Mor.Kei
Iron
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2026
- Posts
- 156
- Reputation
- 115
Cant get a therapist so y'all gonna have to read this. Or not, i can feel the DNR comments coming.
Anyways, like always im gonna post random bullshit based of what i feel like. But honestly, its like its not me thats been feeling. Ever since i became 13 i just stopped seeing my body as part of myself. Kinda like being a little man watching a TV show you control. I have impulses, things i want, basically anything a normal person would feel. But theres always this little back feeling that this isnt me. The fact i have symptoms of trauma induced dissociation that caused me to not be conciously inside my body for days at a time when i was a kid really didnt help.
But what i feel like actually made me like this wasnt all that, it was my 13th year. That shit was rough, mostly because of school. I wasnt bullied or anything thank god, but the school i went to had really fragile social standings. You never had a single day that wasnt constantly tense, you always had to fight. Now, one or two months of every single waking moment having to be tense in case something happens is doable. One entire year of that is what i think really sealed the dissociation i have with myself now.
The worst thing is that i cant even complain about it because i got lucky with my looks and height. Its like to them being tall with a somewhat good face just negates the fact im ND dealing with ND problems. And i worked for years on end to look normal until the therapists said i acted like a normal person, im not about to throw that shit down the drain by going to complain to my family. Well, i just might. I dont know.
And even now, after years working to perfect my act and climbing the social ladder, it doesnt feel nearly as good as i thought. I just feel like the people around me are always watching, waiting for me to do something bad, praying on my downfall. Talking about that, it also feels like im constantly watched. I pay attention to my every move just because of that. I cant ever stop agonizing about what people are thinking, how i look to them. I cant ever have someone behind me unless its a friend or else i have this weird paranoia about them attacking me. I always look back from time to time.
The thing is that i love people. Even when i was a full swing ND my whole thing was about trying to connect with people. But i always feel watched, judged, and so i hide in my room or in spaces where im alone. And so im lonely outside of school. Well, apart from that Romanian dude i befriended. He's a really great guy. I would die for him. I might give it a little thought, but i would. Well, i feel better from thinking about the fact not everything is shit and over now, so im gonna stop this vent here. Thanks for reading.
Anyways, like always im gonna post random bullshit based of what i feel like. But honestly, its like its not me thats been feeling. Ever since i became 13 i just stopped seeing my body as part of myself. Kinda like being a little man watching a TV show you control. I have impulses, things i want, basically anything a normal person would feel. But theres always this little back feeling that this isnt me. The fact i have symptoms of trauma induced dissociation that caused me to not be conciously inside my body for days at a time when i was a kid really didnt help.
But what i feel like actually made me like this wasnt all that, it was my 13th year. That shit was rough, mostly because of school. I wasnt bullied or anything thank god, but the school i went to had really fragile social standings. You never had a single day that wasnt constantly tense, you always had to fight. Now, one or two months of every single waking moment having to be tense in case something happens is doable. One entire year of that is what i think really sealed the dissociation i have with myself now.
The worst thing is that i cant even complain about it because i got lucky with my looks and height. Its like to them being tall with a somewhat good face just negates the fact im ND dealing with ND problems. And i worked for years on end to look normal until the therapists said i acted like a normal person, im not about to throw that shit down the drain by going to complain to my family. Well, i just might. I dont know.
And even now, after years working to perfect my act and climbing the social ladder, it doesnt feel nearly as good as i thought. I just feel like the people around me are always watching, waiting for me to do something bad, praying on my downfall. Talking about that, it also feels like im constantly watched. I pay attention to my every move just because of that. I cant ever stop agonizing about what people are thinking, how i look to them. I cant ever have someone behind me unless its a friend or else i have this weird paranoia about them attacking me. I always look back from time to time.
The thing is that i love people. Even when i was a full swing ND my whole thing was about trying to connect with people. But i always feel watched, judged, and so i hide in my room or in spaces where im alone. And so im lonely outside of school. Well, apart from that Romanian dude i befriended. He's a really great guy. I would die for him. I might give it a little thought, but i would. Well, i feel better from thinking about the fact not everything is shit and over now, so im gonna stop this vent here. Thanks for reading.
