One year ago I decided to commit suicide

[Deleted member 6583]

It was around the when elden ring came out. I had a terrible incident happen to me at my school. It was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Going to school was already a nightmare; I had no friends, people saw me as the strange quiet guy, and I had a very high rate of missing school assignments due to my extremely low conscientiousness and dutifulness. I had also been absent from class frequently. Every day was a nightmare; I would wake up dreading going to school.

I went to school for almost a year before I couldn't take it anymore, and that's when the incident occurred; I don't even want to talk about it. It brings me sadness. After that I couldn't go to school anymore, I remember playing elden ring, while taking lisdexamfetamine, which usually works great for motivation, but this time it brought me dread. It's the most horrible emotion I've ever experienced.

I can't explain it, but it came in waves of pain that grew stronger and stronger until I couldn't bear it any longer and I would collapse in my bed, crying, hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. As the number of missed assignments and absences increased, I began to dread the inevitable email informing me that I had been expelled. This went on for a month.

It was at that point that I decided to commit suicide. I had had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, but I had never seriously considered it until then. I'd been trying to improve my life for years with no success; due to my lack of conscientiousness and dutifulness, I simply couldn't ascend despite my good qualities. I thought it was over. My parents were going to kick me out.

I was eventually expelled, but thankfully, my parents did not throw me out. And so I was relieved. I was finally free of school.
I haven't had suicidal thoughts since. The idea of killing myself is awful to me now.

I still have no friends, but I'm content. I am unable to experience loneliness.
I've still not had any results with looksmaxxing. I look worse now.
But I am moneymaxxing hard, and so I will hopefully get surgery soon.


@Danish_Retard
@TsarTsar444
@chaddyboi66

 

[TsarTsar444]

It was around the when elden ring came out. I had a terrible incident happen to me at my school. It was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Going to school was already a nightmare; I had no friends, people saw me as the strange quiet guy, and I had a very high rate of missing school assignments due to my extremely low conscientiousness and dutifulness. I had also been absent from class frequently. Every day was a nightmare; I would wake up dreading going to school.

I went to school for almost a year before I couldn't take it anymore, and that's when the incident occurred; I don't even want to talk about it. It brings me sadness. After that I couldn't go to school anymore, I remember playing elden ring, while taking lisdexamfetamine, which usually works great for motivation, but this time it brought me dread. It's the most horrible emotion I've ever experienced.

I can't explain it, but it came in waves of pain that grew stronger and stronger until I couldn't bear it any longer and I would collapse in my bed, crying, hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. As the number of missed assignments and absences increased, I began to dread the inevitable email informing me that I had been expelled. This went on for a month.

It was at that point that I decided to commit suicide. I had had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, but I had never seriously considered it until then. I'd been trying to improve my life for years with no success; due to my lack of conscientiousness and dutifulness, I simply couldn't ascend despite my good qualities. I thought it was over. My parents were going to kick me out.

I was eventually expelled, but thankfully, my parents did not throw me out. And so I was relieved. I was finally free of school.
I haven't had suicidal thoughts since. The idea of killing myself is awful to me now.

I still have no friends, but I'm content. I am unable to experience loneliness.
I've still not had any results with looksmaxxing. I look worse now.
But I am moneymaxxing hard, and so I will hopefully get surgery soon.


@Danish_Retard
@TsarTsar444
@chaddyboi66

Tbh this was literally me few months ago as well, felt so much dread that i fell in a swirl of agony everytime i would get reminded of my chores when at the same time being on my own for the first time, an apartment with one room in another city where my uni stuff was held back then, and imagine being put into a possition where you have to make your own food and sleep well all alone with a gaming rig Infront of you, beyond over at that point. I lost 15kg of weight during those 3 months, going from 82kg to 67kg, ended up looking like a Holocaust victim. And as for sleep, at my peak degenaracy i was sleeping only every second day of the month, you heard this right kek, in April i only slept for 15 days, the other 15 were all nighters, every one of them.

After i came home to my parents in summer, it feels like something changed about me slightly, i got so used to complete solitude for 3 months that i am till this day still less emotional with humans, emotional reactions to bad stuff are dampened as well, not leading to any suprises if i got myself a minor case of PTSD

Also i presume the loneliness part for you is mostly because of the stim? The reason i took amphetamines in my alone time those 3 months is precisely because it can make you survive solitude very easily, amphetamines make you selfish as it is, so i couldn't phantom a situation where i had to be alone there without it, unironically leading me to believe that it helped me by a decent measure, judging by the fact how even on a tolerance break this summer i felt close to my normal self, and this was thanks to the stimulant blocking my emotions so i could survive solitude for months together with no food and sleep.

