Lonely
Banned
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- Aug 10, 2022
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I've had romantic experiences with over 40 people, some more serious, some more casual (including a threesome). Most of these happened after I was out of college.
Was kind of a dirty hippie in college who didn't pay attention to my appearances. But then I realized putting effort into how I dress and look meant I could actually have a much more vibrant love life.
I should preface this by saying I generally go out with more left-leaning women who tend to be more alternative and open-minded, which I think makes them more open to dating Asian dudes. Physically, I'd say I'm decently attractive and have usually had a thin (but not skinny) frame, but have never been incredibly muscular or anything (though I'm currently working towards that). Over the years I've definitely gotten way better at holding a conversation and just being myself. I also think I'm a decently interesting guy, which helps. I'm interested in the outdoors, including identifying plants/mushrooms and stuff, I do martial arts, and am pretty socially and politically conscious. I think these are things a lot of women tend to value, at least in my experience.
Feel free to ask any questions, but my general advice/takeaways from my experiences are:
1. Invest in your appearance.
Not only because of how you'll appear to others, but also because of how it will improve your own confidence. This means wearing clothes that fit and make you look good. I started off just wearing button down shirts, then slim-fitting button downs, and more recently I think I've cultivated a fashion sense that's more unique, like wearing well fitting frog-button shirts, or a loose-fitting kimono-style shirt over a tightly-fit tank top. I like this because it also aggressively embraces my Asian American identity.
Going along with this, work out. Again, not just for your physical appearance, but also because it will improve your on mental health and confidence in yourself. I jog 4-5 times a week, about 2 miles a day, and have started taking weight training more seriously and gained some muscle mass. I also hike a lot, and thankfully my legs stay pretty muscular pretty easily. Also, being fit will mean you're better at sex.
2. Invest in your personality.
Not in an artificial way as a means of pleasing others, but in general, keep an open mind and be open to new experiences. Pretty early on, I developed an interest in the outdoors, and decided to dig even deeper into it. Everyone on tinder says they like "adventures" and "hiking," but not many of them can actually build a fire in the woods or know how to identify mushrooms that you can eat. Whatever interest you have, delve deeper into it.
And as far as being open minded about experiences, it was only 3 and a half years ago that I got into martial arts and became obsessed. You never know when you'll take up a new hobby that will make you a more interesting person, while also providing a lot to your life in general.
Plus, investing in yourself means you learn to enjoy being your authentic self, which also means you can navigate the dating world with much more ease, because no matter what, you enjoy being you.
3. Be at least somewhat socially conscious.
Most people here are pretty conscious about anti-Asian racism. In college, I got a degree in Sociology which taught me a lot about the world and how it works. I've found it's helpful in conversation to have an awareness of social and economic inequality, race, sexism, etc. Women will especially appreciate that last part.
Don't get me wrong, I went through college and learned a lot about feminism. In hindsight, sometimes some of the stuff people talked about was a bit cringe (like some of the weird tumblr/twitter activism stuff you see online). It's good to have a sense of humor. But knowing the sexism women deal with, and being able to be a guy who provides an alternative to that is going to help a lot. Women will trust you a lot more and be a lot more attracted to you if you genuinely understand what they go through, the pressures and dangers they face in the dating world, etc.
It also helps a lot when you genuinely respect women, because you actually listen to them during your conversation on dates. I actually get really excited to go on a date with a new person, because I get to learn about what they're passionate about, what they care about, etc. Women will appreciate this - so many women I've talked to say they've dealt with men (often times but not always white dudes) who don't listen to them, don't ask them any questions, and just drone on and on about themselves. Be better than those people.
I also don't think it's good in the long run to pretend to care about women just to get laid. Go out and actually learn what other people deal with in society in the same way you'd want them to know about what we as Asians and Asian men in particular deal with.
4. Learn to be confident and carry a conversation.
A lot of the above points will help with this. I've always been an introvert, but over the years I've gotten much better at talking and conversing with people. Like anything else, it takes practice. If you have close friends who are willing to have deeper conversations, talk with them more often. Think and explore more things - interested people are interesting, after all. Learn to not care about what other people think about you, and you'll give off a air of ease and confidence that women find sexy. As the old adage goes, people don't remember what you say, they remember how you made them feel.
5. Get good at sex.
Sorry in advance if this comes off as douche-y or humble braggy. That's not my intention.
As mentioned above, general physical fitness and health will help with this. Exercise, get plenty of sleep, and watch what you eat. Try not to watch as much porn (something I am admittedly guilty of doing), as it can potentially mentally mess you up in the bedroom.
Learn what women like - and also realize that different women like different things. Anyone on the internet trying to push one simple trick to please all women hasn't slept with many women. I've been with some who liked being choked, slapped, and spat on, and some who liked vanilla sex.
