studiocel
virgin but not incel
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2020
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I’m a single mother of a young child and I say NTA. This modern do-whatever-you-want-and-call-it-self-care culture is out of control. This woman left a young child, who needs as much time with his parents as possible (and he already has less parental attention since clearly the father is not around less than a live-in father would be, if the mother is having one night stands), not for any really important reason, but to go have random sex with someone, who obviously doesn’t give a shit about her since it sounds like he’s a player, and he was willing to sneak her into his parents house for sex, aka not really in a place to even commit to anything real with anyone. Furthermore, she actually went to a grown man’s parents house to have sex. If she’s in her early 20s and a single mother of a young child, clearly she already made some bad choices (and I say this as a single mother of a very young child, although not as young as this woman, so I’m not just judging people but speak from experience). Rather than make up for those choices by giving her son the best life possible going forward and focusing on him during his most formative time, and on herself to improve herself during a key stage in her early 20s, she is presumably continuing to make choices for immediate self gratification rather than to build her and her son’s future.
If this was a one time freak occurrence? Fine. We all do irresponsible, fun things here and there that are purely selfish. But given she’s already made a massively bad decision that’s landed her a single mother in her early 20s - and forget modern la-la land black-is-white ideas - it ABSOLUTELY means she fucked up somewhere, whether she meant well or not, and she should now learn to grow up, put her kid and her own future first, and not worry about being fun and irresponsible for a while. Contrary to popular belief, you will not die without sex and male attention for a few years, and the first seven years, and even more so the first four years, of a child’s life are incredibly important and form the basis of pretty much everything about them - it can increase or decrease risk of severe mental illness later, addiction, the ability to focus and study and delay gratification, and even increase or decrease IQ points (or whatever measure of intelligence you want if you don’t like IQ), among hundreds of other things.
This woman clearly made a poor choice in arguably one of the most, if not the most, important decision you make in your life - the person you have a child with. How do I know? Because they’re not together anymore. She also obviously has issues with delayed gratification, a key, if not the most key, factor in success in life (many studies prove this). How do I know? She’s having one night stands with fuck boys who still live with their parents and crying on the parents couch in the morning. She now owes it to herself and her son to learn new habits, make new choices, put aside comfort and fun for a little, and learn how to make a completely different life. She will have plenty of time to have fun later. I also guarantee you that as an adult, her child probably will not say, “Wow, it was hard growing up mom, but I’m glad you took nights off from me to fuck random strangers.” Soon enough he will be a pre-teen and a teen, his formative years gone, and she can have a lot more freedom.
I have not had a relationship since my child was born (I left his father immediately after I had him for safety reasons). I haven’t dated, haven’t slept with anyone, and don’t expect to for at several years, at the very least until he’s in school, if not longer, and maybe never until he’s grown, if no one seems particularly worth the risk of bringing him around my child. I clearly made some really horrible choices to wind up having a child with a person like my child’s father, and need to do a lot of work on myself before I risk getting involved with someone else like that again, to the direct detriment of my child who will have to be around him, or will have to lose time and the emotional energy of his mother to deadbeats I’m going out with who he never meets.
It’s not that being a single mother is bad. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But it gives me important information - information I can use to change myself and make different choices, or I can ignore it, and keep making the same kind. Also, my child deserves every second he can get with me, while it really counts when he’s very young, unless there’s a very good reason I can’t be there like a work or health related reason. If this woman can’t even bear the tiny discomfort of not having sex with losers for a couple of years, that doesn’t bode well for her making better choices going forward for her and her kid. I’ve watched so many single mothers choose a deadbeat, abusive asshole over their own kids, because they can’t break the cycle of abuse and/or can’t bear to be alone for a little. This sort of thing is an addiction, a cycle or pattern of choosing the same kind of losers over and over because we don’t believe we deserve better, and just like an alcoholic or addict, it requires a period of abstinence where you work on yourself and heal yourself before going back out into that realm again.
