skell
Iron
- Joined
- May 2, 2026
- Posts
- 174
- Reputation
- 194
don't you love it when
you've been a quiet crier all your life so you shouldn't attract attention or end up like an attention seeker
but the pain gets too much and you start crying out loud and letting your thoughts exit your mouth
and you realize you are hearing yourself cry for the first time
and it feels like something
and nobody is around to hear it because you are all alone crying in your bed
and you need an outlet for your pain otherwise you are just being an attention seeker who is keeping this identity up just as a hobby
so you take the knife you left at your beside and drive it into your stomach a few times
and you see blood come out
and you feel happy because pain is what you deserve because you are a subhuman
and because you are not a real person who has worth
and now your bedsheets are dotted with blood everywhere
and you hope that house keeping will notice the bloodstains and the knife next to your bed when you head out for work on monday
because you can't ask for help directly
and fantasize about people finally showing concern for you
i need to work towards the point
where I finally kill myself
I can try to pierce my jugular
with the knife I have
but that would be too much effort
and would not succeed
and would likely leave a permanent mark
what I can do
is go downstaris
walk around the city
go to the subway
wait for the train
and jump on the tracks
only then will my pain be real
but even if I die
I will have done it for attention
I would still have been an attention seeker
I need to find a way to die quietly
that doesn't attract attention
only then will my pain be real
I do not plan on dying tonight
stabbing myself made me happier
my mood is volatile
so now I feel better
but at the end of all this
I don't want to be an attention seeker
I have been called an attention seeker all my life
I never saw with my own eyes people opening up
so I presumed it was against social norms
eventually the pain got too much
I opened up
I was yelled at
I was told I was doing it for attention
I was told I was invalidating the struggles of real depressed people
I was told I was not actually depressed
and it worked
I felt better for the next day before another fuck up fucked up my life again
I decided to keep it to myself again
next time I brought antifreeze
I poured it into my bottle
I almost drank it
I couldn't
I opened up again
I again felt shamed
and was met with anger
I kept it to myself for a long time
the pain got too much again
I went to a place for mental health resources
they asked me if I was directly planning to die
I realized what it meant
what would happen if I said yes
I said no
they said there was a difference between people who want to die
and are actually planning to die
in other words
I am an attention seeker
and I didn't get committed to the hospital
I do not want to be an attention seeker ever again
why is it that I do these things?
I have zero friends
no family I feel comfortable reaching out to and feeling seen
does the normal human get attention from these people?
does the normal human feel seen?
does the normal human have somebody they can genuinely reach out to?
and not be an attention seeker?
is that why the normal human does not do these things?
there is nobody who knows me
and nobody who reaches out to me
they all ignore me
I feel like I do not exist
since I never had any friends
I never made memories
never developed a personality
never developed an identiity
never developed an ability to talk
and that is why I cower into my bed sheets crying
asking if I am a real person
you've been a quiet crier all your life so you shouldn't attract attention or end up like an attention seeker
but the pain gets too much and you start crying out loud and letting your thoughts exit your mouth
and you realize you are hearing yourself cry for the first time
and it feels like something
and nobody is around to hear it because you are all alone crying in your bed
and you need an outlet for your pain otherwise you are just being an attention seeker who is keeping this identity up just as a hobby
so you take the knife you left at your beside and drive it into your stomach a few times
and you see blood come out
and you feel happy because pain is what you deserve because you are a subhuman
and because you are not a real person who has worth
and now your bedsheets are dotted with blood everywhere
and you hope that house keeping will notice the bloodstains and the knife next to your bed when you head out for work on monday
because you can't ask for help directly
and fantasize about people finally showing concern for you
i need to work towards the point
where I finally kill myself
I can try to pierce my jugular
with the knife I have
but that would be too much effort
and would not succeed
and would likely leave a permanent mark
what I can do
is go downstaris
walk around the city
go to the subway
wait for the train
and jump on the tracks
only then will my pain be real
but even if I die
I will have done it for attention
I would still have been an attention seeker
I need to find a way to die quietly
that doesn't attract attention
only then will my pain be real
I do not plan on dying tonight
stabbing myself made me happier
my mood is volatile
so now I feel better
but at the end of all this
I don't want to be an attention seeker
I have been called an attention seeker all my life
I never saw with my own eyes people opening up
so I presumed it was against social norms
eventually the pain got too much
I opened up
I was yelled at
I was told I was doing it for attention
I was told I was invalidating the struggles of real depressed people
I was told I was not actually depressed
and it worked
I felt better for the next day before another fuck up fucked up my life again
I decided to keep it to myself again
next time I brought antifreeze
I poured it into my bottle
I almost drank it
I couldn't
I opened up again
I again felt shamed
and was met with anger
I kept it to myself for a long time
the pain got too much again
I went to a place for mental health resources
they asked me if I was directly planning to die
I realized what it meant
what would happen if I said yes
I said no
they said there was a difference between people who want to die
and are actually planning to die
in other words
I am an attention seeker
and I didn't get committed to the hospital
I do not want to be an attention seeker ever again
why is it that I do these things?
I have zero friends
no family I feel comfortable reaching out to and feeling seen
does the normal human get attention from these people?
does the normal human feel seen?
does the normal human have somebody they can genuinely reach out to?
and not be an attention seeker?
is that why the normal human does not do these things?
there is nobody who knows me
and nobody who reaches out to me
they all ignore me
I feel like I do not exist
since I never had any friends
I never made memories
never developed a personality
never developed an identiity
never developed an ability to talk
and that is why I cower into my bed sheets crying
asking if I am a real person
