no one is coming

[gl0omy]

at some point I think I'll have to make peace with the fact that there just isn't anyone out there for me, not in a poetic 'wasn't at the right place at the right moment' kind of way, but in the colder more statistical sense that whatever combination of traits make up me, just doesn't register as human enough to be chosen, not in friendship, not in love, not even as something platonic

it's not even about looks, I'm not struggling with how I look, I don't think I've ever been rejected over them, I get plenty swipes, people compliment me and initially show curiosity, but it never roots, because that's all it gets you, they stop and look, but it doesn't make them stay, and they never stay

the limiting factor is just personality, and I don't mean that it's difficult in a romanticized messy cute way, I mean that whatever I am fundamentally doesn't fit, my baseline is just too overwhelming, too blunt and too odd, too me, I guess, I can try my best to write the right replies for a while and mirror their done, mimic enthusiasm, but there's always a point where the real texture of me shows through and that's when they always pull away

I used to think it was just about the 'right person' but after enough failed attempts and silences you start realizing, that there's no right person, maybe there's no demographic for you, there's no niche community, no secret corner of the internet where someone will hear you speak and get it without it sounding wrong

it's not that I'm misunderstood, I'm understood well enough for people to know they want less of me

so I think this is the part where I stop hoping, not out of melodrama, but because the data is is consistent, it's not a fear of rejection, it's just pattern recognition.

there's not romantic subplot waiting for me, no closeness coming, just the long quiet work of figuring out how to live with that, of carrying all this internal noise without ever having someone next to me and hear it without flinching

and that has to be enough, because that's all there is

I wish I could find solace in meaningless sex with women because that's quite easy to get, but I can't even do that.

i accepted the fact that i will mostly likely die alone theres no one out there for me i never felt like belong anywhere im alone i was always like that since the first conscious moment of my life

everyone dies alone