BrahminBoss
The Platonic Ideal
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2022
- Posts
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Firstly some background; I was on hormones for a time, but I have never socially transitioned & I stopped very, very quickly & now I have only a slightly bigger gynomastia than before, but it is still nothing significant. However, transition attempt made me act selfish towards my girlfriend & I have lost a long term relationship and strained my irl relationship with people who know (family, two close friends).
My troubles with gender started in my early teens around the age 12 and I was pretty normal as a small kid. I played with guns (even though my mom discouraged that!), car models, loved legos and I liked to read fantasy even as a small kid. However, I was a crybaby, a coward, I disliked sports and I have always felt as a lesser man than my peers due to it. A lot of this was also enforced by my caring, but choleric, strict & really manly father. My mother was on the other side super caring, but never gave me any agency and raised me with the feelings of guilt for every little failure; from sloppy guitar recital to being late. And when I was around 12 I discovered pornography (mostly lesbian), I fantasized about body swapping with girls from school & I started to crossdress in the toilet. At the same time I started to feel even more inadequate to other males as I am slightly awkward and nerdy person. By the time I entered high school I have made friends with a group of misfits, started to socialize and get some crushes on various girls. I also remember that I insanely worried that I have too much of a baby face and that my wrists are too small etc. and I have found escape from that in sissy and forced femme pornography which have become my main outlets, beside nicotine addiction.
I did better socially in college & met my ex, but because I have never stoped porn and crossdressing things escalated to the point when I visited psych, tried hrt & lost my girlfriend. My psych didn’t even considered that my crossdressing fetish and porn addiction could be the root of my gender troubles and has suggested vice versa. Now my life is ruined.
My troubles with gender started in my early teens around the age 12 and I was pretty normal as a small kid. I played with guns (even though my mom discouraged that!), car models, loved legos and I liked to read fantasy even as a small kid. However, I was a crybaby, a coward, I disliked sports and I have always felt as a lesser man than my peers due to it. A lot of this was also enforced by my caring, but choleric, strict & really manly father. My mother was on the other side super caring, but never gave me any agency and raised me with the feelings of guilt for every little failure; from sloppy guitar recital to being late. And when I was around 12 I discovered pornography (mostly lesbian), I fantasized about body swapping with girls from school & I started to crossdress in the toilet. At the same time I started to feel even more inadequate to other males as I am slightly awkward and nerdy person. By the time I entered high school I have made friends with a group of misfits, started to socialize and get some crushes on various girls. I also remember that I insanely worried that I have too much of a baby face and that my wrists are too small etc. and I have found escape from that in sissy and forced femme pornography which have become my main outlets, beside nicotine addiction.
I did better socially in college & met my ex, but because I have never stoped porn and crossdressing things escalated to the point when I visited psych, tried hrt & lost my girlfriend. My psych didn’t even considered that my crossdressing fetish and porn addiction could be the root of my gender troubles and has suggested vice versa. Now my life is ruined.