 

[chaddyboi66]

It was around the when elden ring came out. I had a terrible incident happen to me at my school. It was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Going to school was already a nightmare; I had no friends, people saw me as the strange quiet guy, and I had a very high rate of missing school assignments due to my extremely low conscientiousness and dutifulness. I had also been absent from class frequently. Every day was a nightmare; I would wake up dreading going to school.

I went to school for almost a year before I couldn't take it anymore, and that's when the incident occurred; I don't even want to talk about it. It brings me sadness. After that I couldn't go to school anymore, I remember playing elden ring, while taking lisdexamfetamine, which usually works great for motivation, but this time it brought me dread. It's the most horrible emotion I've ever experienced.

I can't explain it, but it came in waves of pain that grew stronger and stronger until I couldn't bear it any longer and I would collapse in my bed, crying, hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. As the number of missed assignments and absences increased, I began to dread the inevitable email informing me that I had been expelled. This went on for a month.

It was at that point that I decided to commit suicide. I had had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, but I had never seriously considered it until then. I'd been trying to improve my life for years with no success; due to my lack of conscientiousness and dutifulness, I simply couldn't ascend despite my good qualities. I thought it was over. My parents were going to kick me out.

I was eventually expelled, but thankfully, my parents did not throw me out. And so I was relieved. I was finally free of school.
I haven't had suicidal thoughts since. The idea of killing myself is awful to me now.

I still have no friends, but I'm content. I am unable to experience loneliness.
I've still not had any results with looksmaxxing. I look worse now.
But I am moneymaxxing hard, and so I will hopefully get surgery soon.


@Danish_Retard
@TsarTsar444
@chaddyboi66

Your ADHD fucked you in the ass big time tbh which was already made worse by your poor school situation/social life, and I imagine the emotional pain you experienced when trying to play Elden Ring could be depression.

Your meds will help with your ADHD but you need to be careful not to take them while doing an activity you're sure you wouldn't mind getting addicted to like watching tv.

Probably the best [and severely underrated] single way to use amphetamine is to habituate yourself to activities you normally wouldn't like doing be it studying, reading, learning about something etc.

Taking amph on a whim or recreationally wastes most of its true potential [it can turn someone failing school into top of their class in less than a year for example], and it's not a good way to deal with depression since the dopamine roller coaster [even aside from just crashing] fucks you up long term, so you should rely on a decent anti-depressant instead [most people like bupropion as compared to common SSRIs].

Regardless of how [or rather when] you use your meds you should also take break days to give your brain and circulatory system time to recover since amph can be neurotoxic, and this will also help prevent side effects while also slowing down any quick build up in tolerance.


Although you were expelled you should still try to finish school or at least get credit via some program for adults/drop outs when you can, but moneymaxxing should be your main priority now.

At this point softmaxxing and gymceling should just be for the sake of your own health and well-being more than anything, and most big changes will really come from hardmaxxes like surgery [if you need it].


You should also try to start going outside when you get yourself settled a bit more later down the road, as it'll help you get used to being around people again.

From there it'll be up to you whether or not you want to try practicing interacting with people to improve your social skills, and I say that because it'll be quite difficult without friends but it's still possible.


Regardless of what choices you make from here on out I do hope they're good ones and I wish you the best. Let us know how you're doing from time to time, it'll also help keep yourself more accountable and aware of your own progress as time passes.

 

[Deleted member 6583]

imagine being put into a possition where you have to make your own food and sleep well all alone with a gaming rig Infront of you, beyond over at that point. I lost 15kg of weight during those 3 months, going from 82kg to 67kg, ended up looking like a Holocaust victim.

I live with my parents, but I prepare all of my own meals. I've been this way since I was a child. I just don't like what my parents cook.
I'm about 65kg at 182cm right now, so I think that's why I'm skinny.

And as for sleep, at my peak degenaracy i was sleeping only every second day of the month, you heard this right kek, in April i only slept for 15 days, the other 15 were all nighters, every one of them.

I feel that. I hate sleeping, but staying awake for 32 hours is also not fun.