However, there are generalizations we can make: Go down on women for a long time, and do it like you love going down on women (which you should anyway). One woman I was with said I was the best at sex, and it was just because I went down on her and fingered her for a long time, and none of her previous boyfriends had ever done that to that extent. This was someone who hated giving blowjobs, but actually wanted to with me because of that.
Engage in a lot of foreplay - kissing the neck, licking nipples, kissing the inside of the thighs, etc. You don't always have to just go at it like a jackhammer (although some women do like that). Be gentle when you finger women and make sure you cut your fingernails.
Communication is really important as well. Talk with the women you're dating or hooking up with about what they like. Sometimes that's just the best way to learn. Also, communicate about STI and sexual health stuff. Especially as you get older, women will appreciate a guy who is upfront and open about all of that.
6. For Dating apps, make a profile that reflects the above.
Choose pictures that actually make you look good. Be honest with yourself about whether that dirty mirror selfie is actually good. Get friends to take candid photos of you. Or hell, if you have a decent camera, take a video of yourself doing stuff outside and choose a frame that you like.
Have an interesting bio that is concise, doesn't come off as trying too hard, but conveys that you are interested in a variety of things and are open minded.
If you've got a good physique, flaunt it in a shirtless picture, but only if it's one that makes sense - like a candid photo of you hanging out at a pool, the beach, or a mountain lake or whatever. Shirtless mirror selfies usually are no good.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. Honestly, I think we need to push back against all the stupid fucking redpill Andrew Tate bullshit. There's a reason Republicans and Trump supporters don't get any matches on dating apps. Not trying to make this all about politics, but women aren't interested in men who are close minded and misogynistic, which conservatives tend to be.
There are already unfair stereotypes that Asian men are misogynistic. Let the white dudes take up that mantle. We can do better than them.
By the way, life can be a process of constant self-improvement. Areas where I'm still trying to improve are: Being more assertive and less passive in how I talk (sometimes I can be too nice); continuing to become more fit, with the aforementioned strength training; improving my martial arts skills and trying to be more on top of life in general. This sort of improvement is all stuff that will contribute back into all the different things mentioned above and help in your dating life.
Also, even though I've had luck in my dating life, that isn't to say that we're all imagining racism and can rise above it with some elbow grease. White dudes who are (in my estimation) as physically attractive as I am still have a way easier time in the dating world than I do. But I've also had way more luck than a lot of white dudes I know for the reasons listed above.
Was kind of a dirty hippie in college who didn't pay attention to my appearances. But then I realized putting effort into how I dress and look meant I could actually have a much more vibrant love life.
I should preface this by saying I generally go out with more left-leaning women who tend to be more alternative and open-minded, which I think makes them more open to dating Asian dudes. Physically, I'd say I'm decently attractive and have usually had a thin (but not skinny) frame, but have never been incredibly muscular or anything (though I'm currently working towards that). Over the years I've definitely gotten way better at holding a conversation and just being myself. I also think I'm a decently interesting guy, which helps. I'm interested in the outdoors, including identifying plants/mushrooms and stuff, I do martial arts, and am pretty socially and politically conscious. I think these are things a lot of women tend to value, at least in my experience.
Feel free to ask any questions, but my general advice/takeaways from my experiences are:
1. Invest in your appearance.
Not only because of how you'll appear to others, but also because of how it will improve your own confidence. This means wearing clothes that fit and make you look good. I started off just wearing button down shirts, then slim-fitting button downs, and more recently I think I've cultivated a fashion sense that's more unique, like wearing well fitting frog-button shirts, or a loose-fitting kimono-style shirt over a tightly-fit tank top. I like this because it also aggressively embraces my Asian American identity.
Going along with this, work out. Again, not just for your physical appearance, but also because it will improve your on mental health and confidence in yourself. I jog 4-5 times a week, about 2 miles a day, and have started taking weight training more seriously and gained some muscle mass. I also hike a lot, and thankfully my legs stay pretty muscular pretty easily. Also, being fit will mean you're better at sex.
2. Invest in your personality.
Not in an artificial way as a means of pleasing others, but in general, keep an open mind and be open to new experiences. Pretty early on, I developed an interest in the outdoors, and decided to dig even deeper into it. Everyone on tinder says they like "adventures" and "hiking," but not many of them can actually build a fire in the woods or know how to identify mushrooms that you can eat. Whatever interest you have, delve deeper into it.
And as far as being open minded about experiences, it was only 3 and a half years ago that I got into martial arts and became obsessed. You never know when you'll take up a new hobby that will make you a more interesting person, while also providing a lot to your life in general.
Plus, investing in yourself means you learn to enjoy being your authentic self, which also means you can navigate the dating world with much more ease, because no matter what, you enjoy being you.
