manofbacon
Iron
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2026
- Posts
- 20
- Reputation
- 8
I geniunely find it repulsive to even find an attractive person who doesnt even match there personality or intellect, just another random person with an appearence to mask it all up. they dont even deserve it, they arent even that "person", just lucky and nothing else. this is why i hate most attractive people, i personally believe im the most deserving of a good face. i am only trying because i know it matters to me, because i do deserve it, i put more effort into others, i feel these things more than others, my comfort is destroyed just because of how ugly i am. i want to feel this aesthetic, i cant even watch anime without feeling i have an aesthetic because i feel it so intensely, i find the beauty in it intensely. and man it does annoy me as well that these people geniunely find anime to be a genre as if its not just styled and made to look more complex than it actually is for example (ex. neon genesis evangelion.) what makes me more annoyed is that im also just short af, bullied af and im not even good at sport. the real trigger of all of this is the fact of how gifted my cousins are compared to me, they are literally tall af, extremely good looking (blue eyes, geniunely godess level of bonestructure, extremely good hair, 9.5/10+) and my dad is somehow way shorter than my 185 cm uncle who also has a son who is 195 cm, and this is for both of my cousins (they are both male), they are extremely good at sports, have a good social life, live on a farm and can spend any amount of money on anything, they can get dirtbikes and drive around in their own cars. im abused by this psycho dad, narciccistic and just argues about any shit with me. i didnt want to be this way, ive been kind to people all my life and ive been if anything way more inclined with justice for all my life, befriending the bullied kids in my school even when i was good, defending people when i didnt even need to, i had been given labels i wasnt chosen, criticized and i tried my best. i even forced myself to have good manners just to keep up the "cute kid" label. im tired, im anxious with everyone, i dont even want to be, i have a good joke for every social interaction, i can have a good talk with people. i deserve this way more than other people, but no i just have to randomly get anxious, have to deal with people who need me to repeat my sentence every 3 seconds because they couldnt hear me, all of this has resorted to bullying.and then when i want to be left alone, i get people taking pictures of me, talking about me on group chats, making fun of me probably. making me anxious and shit, and nobody can even see how this is effecting me, what this is doing. i geniunely cried one time in class and everyone just blamed one person instead of blaming themselves. i am tired of living with stupid people all my life, nobody even respects me in my own house, they just play off the abuse, tell me im the problem. im not even making this shit up but my dad literally reuses the labels i gave him on me when i refuse to do something that he wants to do or when i react back because im always the problem and they arent. i literally lock myself in my room just so i can get away from these people. i want to do something my life and i have way more passion than other people,way more opinions, way more detail and yet i am called annoying by people, chased by people, i only had a good life until grade 5, where my own bestfriend lied about me just so that he could join another friend group we were both trying to be in and in the end he no longer cared about them and they were all i had, i had to walk behind them all the time, i was literally pushed away when i tried to walk beside them, i geniunely wanted to cry but there was nothing i could do, not a single soul cared about talking about it, or looking at it, and we were on a big field so everyone should have been able to see what was happening, i just try to help people in groups, i always take the leader role because i naturally want to make everyone feel organized and confident about the project, i can answer every question and then i swear to god everytime i fucking get news that they went to someone elses house without me and did the project from scratch because "someone" didnt know what was going on, and this did happen but im so fucking tired and depressed i cant even explain it right now. when i was in grade 7 i went full jestermode to just make some friends for once because i had no fucking online friends, the only friends i ever had was because i started some bullshit drama or a roblox group or discord server, and yet as again, nobody even cared that i was literally dead quiet the year before, that i wasnt even like this and i could be acting up because whaddya know i was probably depressed, and yet i was still left behind, and even disrespected more than before because people didnt like me interfering or trying to join in on the fun. i was even then kicked out of group chats, i loved to talk to people and yet i was bullied into a hole where it was me being annoying and the whole gang hated it, then highschool came and everyone just ignored me, all of my friends i thought who had cared about me didnt even talk to me once and once the year started, oh back to funny little class clown in the new highschool where everyone just expects him to be okay, everyone had forgot about him because hes the funny guy who we all use for comfort, who we first label him to manipulate him into being this annoying depressed creature, that we think he chose to do but no you gave him that falsehood you actually even cared. i got bullied way more by the new kids, my own classmates talking and teaming up on me because these new kids didnt care who i was, then i started reposting some corny ass racist bullshit on my tt fyp to atleast clear my identity up, and then people thought that was even worse and that i was a racist prick. then people started bullying me for my looks, didnt know why the fuck i wanted to be alone and looked so depressed. so then when i randomly left school everybody was like why would he do that, and i just blocked everyone. i was so fucking done with it all, and the thing is this is a common pattern where people dont even care or try to interfere even when its clearly happening. im crying in the store while my angry neurotic prick ass dad has his angry face on, constantly criticizing and basically bullying me while my stupid sister is busy laughing with her earphones on while we are both forced to go in the mall. im really just so fucking tired. my strive all my life has been to help people and i always have and yet i get none of it back. now for about 3 years of my teenage years so far ive just been alone, depressed and locking myself away (literally) from every relative, family member and to be honest, im not even trying to ignore my classmates they literally have just forgotten about me. my own classmates who have known me for about most of there life so far. ive been far too respectful for those who dont care. i dont want to be like this because im not, im the complete opposite which is why i deserve these things. all ive wanted for my life was to have a loving family, geniunely and it makes me tear up when i say this because its so true, a best friend and as many friends as possible. all i want to do now is kill my own family, get out of here and stay in a psychiatric hospital forever where i can be alone because people simply dont care enough and arent enough for me.