After i came home to my parents in summer, it feels like something changed about me slightly, i got so used to complete solitude for 3 months that i am till this day still less emotional with humans, emotional reactions to bad stuff are dampened as well, not leading to any suprises if i got myself a minor case of PTSD

Also i presume the loneliness part for you is mostly because of the stim? The reason i took amphetamines in my alone time those 3 months is precisely because it can make you survive solitude very easily, amphetamines make you selfish as it is, so i couldn't phantom a situation where i had to be alone there without it, unironically leading me to believe that it helped me by a decent measure, judging by the fact how even on a tolerance break this summer i felt close to my normal self, and this was thanks to the stimulant blocking my emotions so i could survive solitude for months together with no food and sleep.

I withdrew from the public education system at the age of 13 and haven't maintained any friendships since that time. Surprisingly, I've never experienced a sense of loneliness. In fact, I find solace in solitude, a state I've comfortably existed in for the past seven years, whether I've been using amphetamines or not.

I surmise that these formative years of isolation have significantly altered my core personality. This transformation likely contributed to my diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder. I've come to accept that reverting to the social person I used to be—a young individual who socialized almost daily after school—is likely an impossibility. It is what it is.

Probably the best [and severely underrated] single way to use amphetamine is to habituate yourself to activities you normally wouldn't like doing be it studying, reading, learning about something etc.

This is how I got rid of my internet addiction and instead developed an addiction to game development.

so you should rely on a decent anti-depressant instead [most people like bupropion as compared to common SSRIs].

I've experimented with SSRIs, but the only noticeable effect was a loss of sensitivity in my dick. I've also requested bupropion and MAOIs from my psychiatrist, but those requests were denied.

It feels as though they're reluctant to prescribe medications that might actually be effective for me. I did manage to obtain some pharmaceutical drugs online previously, but my parents discovered this and now check all my packages, making online purchases no longer a viable option.

From there it'll be up to you whether or not you want to try practicing interacting with people to improve your social skills, and I say that because it'll be quite difficult without friends but it's still possible.

My plan for now is just to moneymaxx and then in 6 months to a year, I'll take a trip to Japan and utilize JBN (Just be nordic).

 

[Deleted member 23239]

Too much words too boring

 

[Deleted member 23239]

what hmm

who you expect to read your shit about your LOL . narcy utter retard

 

[Harakiri Fellatio]

Sorry you killed yourself.

 

[chaddyboi66]

I live with my parents, but I prepare all of my own meals. I've been this way since I was a child. I just don't like what my parents cook.
I'm about 65kg at 182cm right now, so I think that's why I'm skinny.


I feel that. I hate sleeping, but staying awake for 32 hours is also not fun.


I withdrew from the public education system at the age of 13 and haven't maintained any friendships since that time. Surprisingly, I've never experienced a sense of loneliness. In fact, I find solace in solitude, a state I've comfortably existed in for the past seven years, whether I've been using amphetamines or not.

I surmise that these formative years of isolation have significantly altered my core personality. This transformation likely contributed to my diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder. I've come to accept that reverting to the social person I used to be—a young individual who socialized almost daily after school—is likely an impossibility. It is what it is.


This is how I got rid of my internet addiction and instead developed an addiction to game development.

This is actually better news than what I initially expected to hear, because it means if you've already done it once then you can do it again.

Provided you give yourself adequate break time from both your meds [to resensitize yourself] and whatever activity you're currently habituated to [which will break the addiction] this could very easily rehabituate yourself to something else instead, but then again this is only assuming you'd really want that.

If you're content with where you are now then I see no reason to change, other than if it's not really what you want to do with your life or harms you in any way that is.

I've experimented with SSRIs, but the only noticeable effect was a loss of sensitivity in my dick. I've also requested bupropion and MAOIs from my psychiatrist, but those requests were denied.

Putting aside other probable factors [or just "reasons" they'd try to deny you at least], some psychs apparently worry about bupriopion's potential risk of "abuse" or even just potential recreational use as a [weak at best tbh] pseudo-party drug [when crushed and snorted or taken sublingually, injected, etc].

However, I find this reasoning to be quite flawed when considering how most of them [just as in your case ironically enough] are already willing to prescribe literal amphetamine, and yes even if it's just the prodrug variant it still doesn't change how potent it is -only how it's delivered- otherwise they wouldn't even bother using it tbh.

Also, the small risk for "abuse" associated with a few patients who themselves chose to use it irresponsibly of their own accord shouldn't [and really doesn't imo] reflect negatively on the multitude of benefits it carries compared to riskier anti-depressants like most SSRIs, which are full of nasty side effects and have a terrible track record in regard to their true efficacy in actually "treating" depression.