3. Be at least somewhat socially conscious.
Most people here are pretty conscious about anti-Asian racism. In college, I got a degree in Sociology which taught me a lot about the world and how it works. I've found it's helpful in conversation to have an awareness of social and economic inequality, race, sexism, etc. Women will especially appreciate that last part.
Don't get me wrong, I went through college and learned a lot about feminism. In hindsight, sometimes some of the stuff people talked about was a bit cringe (like some of the weird tumblr/twitter activism stuff you see online). It's good to have a sense of humor. But knowing the sexism women deal with, and being able to be a guy who provides an alternative to that is going to help a lot. Women will trust you a lot more and be a lot more attracted to you if you genuinely understand what they go through, the pressures and dangers they face in the dating world, etc.
It also helps a lot when you genuinely respect women, because you actually listen to them during your conversation on dates. I actually get really excited to go on a date with a new person, because I get to learn about what they're passionate about, what they care about, etc. Women will appreciate this - so many women I've talked to say they've dealt with men (often times but not always white dudes) who don't listen to them, don't ask them any questions, and just drone on and on about themselves. Be better than those people.
I also don't think it's good in the long run to pretend to care about women just to get laid. Go out and actually learn what other people deal with in society in the same way you'd want them to know about what we as Asians and Asian men in particular deal with.
4. Learn to be confident and carry a conversation.
A lot of the above points will help with this. I've always been an introvert, but over the years I've gotten much better at talking and conversing with people. Like anything else, it takes practice. If you have close friends who are willing to have deeper conversations, talk with them more often. Think and explore more things - interested people are interesting, after all. Learn to not care about what other people think about you, and you'll give off a air of ease and confidence that women find sexy. As the old adage goes, people don't remember what you say, they remember how you made them feel.
5. Get good at sex.
Sorry in advance if this comes off as douche-y or humble braggy. That's not my intention.
As mentioned above, general physical fitness and health will help with this. Exercise, get plenty of sleep, and watch what you eat. Try not to watch as much porn (something I am admittedly guilty of doing), as it can potentially mentally mess you up in the bedroom.
Learn what women like - and also realize that different women like different things. Anyone on the internet trying to push one simple trick to please all women hasn't slept with many women. I've been with some who liked being choked, slapped, and spat on, and some who liked vanilla sex.
However, there are generalizations we can make: Go down on women for a long time, and do it like you love going down on women (which you should anyway). One woman I was with said I was the best at sex, and it was just because I went down on her and fingered her for a long time, and none of her previous boyfriends had ever done that to that extent. This was someone who hated giving blowjobs, but actually wanted to with me because of that.
Engage in a lot of foreplay - kissing the neck, licking nipples, kissing the inside of the thighs, etc. You don't always have to just go at it like a jackhammer (although some women do like that). Be gentle when you finger women and make sure you cut your fingernails.
Communication is really important as well. Talk with the women you're dating or hooking up with about what they like. Sometimes that's just the best way to learn. Also, communicate about STI and sexual health stuff. Especially as you get older, women will appreciate a guy who is upfront and open about all of that.
6. For Dating apps, make a profile that reflects the above.
Choose pictures that actually make you look good. Be honest with yourself about whether that dirty mirror selfie is actually good. Get friends to take candid photos of you. Or hell, if you have a decent camera, take a video of yourself doing stuff outside and choose a frame that you like.
Have an interesting bio that is concise, doesn't come off as trying too hard, but conveys that you are interested in a variety of things and are open minded.
If you've got a good physique, flaunt it in a shirtless picture, but only if it's one that makes sense - like a candid photo of you hanging out at a pool, the beach, or a mountain lake or whatever. Shirtless mirror selfies usually are no good.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. Honestly, I think we need to push back against all the stupid fucking redpill Andrew Tate bullshit. There's a reason Republicans and Trump supporters don't get any matches on dating apps. Not trying to make this all about politics, but women aren't interested in men who are close minded and misogynistic, which conservatives tend to be.
There are already unfair stereotypes that Asian men are misogynistic. Let the white dudes take up that mantle. We can do better than them.
By the way, life can be a process of constant self-improvement. Areas where I'm still trying to improve are: Being more assertive and less passive in how I talk (sometimes I can be too nice); continuing to become more fit, with the aforementioned strength training; improving my martial arts skills and trying to be more on top of life in general. This sort of improvement is all stuff that will contribute back into all the different things mentioned above and help in your dating life.
Also, even though I've had luck in my dating life, that isn't to say that we're all imagining racism and can rise above it with some elbow grease. White dudes who are (in my estimation) as physically attractive as I am still have a way easier time in the dating world than I do. But I've also had way more luck than a lot of white dudes I know for the reasons listed above.
