the worst times of my life:
Time heals everything, give it time.
reading
