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Deleted member 15674
NTmaxxed pajeet
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2021
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I grew up fairly poor, abusive household with a BPD mother (only found out recently she had BPD). As you can guess it wasn't the best of places to be growing up, but it was home. I was always bright in school, usually being #1 in my year group for maths and sciences. I had a drive to study back then, I really cherished my time back in school, I played rugby for an ammy team, my school even took me on trips to see rugby games and I was pushed to play at a higher level. But rugby was only really a hobby for me, not my career. From a young age I knew I was different for sure, and I was mentally a lot different to my peers.
Life was good, I turned 16, I did my GCSEs. Whilst I didn't get perfect results, I got good results and was doing my A levels. In year 12, I was grinding very hard. I studied the hardest I ever had, and got extremely high grades. Life was going fairly smoothly at this point for me, my older brother was in university, my parents stopped fighting as much, and parents put some faith in me. That I'd do really well in my exams and get into medical school.
It was December of 2017 (still in year 12) and my older brother falls into a coma from a drug overdose, this was the event which changed everything. Both of my parents were depressed, my family in pieces, older brother surviving the overdose but fighting a drug addiction for so many years, the cost of rehab was a lot and I could feel the financial squeeze. I still tried to push through and I did do well at the end of my year 12 exams, I got good grades and studied hard for my pre-admin med exams.
Move forward to the start of year 13 and I was determined to keep up the hardwork. My older brother's drug addiction had gotten worse at this point, I won't get into too many details, but my family/home life was terrible. I saw the very rapid decline of my parents, my younger brothers had no positive role model, they only really had me to look towards to, but I was barely functioning myself, I was only really barely getting by. My work ethic dropped pretty hard, I quickly became depressed and disillusioned with life.
My work ethic dropped and so did my grades, I never got into medical school in the end. I had all this ability and had squandered it. I don't want to make excuses and blame it all on my family situation, but it certainly played a factor. I decided to go uni anyways, I discovered a new world of drugs there. Before uni, I had only really drank, smoked weed and snorted speed. But at university within my first term, I had managed to do most drugs. I was also coming to grips with my inceldom at this point, I always knew I wasn't that attractive, but the blackpills I had witnessed at uni fucked my already vulnerable mind.
After 3 years of incel hell, various periods of intense drug use, some good times, etc. I had graduated and got my degree. But to this day I feel like a failure, I was on the trajectory to doing much better in life, and now look at me? Ever since I missed the grades needed for medical school, it has made me feel depressed. I'm not sure if I want to be a doctor at this point, I just want to get into medical school to prove that I am not a failure.
That's why none of this slaying bullshit matters to me. I have a mission in life, I need to prove to myself I am not a failure. When I write posts about needing a mission in life this is what I mean. You better be willing to die for your mission too. I know I am. It's either live in shame forever and feel like a failure or actually complete the mission.
I just look at the current state of my parents and still see they aren't the same. My older brother has now recovered, but the damage is still there.