It feels as though they're reluctant to prescribe medications that might actually be effective for me. I did manage to obtain some pharmaceutical drugs online previously, but my parents discovered this and now check all my packages, making online purchases no longer a viable option.

Hypothetically speaking of course, what kind of drugs in the online multiplayer action-adventure game known as "GTA Online" tbh?

Just asking as a joke though, but I doubt you can most pharma grade shit easily in the popular online sandbox-survival-RPG videogame known "Minecraft" even if it's from a third world country like curryland.

Only mentioning this purely for satirical purposes, at most you'd only be able to get your hands on a handful of things considered otc there like pharma grade M---finil or Retin A, but this is of course assuming you're not relying on another [slightly riskier ] online method to get your shit in the popular online first person shooter video game known as Call of Duty Warzone 2...

I'm not suggesting this but, in theory, you could always try shipping your hentai and adult eroge visual novel DLC to a "friends" house so your parents don't see.

My plan for now is just to moneymaxx and then in 6 months to a year, I'll take a trip to Japan and utilize JBN (Just be nordic).

Moneymaxxing won't ever stop being a good idea regardless of what your situation is tbh, and it'll enable you to pursue whatever you eventually want to do with your life moving forward.


However, a word of caution regarding Japan...
[and geomaxxing as a whole in general tbh]

JBW [or in your case JBN which could -& probably would imo- work better tbh] alone won't be as reliable in Japan [compared to other countries I'll mention] due to how fucked hypergamy is over there, since Japan is akin to a sneak peak of what the West will be like 10 years into the future because it's even worse at this point.

You'd be better off sticking to SEA [geomaxxer's most reliable meta for a reason tbh] or another EA country like China or Korea [if you don't want SEA girls], since the girls are less reserved and more exposed to Western culture with the latter.

Chinese girls tend to be uglier than Koreans imo though with most of the stereotypical caricatures of ugly noodleswhores thrown around here coming from them [think laowhy86's wife], and a lot of "Chinese" unironically look SEA [or at leas pass] since they're usually just one of the many ethnic subgroups that happen to live in China.

Curryland is also an option if you don't want jungle gooks and they're also technically more "Caucasoid" [at least in skull shape anyway Jfl], but they're also ugly [in my and most people's opinions anyway] because they're literally curries too [abos].

Eastern Europe and Balkanmaxxing is also a strong option with the key benefit being they're Euro and semi-"trad", but it requires some financial security and being a more assertive partner [as in what they'll expect due to their culture, assuming you're not already because of living in the West].

MENAmaxxing is also really good especially for JBN in particular, but you'll struggle quite a bit with more "normal" non-liberal girls if you're not a part of their religion [Muslim or Christian depending on the country] due to their familial ties.

Central Asia is like a combo of both MENA and EE but not necessarily being all good nor all bad, as it's really a mixed bag of pros and cons because of it.
Pros- in that they're not as dark as MENA [if you're worried about that], they're less developed than EE [and theoretically easier because of it], they're less religiously exclusive compared to MENA and more trad than EE [while also being less prone to diva mentality].
Cons- they're more ethnic that EE with almost all being full mongoloid [not as neotenous/more robust than EA] and are often what most EE are compared to when people make fun of Slavs for being honorary ethnics/mongrels, they're less developed than even the worst parts of EE, they carry the same "baggage" as MENA in regard to not dating out of their religious culture.

SA might also work since JBN in particular is also good like the MENA option but the girls are quite promiscuous, have unbearably annoying diva-esque [kween] personalities, and expect you to act masc/dom like EE while also having deep pockets [a lot tend to be semi-gold digger but not always and it's mostly tied to the "diva/kween" mentality]. Contrary to popular belief, most are also pretty similar looking to SEA imo [due to the Native "Indio" blood] despite having some ancestry with Spanish/Portuguese and more recent Euro migrants. Higher quality ones [both in terms of actual general quality and Euro features] have higher standards on par with modern Western girls, so looks will reign supreme with them too in terms of how they discriminate against potential partners and compare to how Western [Euro] girls do.

Africa is also giga underrated imo compared to a lot of other choices and is nearly on par with SEA, but the drawback is that it's Africa with Africa's standard of living [outside of the semi-developed parts of richer countries like Nigeria for example] and I'll admit it probably won't be for you if you're not into black girls tbh.


