PsychoDsk
Just a guy | ᴀʀᴄʜɪᴛᴇᴄᴛ ᴏꜰ ꜰᴀᴛᴇ
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- Jan 8, 2024
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First vent in like 2 months yippie
I had a falling out with my mother and that entire side of the family. Just an awful period in my life.
This morning I had to pick up some stuff from her house and we’ve had a discussion and a genuine talk for the first time in about 2 months.
It was horrifying, the minute she saw me she bursted out in tears. Just begging for me to change and become the son I once was. She was constantly asking if all of it really didn’t matter to me and I barely could hold it together. I wanted to cry so bad but I just kept my cool and told her I didn’t feel like doing this and I don’t wanna see her again.
Then I went home and it just hit me all at once. Everytime someone actually loved me I always hurt them and push them away. I truly am incapable of love and connection. It hurts so much
The person that took care of me for almost 20 years just completely lost her life and her purpose and it’s all my fault. I don’t get it, I don’t understand why I’m like this.
That environment was toxic, and I always have my own interest at heart. I always do what’s best for me first and that was gtfo of there. Did that and completely destroyed all connections I had left.
I mean, I had to do what I had to do, I couldn’t become who I want to be with her in my life but man it hurts. It’s like my destiny is to be alone and crave love while never ever receiving it again.
To top it all off, after this happened I just took out all my frustrations on other people that deserve it the least, further alienating me from connection.
Don’t get me wrong I’m happy, I’m happy 90% of the time but sometimes it hits me that I’m just never gonna feel loved like the way I would years ago.
Holy life
All I ever wanted was to be free, love someone unconditionally and build a life of happiness and kids maybe. It just feels like all of that becomes harder and harder by the way life shaped me
But aye we ball. Maybe one day it works out like it’s supposed to and all of this despair is just a distant dream
I had a falling out with my mother and that entire side of the family. Just an awful period in my life.
This morning I had to pick up some stuff from her house and we’ve had a discussion and a genuine talk for the first time in about 2 months.
It was horrifying, the minute she saw me she bursted out in tears. Just begging for me to change and become the son I once was. She was constantly asking if all of it really didn’t matter to me and I barely could hold it together. I wanted to cry so bad but I just kept my cool and told her I didn’t feel like doing this and I don’t wanna see her again.
Then I went home and it just hit me all at once. Everytime someone actually loved me I always hurt them and push them away. I truly am incapable of love and connection. It hurts so much
The person that took care of me for almost 20 years just completely lost her life and her purpose and it’s all my fault. I don’t get it, I don’t understand why I’m like this.
That environment was toxic, and I always have my own interest at heart. I always do what’s best for me first and that was gtfo of there. Did that and completely destroyed all connections I had left.
I mean, I had to do what I had to do, I couldn’t become who I want to be with her in my life but man it hurts. It’s like my destiny is to be alone and crave love while never ever receiving it again.
To top it all off, after this happened I just took out all my frustrations on other people that deserve it the least, further alienating me from connection.
Don’t get me wrong I’m happy, I’m happy 90% of the time but sometimes it hits me that I’m just never gonna feel loved like the way I would years ago.
Holy life
All I ever wanted was to be free, love someone unconditionally and build a life of happiness and kids maybe. It just feels like all of that becomes harder and harder by the way life shaped me
But aye we ball. Maybe one day it works out like it’s supposed to and all of this despair is just a distant dream