As for this dad, give him a break. He wasn’t being a creep. He said himself he felt protective because his own wife went through this - the constant cycle of abusive assholes she dated which was clearly to the direct detriment of her own son, who is now reflecting those exact same fuckboy patterns because that’s the male role models his mother brought into the house while he was growing up. He was trying to be kind - did he do it in the most tactful way? I don’t know - depends on exactly how he said it. But he meant well, and we need to stop pretending that everyone can do whatever feels good whenever because there’s no rules and meaningful connections are a sham. That’s literally the plot of Brave New World and y’all need to wake the fuck up.
If this was a one time freak occurrence? Fine. We all do irresponsible, fun things here and there that are purely selfish. But given she’s already made a massively bad decision that’s landed her a single mother in her early 20s - and forget modern la-la land black-is-white ideas - it ABSOLUTELY means she fucked up somewhere, whether she meant well or not, and she should now learn to grow up, put her kid and her own future first, and not worry about being fun and irresponsible for a while. Contrary to popular belief, you will not die without sex and male attention for a few years, and the first seven years, and even more so the first four years, of a child’s life are incredibly important and form the basis of pretty much everything about them - it can increase or decrease risk of severe mental illness later, addiction, the ability to focus and study and delay gratification, and even increase or decrease IQ points (or whatever measure of intelligence you want if you don’t like IQ), among hundreds of other things.
This woman clearly made a poor choice in arguably one of the most, if not the most, important decision you make in your life - the person you have a child with. How do I know? Because they’re not together anymore. She also obviously has issues with delayed gratification, a key, if not the most key, factor in success in life (many studies prove this). How do I know? She’s having one night stands with fuck boys who still live with their parents and crying on the parents couch in the morning. She now owes it to herself and her son to learn new habits, make new choices, put aside comfort and fun for a little, and learn how to make a completely different life. She will have plenty of time to have fun later. I also guarantee you that as an adult, her child probably will not say, “Wow, it was hard growing up mom, but I’m glad you took nights off from me to fuck random strangers.” Soon enough he will be a pre-teen and a teen, his formative years gone, and she can have a lot more freedom.
I have not had a relationship since my child was born (I left his father immediately after I had him for safety reasons). I haven’t dated, haven’t slept with anyone, and don’t expect to for at several years, at the very least until he’s in school, if not longer, and maybe never until he’s grown, if no one seems particularly worth the risk of bringing him around my child. I clearly made some really horrible choices to wind up having a child with a person like my child’s father, and need to do a lot of work on myself before I risk getting involved with someone else like that again, to the direct detriment of my child who will have to be around him, or will have to lose time and the emotional energy of his mother to deadbeats I’m going out with who he never meets.
It’s not that being a single mother is bad. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But it gives me important information - information I can use to change myself and make different choices, or I can ignore it, and keep making the same kind. Also, my child deserves every second he can get with me, while it really counts when he’s very young, unless there’s a very good reason I can’t be there like a work or health related reason. If this woman can’t even bear the tiny discomfort of not having sex with losers for a couple of years, that doesn’t bode well for her making better choices going forward for her and her kid. I’ve watched so many single mothers choose a deadbeat, abusive asshole over their own kids, because they can’t break the cycle of abuse and/or can’t bear to be alone for a little. This sort of thing is an addiction, a cycle or pattern of choosing the same kind of losers over and over because we don’t believe we deserve better, and just like an alcoholic or addict, it requires a period of abstinence where you work on yourself and heal yourself before going back out into that realm again.
As for this dad, give him a break. He wasn’t being a creep. He said himself he felt protective because his own wife went through this - the constant cycle of abusive assholes she dated which was clearly to the direct detriment of her own son, who is now reflecting those exact same fuckboy patterns because that’s the male role models his mother brought into the house while he was growing up. He was trying to be kind - did he do it in the most tactful way? I don’t know - depends on exactly how he said it. But he meant well, and we need to stop pretending that everyone can do whatever feels good whenever because there’s no rules and meaningful connections are a sham. That’s literally the plot of Brave New World and y’all need to wake the fuck up.