As a general rule of thumb though:
The more ethnic &/or low quality the girls [not necessarily mutually inclusive though] the easier they'll be both in terms of running JBW and/or just in general tbh.
The less ethnic &/or higher quality the girls [again not necessarily mutually inclusive] the more difficult they'll be in running JBW [relying on it to COmPEnsate for poor looks] and/or the higher their standards will be [in terms of both looks & everything in general, as compared to low quality girls that is].

As long as you keep all of this [especially the ^last part] in mind and weigh out your potential options in terms of what you think is best, you'll have a pretty good time geomaxxing and save yourself from any potential future hardship.

 

[thickdickdaddy27]

Nature weeding out the weak it is what it is

 

[Deleted member 32440]

It was around the when elden ring came out. I had a terrible incident happen to me at my school. It was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Going to school was already a nightmare; I had no friends, people saw me as the strange quiet guy, and I had a very high rate of missing school assignments due to my extremely low conscientiousness and dutifulness. I had also been absent from class frequently. Every day was a nightmare; I would wake up dreading going to school.

I went to school for almost a year before I couldn't take it anymore, and that's when the incident occurred; I don't even want to talk about it. It brings me sadness. After that I couldn't go to school anymore, I remember playing elden ring, while taking lisdexamfetamine, which usually works great for motivation, but this time it brought me dread. It's the most horrible emotion I've ever experienced.

I can't explain it, but it came in waves of pain that grew stronger and stronger until I couldn't bear it any longer and I would collapse in my bed, crying, hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. As the number of missed assignments and absences increased, I began to dread the inevitable email informing me that I had been expelled. This went on for a month.

It was at that point that I decided to commit suicide. I had had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, but I had never seriously considered it until then. I'd been trying to improve my life for years with no success; due to my lack of conscientiousness and dutifulness, I simply couldn't ascend despite my good qualities. I thought it was over. My parents were going to kick me out.

I was eventually expelled, but thankfully, my parents did not throw me out. And so I was relieved. I was finally free of school.
I haven't had suicidal thoughts since. The idea of killing myself is awful to me now.

I still have no friends, but I'm content. I am unable to experience loneliness.
I've still not had any results with looksmaxxing. I look worse now.
But I am moneymaxxing hard, and so I will hopefully get surgery soon.


@Danish_Retard
@TsarTsar444
@chaddyboi66

Damn sorry to hear that buddy boyo. I hope you're doing better now

 

[mayo mogger]

Nature weeding out the weak it is what it is

if this is what suicide hotline would say , i would not rope cuz even a truecel has a male ego.

 

[ItsOver999]

It was around the when elden ring came out. I had a terrible incident happen to me at my school. It was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Going to school was already a nightmare; I had no friends, people saw me as the strange quiet guy, and I had a very high rate of missing school assignments due to my extremely low conscientiousness and dutifulness. I had also been absent from class frequently. Every day was a nightmare; I would wake up dreading going to school.

I went to school for almost a year before I couldn't take it anymore, and that's when the incident occurred; I don't even want to talk about it. It brings me sadness. After that I couldn't go to school anymore, I remember playing elden ring, while taking lisdexamfetamine, which usually works great for motivation, but this time it brought me dread. It's the most horrible emotion I've ever experienced.

I can't explain it, but it came in waves of pain that grew stronger and stronger until I couldn't bear it any longer and I would collapse in my bed, crying, hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. As the number of missed assignments and absences increased, I began to dread the inevitable email informing me that I had been expelled. This went on for a month.

It was at that point that I decided to commit suicide. I had had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, but I had never seriously considered it until then. I'd been trying to improve my life for years with no success; due to my lack of conscientiousness and dutifulness, I simply couldn't ascend despite my good qualities. I thought it was over. My parents were going to kick me out.

I was eventually expelled, but thankfully, my parents did not throw me out. And so I was relieved. I was finally free of school.
I haven't had suicidal thoughts since. The idea of killing myself is awful to me now.

I still have no friends, but I'm content. I am unable to experience loneliness.
I've still not had any results with looksmaxxing. I look worse now.
But I am moneymaxxing hard, and so I will hopefully get surgery soon.


@Danish_Retard
@TsarTsar444
@chaddyboi66

Dnrd

 

[Pikabro]

Yeah Elden Ring triggered that in me too.

Head to a boxing gym and start training asap.

 

[plukee]

Im glad you’re still alive bro. You don’t seem like a shitposter or anything so you get my follow bhai